Recently, the power source on my laptop conked out leaving it inoperable and forcing me to use my desktop computer with a lousy monitor. Then Tuesday night the power went out just on my block. Wednesday morning it was still out so I decided to pay a visit to my parents and score a nice extra monitor Mom happened to have. On the drive over, I tried to charge my cell phone with my car’s cigarette lighter. Suddenly, the lighter no longer works. I charged my phone at my parents’ house and after I did, my phone kept cycling on and off for no apparent reason.

I returned home late afternoon to find the power still off so I took a nap (and lucky me, the only sassy fat black woman in this town who doesn’t have her own sitcom was directing traffic at the intersection 50 feet from my window, “Uh uh, you can’t park there. You can’t park there…You see that? The palm means stop…Come on baby- move it through…Let’s keep it going people, this ain’t no parade” and on and on).

The power finally came back on later that night (and don’t worry about the contents of my fridge- beer and Jack’s Hard Lemonade don’t spoil too easily) but for some reason, my DSL wasn’t working. Thirty six hours later, AT&T’s used up most of my cell minutes and still hasn’t resolved the problem.

I attached the new monitor and was pretty stoked at how much better it is than my old one. A few hours later- and at a crucial point in a poker tournament- the screen went black. This monitor that’s barely been used suddenly no longer works.

Now, I’d chalk all this up to strange coincidence except for the fact this isn’t the first time this has happened. I have had several instances when a bunch of my electrical items all stopped working properly at the same time. Not only that, I usually set off metal detectors even when I’m wearing nothing more than a tank top, sarong and rubber thongs (on my feet- don’t know why I felt the need to clarify that).

I think the answer to all this is pretty obvious: I’m bionic. And I can’t believe I never realized it before. First of all, I run at about the same speed Jamie Sommers did in the tv show. And what I’d always been told was tendonitis in my knees makes the same “er er er er” sound when I jump as it did when the Bionic Woman jumped. I hear everything, or at least I seem to be the only person in my building who ever hears the garage’s emergency exit alarm as it blares for hours into the night until I finally wake up the building manager to have him turn it off. And I recently had a scary encounter with Sasquatch (though, it might have just been an Italian guy).

So now that I’ve realized my tremendous powers, the big question is how can I use them to do good in the world? Ha ha- yeah right. I just want to know how I can use them to make a lot of money. Suggestions are welcome.