Jun

I Kissed A…Great Opportunity Goodbye

I have to hand it to singer Katy Perry for her insanely infectious tune, “I Kissed a Girl,” which has rocketed to #1 on the singles charts. The title alone guaranteed it would be a hit and I’m disappointed that I wasn’t as clever as Katy. See, I’ve never kissed a girl, a fact that I regret because I believe that if I had done so in my prime, I’d be far richer and more successful today.

In my youth I was not aware that two girls kissing possessed more power than a nuclear explosion or that it was as effective at granting wishes as Paris Hilton’s Christmas list. It wasn’t until I was much older that I learned how apeshit guys get over that and how most would rather watch two girls together than be a participant with one of them. And the more anti-gay a man is, the more lesbian porn you’re likely to find on his computer.

If I could go back in time, I’d befriend a stripper named Tiffany- not one of those “I’m paying for college” types but a really skanky one with a serious crack addiction. Then I’d wave that little $10 bag of crack in her face anytime I needed some assistance, like at the mechanic.

“Three hundred bucks for a set of tires? Surely that’s not the best you can do.” Then I’d grab Tiffany and plant a wet one on her, making sure to expose a little tongue. If he only dropped the price by $100 I might have to include a grope of one of her obnoxiously large fake breasts. That should lower the price by at least another C-note. Subtract Tiffany’s crack and I would have saved $190.

I’d use it in my comedy career as well. “What do you mean chicks can’t close? What if I brought along Tiffany to open for me?” After which I’d rub Tiffany’s thigh- but only if she were wearing pants or if I had on a pair of STD-proof gloves. I’d have been headlining across the nation my second month in comedy. I wouldn’t even have to write any jokes, I’d just pull Tiffany onstage for a smooch anytime there was a lull.

Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes.

Let this be a lesson to all the young girls reading this: a boyfriend is nice, particularly when you need furniture moved but a girlfriend will get you all new furniture- and more guys than you need to move it for you.