Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots

I’m So Depressed

I’m pretty buzzed right now so excuse me if I ramble on and make a bunch of typos. But I really am more depressed than I’ve been in a long time so I did a few shots of Jaeger. In my early 20′s I used to do about five shots of Jaeger just to get the night started but it’s been several years since I’ve done even one. I have to admit I gagged doing them tonight. Guess I’m out of practice. And no, the depression is not because Lost had its season finale and it will be nine months until there’s a new episode. I’m actually trying to hold off on watching the finale as long as humanly possible (which will probably only be another 15 minutes).

In order to explain my depression I have to first make a confession: I attended the American Idol finale. In fact, I’ve attended every AI finale except the Ruben/Clay showdown. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve bartended at the last five Academy Awards ceremonies, all of which have been held at the Kodak Theatre- like the American Idol finales. The way it works at the Kodak is there is an online availability system, so basically, if there’s an event I want to attend I can just sign myself up as available.

As I’ve also mentioned, the reason I ever even started to watch AI is because one of my weekly poker buddies co-hosted the show the first season. And toward the end of it, he started sending me the scripts to do punchups on them (he was given some seriously ghastly lines). I didn’t make any major rewrites, just your basic punchup stuff. So it was actually somewhat amusing to me that I’d contributed to the number one tv show in America, but the only way I could attend the finale was as a bartender. But I did. On a side note, I’d told my friend that I’d be at the finale and that I’d try to find him. I couldn’t locate him so I slid a note under his dressing room door. I wrote something like, “You’re so cute and you’re a much better host than Ryan. You’re the greatest! All my love, Becca. P.S.- Nobody plays Network Executive like you do.” Becca was some girl on the American Idol forum who was totally obsessed with my friend. But Network Executive was the name of a goofy poker game we used to play. So I thought he would know the note was a joke from me. He didn’t. The next time I saw him I asked if he got my note. He said, “That was from YOU? I seriously thought Becca was stalking me.” When a comic causes such unnecessary stress to a regular person then the comic apologizes. When a comic does such a thing to another comic, then the comic laughs his (or in this case, MY) ass off.

Fast forward. The reason I didn’t admit that I’ve attended the AI finales is that I’m embarrassed. I’m embarrassed that I even watch the show, I don’t want to seem like some crazed fan because I’m really more of an unhappy addict. Honestly, I’ve never called in to vote for any of the contestants. Ok, that’s a lie. I did call and vote for Kelly Clarkson in the finals. And I hit redial twice. Then I realized how insignificant my three measly votes were and decided that was stupid. Apparently I forgot about how insignificant my votes were two years later as I once again called to vote for Fantasia. Just one vote though, because I remembered she was competing against Diana DeWhocares and she would do just fine without my votes. That’s the last time I voted. I swear. Not even for Chris Daughtry.

Whereas bartending at the Oscars is actual work, bartending for AI isn’t. I go in for three or four hours and for only an hour I do what could barely be considered labor. I pre-pour about 100 complimentary sodas from- who else?- Coke. Then I server a bunch of cocktails to celebrities who are only there in the hopes of getting two seconds of face time before 30 million viewers. Like the Oscars, we’re supposed to shut down 15 minutes before the show starts but with AI, there’s a little more leeway for serving the latecomers I want to siphon money from (like Teri Hatcher) while seconds later refusing those I’m hoping will throw a tantrum (like David Hasselhoff- I didn’t even ask what he wanted before telling him “no.” He came back later for a Diet Coke, which I now realize I should have spiked just for entertainment’s sake). Afterwards I can go in and watch as much of the show as I want. I mention all this to make it clear that I’m not putting in a ton of effort just so I can go to the stupid AI finale. It’s just hard to pass up a show that’s right around the corner for which I can actually get paid to be at. Comprende?

My American Idol finale presence miserably explained, on to the depression part. While breaking down the bar I caught some of the notable performances on the lobby tv, such as from Gwen Stefani, Gladys Knight and Smokey Robinson. I told the other bartender I didn’t really care to go in and see any of them. The only performers I’d rush in for would be Green Day and there’s no way they’d be on a show like this. I added that American Idol always features solo artists rather than bands anyway.

Not ten minutes later I heard Ryan introduce Green Day.

Anybody whose read my blog for any length of time should know I really like Green Day. It borders on the creepy way that a lot of people like American Idol. In fact, Green Day was indirectly responsible for me even starting this blog and my first post was about them. I’ve been waiting over two years for a new album and tour but have had to settle for just one televised performance from them in the last year (with U2 at the re-opening of the Louisiana Superdome last September). And their next scheduled appearance is in the “Simpsons” film. In animation. Not the same thing.

As soon as Ryan uttered the word “Green” I bolted. The last time I moved that fast was probably at the Green Day concert at the Wiltern when Billie Joe invited more people to come down to the pit. Nothing lights a fire under me more than Green Day does. I entered the door in the orchestra section so I’d be right next to the stage. But I couldn’t see the band. There was a scaffolding blocking my view somewhat so I moved around a little bit. Still couldn’t see them. Then a security guard who had witnessed my mad dash to the theatre came in and told me that Green Day had taped their performance just before the show. A two-hour live finale and the only two taped segments were the Ford video and Green Day’s performance. Unfuckingbelievable. So then I asked what time they taped their set. The guy told me it was around 3:30, just about the time I came in for the day. That’s when I almost lost consciousness. After arriving, I had entered the theatre for a little while to check out the rehearsals and saw the performances of Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, massive curlers in their hair and all. But apparently, for some “let’s fuck Jenée” reason, when I went to set up the bar, the feed to the theatre was turned off ONLY for the taping of the Green Day segment. I was fifty feet away from having a semi-private Green Day performance and didn’t even know it. I could have ambushed them at their dressing rooms but I didn’t even know they were in the building. Why is life so cruel?

After the show, I exited through the backstage area and passed all the idol contestants, including Jordin and Blake. I wanted to hug Blake and tell him I understood the disappointment he was feeling because I was feeling a disappointment of a similar kind. (Admittedly, when it comes to Green Day, my perspective on things may be a bit skewed).

Now for some weird little coincidences in the situation… Earlier in the afternoon one of the bartenders reminded me that I had sung the praises of Green Day’s “American Idiot” album a while back and had promised to burn copy of it for him to check out. I had made him the cd but then I didn’t see him for a long time and completely forgot about it. When he mentioned it, it occurred to me that I might still have the disc in my bag, which I did and gave it to him. I made the disc about a year and a half ago and I’ve seen him several times since yet he happened to pick today to bring it up and chat a bit about the band.

The second coincidence is that on the way to the Wiltern Theatre show in October ’05, my tire blew out on the freeway. Last night, I started to pull out of my parking space and discovered one of my tires was suddenly completely flat. Two flats in my entire life and both were right before opportunities to see Green Day. I’m getting all new tires tomorrow but I swear, the next time I get a flat, the very first thing I’m doing is checking on the whereabouts of Green Day.

*UPDATE A FEW HOURS LATER*- My major disappointment in missing Green Day’s set is because they’re such amazing performers. I just saw their set on the show and they did nothing. I mean, they barely even moved. So that makes me feel much better that I didn’t miss much and you should be happy to know the razor blades have been returned to their proper locations.