Happy (Last) Birthday
This morning, California executed a guy minutes after his 76th birthday ended. I can’t help but wonder how his final visitors handled the situation. Did they wish him a happy birthday? Did they bring him gifts? (If so, did they keep the receipts)? Hallmark claims to have “cards for every occasion” but I’ve never seen a “condemned loved one” section in the greeting card aisle. I can only guess this is what some of his cards said:
Front: On this, your birthday, remember…
Inside: Live each day like it’s your last!
Front: Who would have thought you’d reach the ripe old age of 76?
Inside: Certainly not 12 former jurors
Front: At your age, don’t think of it as having one foot in the grave
Inside: Think of it as having one vein out of the grave
Front: Most guys your age can only blow out five candles
Inside: Tomorrow, you won’t even be able to do that
Front: We highly recommend you live it up on this birthday
Inside: Love, The Supreme Court Justices
Front: Congrats on receiving the birthday present you always wanted
Inside: You’re getting out of prison!
Front: A lot of people get hung up on their birthdays
Inside: Few have it happen the following day
Front: Do you remember the birthday celebrations of your youth…
Inside: …when you used to shoot up just for fun?
Front: Everybody has a tough time waking up the morning after their birthday
Inside: Some more than others
Front: You may be over the hill today…
Inside: …but you’ll be six feet under it tomorrow
Have a great day today and an ice day tomorrow
Hey, other poster, that’s MY NAME.
But, aside from that, a very funny list, Jenne. Have you seen this yet? It’s a warning label generator. Much fun.
Have tears in my eyes from laughing. Are you a professional?
I was catching up on news back in the states and saw this one. People said I was mean for laughing at this story, but I’m glad now I’m not the only one!
hello dear
well now lets see
cover : so this is your last birthday as a person
inside cover: well maybe the next life will be less complicated like climbing a tree for nuts
meep.
Front:
Have a La’birthday!
Inside:
It’s not french!
It’s short for last birthday!
I would have stopped and picked out a present for you but time is short.
Enjoy every second of your special day……….
You ARE a comedian. Thanks for putting a different perspective on this strange news.
Poor guy. And how naughty of you to make me laugh at such a thing!
He probably thought it was a relief in the end, I thought they just plug your bum and pull the plug, while the priest talks of an afterlife and asks you to repent?
That’s just films. Surely the men who do the ‘work’ are immune and numb to it all by now.,,,,
What a waste of life.
sick, mad genius. I love it.
Apparently, your noggin is a wee bit twisted too.
You know, I could brag on an on about how funny this post was (It was GREAT)…FORGET the political correctness that is stagnating our society. This guy did irreprehensible things. He deserved to die, and frankly, I’m glad the powers that be did not stay his execution so that my tax dollars kept being spent to keep his sorry ass alive a few more months or years… Sorry, I’m from Texas… we fry more that anyone else. Behave, or get off our planet!
That’s sickening that the government would do something like that. Those sayings would make good cards though.
I like this different way of thinking. Though death is not fun, but we’re smiling at it now. ^^
Some say finding humor in just about anything is sick. It can also be genius. Nicely done.
just read ur blog.
i am Ajendra….
read my blog http://ajendrak.blogspot.com/
and post ur comments
Sorry does Malinda stand for Malicious? you dont even know his life story, WHO are YOU to say someone deserves to die?
I suppose the iraqis deserve to die as well, where do you draw the line? But oh you are from Texas, Bush’s best town, where laws liuke Thou shalt Not Kill only apply to those outside of power structures….
Here is his story.
He was a career criminal. While inside prison for one killing, he ordered a hit on a young girl to cover up another crime. The hit was done, and two innocent bystanders were also killed. He lived off the tax dollars of the state of California longer than his victims lived, period.
Darky and “gallows” humour at its finest.
I think I might have farted a little I laughed so hard. That first one was precious. Poor guy. Dirt poor.
Very funny. In fact, your entire blog is great.
Front: (a picture of a birthday cake, a pillow and a shovel)
Inside: Happy Birthday! Enjoy your dirt nap!
If Hallmark doesn’t want in on this, you can probably market this idea as e-cards.
This made me weep with laughter. It’s 3.30am here, and I should be asleep, but having come across you accidentally I had to read it all. Keep up the great stuff.
Malinda from Taxxes said the dude (now dead)did “irreprehensible” things for which he (apparently) deserved to die. Can we say such big words in here? Looks like Shrub’s edumacational system failed yet another big-eared doggie. She hopefully has a husband who built her a nice big kitchen in which to waddle gently while washing dishes and being barefootedly pregnant.
I’m new to this whole blogspot stuff any tips would be great. I love ur happy last birthday…great stuff…take care
haha, you are hilarious.
brilliant post.
Your post was so funny! I heard about the news of this guy getting executed on his birthday over the radio Tuesday Morning. The DJs said the inmate tried to protest the sentence of dying on his birthday because he felt it was cruel and unusual punishment. Not quite sure if I agree with death sentences but the victims of his crimes never had a chance to speak on the death sentence he gave them.
Well I think that was quite funny but I don’t think they should execute people, I just think that a life sentence should mean life imprisonment which I think is worse for the person anyway.
Morally I have no problem with a person being executed for murdering someone. However, the current capital punishment system actually costs more than life imprisonment. I say we sentence them to life, but put ‘em in an asbestos-filled wing of the prison. That or assign them work as coal miners.
this blog is funny,and I do agree with capital punishment.But I wonder how long was he in prison for and how long was he on “death row” for?
After reading major b’s account of this mans life and how many he killed,why wasn’t he executed before?
OMG that was awesome! Thank you for the laugh!
Its a tragic reflection on you that you think this is morally reprehensible. Yes, he was evil and deserves punishment, but not death at, especially at the hands of the hands of so-called morally superior authorities and society. shame on you schwarzenegger. and for the rest, humour to make you comfortable with this is abhorent……would you have this same perspective if you had to watch his old man’s last minutes on earth? yours, a free thinking Brit.
Many of you are right-this is so tragic. It is such a waste of life…
..so somebody get that man a greeting card. “Hey handsome, I hear your feeling low on the day after your execution….oops.”
Annette must not be an American. See, over here, it averages about 20 years from sentencing to execution. It’s the countless appeals in the meantime that make it more expensive than a life sentence. This guy, Clarence Ray Allen, was already serving a life sentence for ordering a killing when he ordered the murders of eight witnesses. One was killed along with two young bystanders who had no involvement in his trial- that’s when he received the death penalty.
The Karachi Kid- Death is a part of life. I don’t see any reason why we shoudn’t find humor in it like anything else. There’s a saying that “Comedy= tragedy + time.” Well, the real tragedy in this situation occurred 25 years ago, so I didn’t feel the slightest bit bad for making cracks about his death two hours after the fact.
Would I have had the same perspective if I’d witnessed his death? Probably not. I probably would have come up with more graphic card ideas much funnier than what I posted.
The guy was fortunate that his last few moments on Earth were a lot more peaceful than most people’s- certainly more than those of his victims.
Your blog just confirms my belief that most yanks are sick – the sooner you’re all nuked the better for humanity and Mother Earth.
Yay for funny prisons and executions!
Nuking the entire country really drains all the fun from this greeting card thing. And calling us yanks is sort of stupid. How about we do none of that so we yanks can focus more time on starting up a new greeting card business.
“So you want to nuke the United States….(turn page stupid foreigner)….you forget that we have the biggest arsenal. BOOM.”
“Best wishes on our upcoming trade talks….(figure it out already)….during which you ungrateful nimrods can tell us how you want to take our jobs.”
Will you shutup about America. You are a really bad blog writer. I hope you ditch this blog your certainly a stupid girl putting down your own country.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmff … horribly offensive and I haven’t laughed so much in a long time! Thanks for putting things in perspective.
First of all – I would like to say that although the current president was governor of Texas, and he does own some land here, he is not a real Texan (not born here). Next, I would like to say that I am so happy I live in the “blue state of Austin” because the rest of this “Republic” is an embarassment (moviemania, I’m talking to you).
Con este especial sentido del humor negro, tu podrias ser ciudadana de mis pais .Argentina
Felicitaciones
Found the blog vaguely amusing. The comments that followed aren’t. It illustrates what kind of culture you have, when killing a murderer is seen as an effective way of solving things. Killing a murderer is a kind thing to do. They don’t have to live with their crime after you’ve “fried them” or whatever method you use finish them off. Nobody has the right to kill another human being & that includes the justice system. I pity those who agree with murder, regardless of “who did it first”. America has a twisted image…and that nuclear arsenal rubbish will come back to haunt you one day. If you’re going to be a comedian, expect critics.
If you were wondering if I was foreign, i’m British. Yes, we have murders here. We don’t need death row to satisfy a blood thristy general public mind you.
Paul
Sorry to take up so much room. I had to answer Karachi Kid. Got one for Paul too, down at the bottom.
Azer…
Sorry Bud… I just couldn’t let this one go by without a comment or two. I ran across your comments on another blog about the execution of clarence ray allen. This piece of crap was put to sleep. No pain… no trauma… no suffering. You should see the autopsy photos of the three people he had murdered without the slightest hesitation. Let me quote you from the blog you answered, and we can go from there.
Its a tragic reflection on you that you think this is morally reprehensible. Yes, he was evil and deserves punishment, but not death at, especially at the hands of the hands of so-called morally superior authorities and society. shame on you schwarzenegger. and for the rest, humour to make you comfortable with this is abhorent……would you have this same perspective if you had to watch his old man’s last minutes on earth? yours, a free thinking Brit
Evil is not the half of it, my fine young friend. If ever there was a good reason for a swift follow-through to the death penalty, this should have been it for allen’s first murder. Had he been executed in a timely manner, three lives would have been saved.
Three good people were completely shredded at close range with devastating blasts from a 12 gauge shotgun, leaving bits of their flesh splattered on the floors and walls. They were not shot in the head to end life quickly, but to the torso and limbs so they could feel the pain and realize that they were going to die soon. Do some Google searches on this idiot.
Mr. free thinking Brit… I am so glad you are not in charge of ANYTHING. Who in the heck are you to say that justice cannot be served by eliminating people like allen? You are the one acting superior. Would I have the same perspective by watching the old man’s last minutes? Oh yeah! The difference with me though is that I would have allowed the families of the people who were murdered use the very same shotgun used in the crimes to give him a little of the same pain before he was drawn and quartered. Last meal? Feed him his own liver.
I think I could view things differently and show tons of compassion to murderers if they followed some simple rules when they killed folks. If they followed the simple rules then I would be happy to see them being taken care of for the rest of their lives with TV and Internet access while in prison like they are now. Heck, give them heart transplants and whatever else they need to match the free medical coverage they get, too.
The rule. That they only kill the people who don’t believe in the death penalty. Since innocent life is not as sacred to some folks as much as it is to others, and some will die at the hands of evil men… kill the ones who are willing to let bygones be bygones. The one’s who are tolerant. The ones with compassion. The ones that don’t have the balls to put murderers 6 feet under.
Question. You are in a building. Someone is pointing a gun at the person who means the most to you in this world. No one knows you are there. The gunman says he is going to shoot at the count of five. He is standing on an electrified trap door that you can activate with a button in your hand. Pushing the button will electrocute the gunman before he could do anything to anybody. Do you push the button at one… two… three… four… five? Or do you let him shoot your loved one because evil people should be punished and not killed?
You are probably a nice person, but let me leave you with this, free thinker… People without a clue don’t know it.
To Paul… Although it is obvious that you are clearly more educated than Azer, the above applies to you too, especially the “clue” part. You have no idea what the criminal mind is like. You can’t possibly think incarceration sparks remorse and regret for the evil these men/women do. Brits aren’t this wimpy… Sure your not from France? I saw an ad in the local paper for some French military rifles. “Never used. Dropped once”….
hilarious!
Oh my God! Your blog is pretty much the only one I’ve cared to come back to. Your sick and twisted sense of humor is so clever and so, so, like mine!
Yee Haa, I am not alone in this world…
As for the comments written about your negativity or not being PC about executions…. get over yourself folks! Don’t read it if you don’t like it. Get a grip! Blogs are for free expression and if you are serious about condemning this site…. go to George W. Bush’s. Something tells me you’ll have more problems with his!
I don’t know what I enjoy most about this site…the posts or the reader’s comments. As if anything anyone says on here will change the world!
You people make me laugh. Keep it up!
ROTFLMFAO!!!
Stanley “Tookie” Williams…aahemmm…lmao…who could execute a man named Tookie? On his birthday?? *covering my mouth with my hand and snickering* Spookie Tookie..the co-founder of the Crips? Not Tookie..he was just misguided…Ah huh
Why are ya’ll dissing us bout killing Tookie? Where wuz ya’ll when we killt Ted Bundy?
Why wuzn’t you all griping bout the def penalty back then?
Maybe we don’t take kindly to the idea that all you lame asses with the bleeding hearts would not only abolish Capital Punishment but ya would’ve set Tookie and Teddy free in 2 years for being good ole boys.
“Now Tookie, here’s yur AK47, but we kept the bullets for ballistics. Now don’t you go a pointing that thang at nobody….noooo more. Good boy, Tookie. Here’s a widdle going away grenade and machete to show yur friends down at the bank.”
Who’s that dumass texan talking bout “behave or get off our earth”?
Goergie ain’t never behaved but that sumbitch is still around. He’s just..oh I know..a good ole boy doing bizness as usual whilst the US military gets to be his minimun wage henchmen. Ah huh…sticks and stones may break my bones but roadside bombs disect me.
Dubya has more blood on his hands than my Daddy who slaughtered pigs fer 70 years to feed his maw, paw, sisters, brothers and his own 15 kids.
Dubya is a fu**ah! His momma should’ve drowned his ass at birth.
And shot his dayum daddy for breeding a WEAPON of MASS DESTRUCTION.
F*CK Tookie Williams..
If I might steal a line from Bette Davis..I know it’s wrong to speak bad about the dead…Tookie Williams is dead…GOOD!