I.D.iots

Tonight I went to get a gift certificate for someone at his favorite hangout, Ye Rustic Inn. I wasn’t carrying my usual bag and consequently didn’t have my wallet with me. When I approached the front door, the bouncer asked for my ID and I explained that I didn’t have it and he told me he couldn’t let me in. I said, “Come on, I’m obviously over 21″ and he said, “I can’t, it’s Susan’s policy.” I tried protesting for a few minutes, probably rolling my eyes 50 times in the process but he wouldn’t budge.

I completely understand that a bar has to protect itself from minors getting in and I certainly would never have argued the point in my early 20’s but some places take it to ridiculous lengths. A 95-year-old almost-blind man could tell I’m old enough to enter, so I shouldn’t even be asked for my ID in the first place. It’s an invasion of privacy that I obliged when I was younger but why should I have to allow a stranger to know my full name, birth date, weight (well, the supermodel weight I admitted to) and address when it serves no purpose? Having been a victim of identity theft- an incredibly annoying situation to rectify- I’m a bit cautious about sharing too much information. In fact, I still use my parents’ address on my license for that reason (plus, if I ever piss off someone with access to my license and they decide to kill me in my sleep, they’ll get my parents instead. I’m always thinking ahead).

At this point, I really didn’t want to give the bar any business but since it was a gift, I said, “Fine, I want to buy a $75 gift certificate. Can you get it for me? If you could have Susan do it, I’d like to speak with her about her policy.” So he went inside to check on it, during which time four girls who were probably about 19 just strolled inside the door. Clearly, security is a top priority at Ye Rustic Inn. That’s when I realized I’d stumbled on a brilliant ploy for getting underage friends into bars- it could possibly be as effective as the old “There are two cute girls kissing each other in the parking lot” ploy. Unfortunately, it’s about 10 years past the point when I actually knew anybody underage but it would make me proud if somebody else successfully implemented this plan.

The bouncer came back several minutes later and said, “Susan said for you to return in the daytime, we’re busy right now.” I was flabbergasted. This is not an upscale Hollywood bar, it’s an $8-a-pitcher joint. I thought about all the assholes I had to be nice to over the years for their $6 purchases but then when I’m the customer, they can’t even take three minutes to accept an easy $75 that requires no immediate expense on their part. If Susan had half a brain she could have let me in and taken 30 minutes to get the gift certificate, meanwhile squeezing a few more bucks out of me for a cocktail or two while I waited.

I have no intention of purchasing that gift certificate from Ye Rustic Inn but I think I will return because I want to speak to Susan. I worked for plenty of “Susans” over the years: total idiots who had no business running a business. But as an employee, I couldn’t tell those people what I thought of them (at least, not until after they fired me). Will politely telling her she’s a shitty manager make her a better one? Probably not. But it will give me a sense of satisfaction and if I actually get around to doing it, I’ll post how it goes. I think I’ll even try to get my hands on a 22-year-old’s ID for the occasion.