Today while waiting for an elevator at a shopping center, I observed quite a spectacle: It was a 40ish woman wearing a black micro-mini dress (at 4:00 in the afternoon). She actually had nice legs I’m sure were fresh from the liposuction office so the tiny dress wasn’t the issue. It was that she probably had the biggest, hardest, fake breasts I’ve ever seen. In LA, fake breasts are everywhere but it looked like she had two big bullhorns in her top so they really caught your attention. I tried to take a picture but I couldn’t get her at the right angle so it wouldn’t be totally obvious and I didn’t think it would fly if I asked, “Mind if I get a shot of your freakish cleavage?”

After exiting the elevator, I walked behind her and her companion for a distance and noticed that EVERY person walking toward us stared at her chest with their eyes bulging. I’m not exaggerating- EVERY person. And there were a lot of people. It was quite amusing.

It occurred to me a few minutes later that despite the roughly 10 minutes I spent in her proximity, I couldn’t pick her companion out of a police lineup. I couldn’t even tell you his hair color. She could have been walking hand in hand with Osama Bin Laden in his usual attire and not a single person in the mall would have even noticed.

Let this be a warning to you all: the next time you witness an unusual sight, whether it’s a goiter the size of Jupiter or a testicle dangling from too-short shorts, take a good look at their companions. If you don’t, then the terrorists win.