Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots

Le Finale

It seems only fitting that I should finally finish this on Memorial Day with some tributes to the soldiers. I met many awesome soldiers in Afghanistan and Kyrgyzstan who went out of their way to try and make me as comfortable and the trip as enjoyable as possible. And I felt kind of guilty when people asked where I was going next and I told them I was heading to Paris. So I decided that with every cocktail I’d say a little toast to a soldier I’d met along the way. I didn’t take pictures of every drink I had, partly because my camera disk only holds 4GB and partly because I sometimes felt awkward sitting alone and taking pictures of my drink. But with every cocktail I consumed I did think of one of the many soldiers I’d met and here are just a few…

Corby Carter was the main point of contact for the trip. He’s based in Germany and handled all our arrangements to, from and through Ramstein Air Force Base. He’s the one that had to listen to me giggle every time I saw the word ahsfart.

Sergeants Stovall and Allen are a couple of saints. They’re the ones who had to babysit us through our countless flight delays at Bagram. Sometimes that meant getting up at 3 am then again at 6 am then again at 9 am to check flight availability. In between they had to pick us up for meals at the DFAC and Sgt. Stovall was kind enough to accompany me to the bazaar. Sgt. Allen’s wife is stationed at Kandahar base and they have a one-year-old son living in the states with family. Stories like that made me appreciate the soldiers’ sacrifices all the more.

Captain Jen Mack was our MWR (Moral, Welfare and Recreation) contact at Camp Eggers. I don’t have a picture of her but she looked like she was about 23 so either she’s very youthful looking or she zoomed up the ranks to Captain. She gave us the option to either sleep in the soldiers’ quarters or to share a private room together. For some reason I agreed to the private quarters even though I thought Ira looked like a snorer (which he confirmed to be true) but luckily some other people’s stuff was in the room so Capt. Mack arranged for us to be in the ultra-VIP quarters where we had individual rooms, each with its own toilet and shower! To most people reading this the exclamation point may seem funny but out there, that was the sort of luxury that made me do a happy dance.

These toasts went out to Andy, Courtney and Gaylord from Camp Blackhorse. They were three of the very cool soldiers on one of our convoys. The fourth member of our convoy was Steve who took me to dinner at the hot interpreter’s place, which was one of the highlights of the trip for me (and no, not simply because he was hot).

Callie, Max and Sgt. Perry were the MWR folks at Kandahar. I should have a picture of them because they took me on a meet-and-greet where Max, the photographer, took about a million pictures but unfortunately I never got any of them. Max and Callie took me on the tour of the base in which the little Afghan girl opened our door. There was also a cute Canadian soldier along for the ride and I swear I couldn’t help but laugh every time he said “out” or “about” or “eh?” I don’t know why that’s so funny to me but it is- I really need to grow up. Sgt. Perry took me and Ira to some little shack where I smoked my first Cuban cigar, which the Dutch sell. Seriously overrated (the Cuban cigar, that is. Sgt. Perry was great as I’m sure are the Dutch).

Johnny Johnson was our man at Camp Jalalabad (I still love that word). This was one of the bases that never gets entertainment so things weren’t exactly smooth. They didn’t have a microphone (luckily Ira brought one) and the show was in the DFAC with a 6:30 start time so people were still eating. But it ended up being a good crowd and afterward Johnny let me use the Internet connection in his office. Sure, it took me 45 minutes to send TWO emails, but that’s how it is out there.

This toast went out to the Persco folks at Manas in Kyrgyzstan (I don’t know what Persco means but they handle the flight stuff). Ira had some kind of problem with his ATM card and couldn’t withdraw money throughout the entire trip. When we got to Manas, we each had to pay $35 for a visa and I only had $50 on me so I couldn’t cover his and one of the girls paid for his visa with her own money. I didn’t think it was cool to have her pay and I knew the tour booker wouldn’t be happy about that so she agreed to take me to the nearest ATM, which was at the commercial airport next to the base. It was kind of a hassle getting on and off the base and through the Kyrgy security at the airport so it was all very generous of her. And yeah, that’s what I was doing until 4 am the night before Ira caught a flight out of Manas, after which I was stranded there for five days.

Sgt. Bennett was the manager of the bar called Pete’s Place in Kyrgyzstan. When he learned I was a standup comic, he asked me to perform in between a country band’s sets the next night so I agreed to do it. He then cleared it with his boss who asked him to find out if my material was appropriate. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond because people have wildly different ideas of what’s appropriate. For the Afghanistan portion of my trip I was told I couldn’t do a lot of clean material that touched on controversial topics however, I could do all the dick jokes I wanted. But usually when a booker wants a clean show it’s the other way around. I checked back the next afternoon to see if it was a go and he hadn’t been able to contact his superior yet so he said for me to do my set and he would take responsibility if there were any problems. I wasn’t too keen on that and when I arrived at showtime, the room was packed with soldiers shooting pool, watching videos and playing cards. And there was a large contingent of Italian soldiers who had just arrived- not exactly the ideal setting for a comedy show. I was just about to back out of the show when Major Friersen came along…

Maj. Friersen wasn’t the person in charge of the bar but he was a higher rank than the person in charge and he gave the go ahead for me to perform. And he was so full of enthusiasm and appreciation that I’d be performing that I could hardly back out. So I reluctantly did my set and surprisingly the room quieted and the show went much better than I expected. Afterward, Maj. Friersen personally took the time to accompany me to the PAX terminal and beat them down to get me on a flight (now that I think about it, maybe he wasn’t assisting because he liked my show but because he hated it and wanted to get me the hell out of there. Hmm…). I want to add that high ranking officers are supposed to have reps for being hardasses but in my various tours I’ve met quite a few Majors, Colonels and even a General and they were all extremely cool guys.

In closing, thanks to all the soldiers who assisted me personally and most of all, thanks for all you do for our country!!