I Admit, I Watched “It”
Like 38 million other Americans, I tuned in to the premiere of American Idol. No, I wasn’t forced to watch the program by the Bad Taste Society- I actually did so of my own free will. I realize this admission hurts my credibility when it comes to discussions of quality television, but I do have a good excuse. One of my poker buddies co-hosted the show the first season and I used to watch it just to give him some support. I didn’t even like it enough to tune in every week but somewhere around the time Justin Guarini asked the crowd to tell him how much they loved him (consequently landing him in the bottom three the next night), American Idol had seeped into my blood stream. Today the world’s wealthiest nations pledged two billion dollars to combat the spread of the bird flu, which has only afflicted 150 people worldwide, while nothing is being done to ward off American Idolitis, which has infected millions in our own country. While my situation isn’t as severe as most people’s (I can only identify two songs released by any of the contestants, both by Kelly Clarkson), a cure must be found.
…But until it is, I must chat about the show.
My favorite aspect of the auditions was watching Paula, fresh off the Corey Clark scandal, try to contain herself every time a hottie took the stage. While she did her best not to show much interest, I couldn’t help but notice the little wad of drool bunched up in the corners of her mouth. And who could blame her? I might have been tempted to go a little Mary Kay LeTourneau on 17-year-old Ace myself.
During the hiatus, Randy seems to have lost his fist-pumping “dawg” act, though I suspect it will be back. Simon, on the other hand, still insists on saying, “If I’m being honest with you…” to every other act. Nobody’s ever accused him of being less than honest. With the dough they’re throwing at him, they need to hire him some new writers so he can drop his redundant, “dreadful,” “horrendous,” “the worst…” Simon’s insults make the show but he needs to come up with some fresh ones instead of recycling them from past seasons.
The auditions brought out the usual assortment of freaks: There was the Paris Hilton wannabe with the fake tan and the speech patterns reminiscent of Terri Schiavo. There was the guy dressed as Goldilocks (or quite possibly, Cindy Brady). There was the guy who brought in his bouncing coaster invention, oblivious to the fact that a coaster is meant to keep fluids off your furniture, not to catapult them across the room. The most curious auditioner had to be the last one, the guy Randy had to ask, “Are you a dude?” Had the boy admitted to being transgender, I wouldn’t have thought he was weird. It was the fact that he looked, sounded and deliberately dressed like a girl then said he found it surprising that people often confused him for one that was weird. I guess it’s not just singing these people are clueless about (I was amused that they played “The Crying Game” for his whole segment).
The American Idol producers inject their reality show heroin through a bunch of sob stories. First we met the girl from Kansas who had just been evicted from her home and had nowhere to go. Interestingly, she was joined at the Denver auditions by about 12 people wearing shirts that spelled out her name. She had a great voice but it’s hard to sympathize with a chick who blew her rent money on a lame American Idol marketing ploy. Then we met the young cowboy from a small town who’s never been on a plane. In fact, his audition for the three judges amounted to the largest collection of teeth he’d ever sung in front of. His home videos featured him playing with a bunch of birds on his farm. I suspect we’ll see this footage again on a special 60 Minutes episode titled, “How American Idol Sent A Cowboy and Bird Flu To Hollywood.”
It’s obvious that there are just as many people anxious to be the next William Hung as there are wanting to be the next Fantasia. They don’t seem to realize it’s just as hard to fake Hung’s innocence as it is to fake Fantasia’s talent. Whereas past years’ premieres had me roaring with laughter at some of the auditioners, most of this year’s acts seemed too contrived to be funny.
While many are there clearly hoping to get 20 seconds of airtime in the “Worst of” segments, what’s even sadder is how many ghastly singers sincerely believe they have what it takes to be the next American Idol when they don’t even have what it takes to finish third at their local dive bar’s karaoke night contest on an evening when a tornado’s breezing through town. I’ll even cut the teenagers some slack for their cluelessness but their parents should be ashamed. It’s one thing to support your child’s dream, but it’s a complete disservice to encourage a dream that will never ever EVER come to fruition. Don’t boost 5′1″ Timmy’s hopes of being a pro hoopster- boost him up in his chair instead. Don’t take your Danny Devito-resembling daughter to modeling auditions- encourage her to take up astronomy or film development or any activity done in dark locations. And whatever you do, don’t tell your child with the voice like nails on chalkboard that’s she’s a talented singer. She might actually believe you only to learn the embarrassing truth in front of 38 million viewers.
25 Responses to “I Admit, I Watched “It””
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So glad it’s not just the English afflicted with ‘idolitis’. Impressed that you’ve ‘come out’ for your readers - my addiction comes and goes, but it’s my guilty secret!
it really is hard to figure out why the people that really really suck at singing, think that they are good. and then to add on to that, they dress up in stupid costumes to get “noticed” when all it actually does is make them look stupid and make american laugh at them. i agree with you on the don’t encourge them thing. the parents are just as much to blame.
Amen to that last post.
My shipmates and I (We’re in the Navy) were talking about Karaoke bars today and the conversation came around to “American Idol”.
I DON’T watch the show but I have been known to have moments (of insanity) where I have stood staring at the TV in sheer dumb struck terror in the berthing on my ship (the USS Carl Vinson) as “Aspiring singers” attempt to perform vocally.
The fact that these people’s parents ENCOURAGE their behavior and LIE to there faces about their so called talent it ATROCIUS. These people should be stopped!
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Thats ok I think not only do I have Idolitis, I’ve also got a small rash that is call Celebritiyonicis. Im hoping that a fresh shot of Survivorcillin will clear it all-up.
Funny Chicky! My new blog commented on the insanity of families supporting their embarrassingly under-talented kids… but yours was put forth in such a mind picture that I laughed outloud heartily. Thanks… I’ll take some tips from your creativity!
I dont think its really the fact people like watching them to hear the singing… but people watch it so they can see how bad poeple really do suck. I love to sing and have been in my honor choir every year and with that being said… Its very funny to see this ” singers” who really suck try to sing… though ive never watched the show but maybe the first time it aired…. and didnt find that kinda interest in it other than the fact that these people are so stupid and they just want to be on tv for maybe five seconds or so… just so simon can shut them down right in their tracks…. And I honestly think some people just like tha attintion… though I would be ashamed of myself if I knew I couldnt sing and tried to do this… Knowing I couldnt…. and knowing you would be aired over millions of tvs…. I dont think its worth that much but believe me if someone else wants to then let them…… Just think of going back home thinking about all your friends who watched you…. dang… that would suck…. No one could live that down.
I sat for a moment through episode 2 last night. Yawn. A friend of mine auditioned a couple seasons back - a GREAT singer she is - but they said, “You’re really not what we’re looking for.” This was a “screening” producer, who then sends “potentials” to a second “screening” producer, and if you pass that, that’s when you get to see Dawg, Simon and Paula. A shame, really, because they’re picking bad people on purpose for the sake of ratings. Huh. A poker buddy? Could you mean Brian Dunklemann? I saw him on an episode of Law & Order a couple years back - he was GREAT. He should stick to acting
I too watched American Idol last night like millions of others. My favs were the guy with the braids and hairy legs, and the man “who talks to animals.” Next I want to see a “woman who runs with the wolves.”
Wise words indeed.
Its quite a worrying trend actually.
For the conspiracy theorists amongst us , there could certainly be a potential argument made that the various governments are exploiting the mass media for its own purposes. I believe the term adopted on occasion is ‘Hegemony’ i.e Ideological control.
The mass media creates an unquestioning, passive, docile happy little army of sheep to keep ‘conformity’ ticking over quite nicely, and the apparent ‘eliteist’ regime in full control.
That said, you can bend me over, oil me up and smack my arse with a wooden paddle, if I dont just thoroughly enjoy watching the X Factor on ITV.
I’m not proud.
You’re a cultural phenomenon! All we need now are some science sound effects.
I am glad that I’m not Crystal (tan girl) going back to high school after that embarrasing episode!!
If she’s lucky, she won’t realize she came off a bit “odd”.
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If she’s lucky, Mrs. Walker,she WILL realize how odd she seemed. There’s no sense in appearing like you have a drug problem unless you actually do.
I’m still in shock over the guy who had the sweaty underarms and could NOT sing. Should I be laughing this hard? Of course I should! LOL
I hate your blog. I never knew you could skip the spell check. America gives you your freedom. So why can’t you put America up. After all they died for your freedom. And all you say is puting millions of Americans down. You should be ashamed of yourself of puting this blog on because America doesn’t deserve what you give.
Thanks for commenting Movie Mania. It actually means a lot to me for someone who hates my blog so much to take the time to comment on multiple posts. You’re right- I don’t spellcheck. I don’t trust it. Apparently you think I make a lot of spelling errors. If you wouldn’t mind finding some and “puting” them in a comment, I’d appreciate it.
I’m really not sure who you’re referencing as far as having “died for (my) freedom.” But since this is a post on American Idol, I’m forced to assume you mean all the singers who died in their auditions. I’m pretty sure they were doing it for 10 seconds of tv exposure and not for my freedom.
You say I put down millions of Americans and maybe you’re right. I don’t know exactly how many people tried out for American Idol this season but if there were actually millions and their skills were the equivalent of the performances I witnessed, then yeah, I’m putting down millions. People that bad who subject themselves to this process WANT to be put down.
This makes me want to start watching TV again!
Jenee, I think Movie Mania was being sarcastic.
Well, American Idol is pretty entertaining, especially in the beginning. That’s when all the horrible singers are on.
I too made the mistake of watching it. It was my FIRST time viewing “one of the most popular shows” on television. How it got to be so popular is completely beyond reason. I believe continued watching of this, or any other “reality” show, will surely rot your brain. With over 200 satellite channels to choose from, plus TiVo, I won’t EVER make that mistake again.
I am just amazed that people can watch that crap. Fun? Well, a bit.
Simon is estimated to have made a lot of Dosh. (English for money). approx $70M for telling people the truth about their talents..or lack of.
The show exists solely because YOU choose to watch in secret fascination of the moronic wannabes excruciatingle destroy songs that you thought you knew..
SHAME ON YOU!!
whats that? me watching Idol? How dare you…er….ok…but dont tell anyone ok??
You know, I think most of the people who are horrendous and “think they are good” are actually faking it as well. These are often the funniest ones, and the ones that get a fair amount of airtime. (I’m remembering last year when Ryan Seacrest took a woman who thought she was a good singer into a bar to sing while he asked people about their reactions. That part of the show is one of the main parts that I remember from last year to be honest) So I certainly believe that there are people out there who can say they are great singers with a straight face, knowing that Seacrest will milk it for all its worth. People will do anything to get their fifteen minutes.
Wow!! “American Idolitis”. Deserves an entry into the medical dictionary. It is not just the case with American Idol. In fact, the problem exists in all reality shows. They all Suck!!