This week I got a taste of my personal hell: A Fourth of July pool party with no less than 30 kids, most of them under age six. If ever an occasion required alcohol, this was it but unfortunately I had to drive later and suffered through the party sober. I didn’t even go in the pool, mostly because I have a toilet at home I could splash around in if that’s what I desired. I also came to the realization that the only bikini I had with me shows a bit more boobage than is appropriate for family gatherings. I learned this lesson the day before at another pool party (only six kids) where one kid kept copping feels. The first 8 or 9 times he groped my stomach or chest, I chalked it up to him learning how to swim. Then his mom informed me he’s basically a little perv. I felt so violated.

I knew six adults at the Fourth of July party and didn’t utter one word to any others. It wasn’t because I’m anti-social, it’s because the parents of small children have the attention span of small children. The only thing more annoying than trying to have a conversation with them is trying to have one with an asshole who can never let his cell phone go unanswered.

As I glanced around the pool, I spotted a few kids who were kind of cute but most just looked dorky. I couldn’t help but wonder if their parents actually thought they were cute. Then I wondered if anybody thought the same about my two nephews, even though they’re the two most adorable creatures on the planet. I don’t know what it is about a bloodline that makes a child seem so cute but the cosmetic industry really needs to look into bottling it.

Since the temperature was about the same as the devil’s anus, I soon made my way up to a small loft upstairs where there were only about seven kids to contend with. I’m only slightly ashamed to admit I commandeered the video game and made some kids wait until I completed the entire game, which might have been responsible for at least one kid’s tears. Luckily they all had limited verbal skills for telling on me and even if they did, I knew I could counter with a solid “Nuh uuuuh.” I’m more embarrassed to admit I needed a five-year-old’s pointers on a game designed for pre-schoolers.

But the party wasn’t a total bust. It helped me come up with the perfect marketing campaign to sell to the abstinence groups. At the very least, a party like that is a great reminder to get condoms, the pill, an IUD AND the Depo shot.