A couple months ago I received a jury summons, which I promptly forgot about. On Tuesday, I realized the call-in date was approaching so I dug up the jury form. It turns out I was supposed to call the court last weekend. Great. I called the automated line expecting to hear there was a warrant out for my arrest but instead it simply told me to check back again the next night after 6:00.

And I promptly forgot about it.

At 3:30 yesterday morning, I remembered and called the line. Naturally, they wanted me this time- at 8:45 am. In case I haven’t made it clear here, I do not do mornings. If I never had to spend another waking moment between the hours of 6-10 am, I would not be the slightest bit disappointed.

I spent the next hour reading over the juror documentation and filling out the form then picked out something nice and comfy to wear for the long day ahead. With a little more than three hours of sleep, I arrived for my first day of jury service.

Over the years, I’ve heard a lot of people complain about jury duty but I’ve never heard anybody describe the excruciating pain known as “juror orientation.” Or maybe it was just worse for me because mine was led by Sweaty Repeater Guy. This guy repeated every nugget of information two or three times. And I’m not saying he reviewed items he’d mentioned earlier in the orientation; He repeated them all in a row. It was kinda like this, “If you’re not assigned to a case today, you’re excused for another year. That means, if you’re not put on a jury, you’re excused and don’t have to come back. So no jury assignment today means no jury duty for at least a year.” I suppose the repetition was necessary for some people since the sweat pools gathered around his gut and the constant patting of his face were quite distracting. Believe it or not, at the end of the orientation, a woman actually asked, “If we’re not placed on a jury today, do we have to come back tomorrow?” It was enough to stir me from my semi-comatose state and say quite audibly, “You gotta be fucking kidding.” She wasn’t.

Sweaty Repeater Guy spent over two hours discussing all the materials we were supposed to have read before we arrived and gave detailed instructions on how to fill out the short form. Apparently there are a lot of jurors who need assistance with such challenging form fields as “name,” “address,” and “signature.” It was so typical of how most businesses operate: Cater to the people who weren’t prepared just to further aggravate me, who was. They should have tucked something toward the end of the pamphlet that said, “Pssst- since you’ve read this far, go ahead and come in an hour later than scheduled. You shouldn’t have to endure the boring lecture with the other slackers.” I promise the next time I’m summoned for jury duty I will be very tardy.

At the end of the orientation, Sweaty Repeater Guy stuck in some sort of juror propaganda video. It featured a bunch of people’s testimonials about their great experiences on juries and closed with the statement that “A lot of jurors even keep in touch after the trial.” I looked around at the room full of people too stupid to get out of jury duty, myself included, and wondered if anybody saw that as a potential perk. I did not. I don’t know why they felt it was necessary to try and sell us on jury duty anyway since we didn’t exactly have a choice. It’s like trying to sell a death row inmate on the idea that lethal injection is much better than the old electric chair. No sales pitch necessary.

We were released early for lunch so I went home and crashed for two hours. After the break, we sat around for another hour and half before the judge came in and said we could go. That was it? The county of Los Angeles couldn’t find one criminal in need of a jury that day?! I was a bit disappointed. I’d been llooking forward to the attorneys’ questions:

“How do you feel about drunk drivers?”
“They should all fry!”
“What about drug dealers?”
“To the chair!”
“Jaywalkers?”
“I’d like to run ‘em down myself.”

Nope, no fun at all. It was just a colossal waste of time for me and 50 other people (possibly 51- Larry King popped his head in and I’m not certain if he was there for jury duty or divorce court). Most people were glad to get out of service but I wanted a little action. The next time I’m summoned, I think I’ll stop by Illegal Alien Depot, offer a few of them some work and deliver them to the courthouse. If the county can’t bring the criminals to me, I’ll bring the criminals to them.