I hit the drive thru at the ‘ol Burger King today. The overabundance of errors they pack into a five minute experience is truly mind boggling. Let’s start with the order. I asked for a small meal.
“We don’t have small, we have medium instead,” the voice told me.
What the…? By definition medium can’t be the smallest! Burger King’s got a lot of nerve to think they can just change the English language because their employees can’t effectively supersize meals. They could do small, large and largest or even large, larger and largest. But medium never gets to be at either end of the line. Do they really think they’re fooling anybody calling the small size “medium?” As much as I’m convinced the world is full of idiots, I don’t believe there’s anybody out there who thinks, “I got a medium sized meal at Burger King for the same price as a small sized meal at McDonald’s! I’m coming to Burger King from now on!” It’s the same way guests staying on the 14th floor of a hotel know that they’re really on the 13th floor. A spade is still a spade.
I drove up to the window and paid for my small-sized, medium-named meal. Why, oh why, do most cashiers insist on giving back the bills or receipt first and then the change? They might as well cut out the middleman and hurl the coins on the ground themselves. I wouldn’t be surprised if “fast food cashier” is listed somewhere on Sir Isaac Newton’s rÃƒÂ©sumÃƒÂ©. Coins first, then paper.
With my bag in hand, the cashier asked me if I wanted ketchup. “No,” I said, “But may I have a side of ranch, please?” As fast food employees always do, the A.D.D.-riddled cashier then threw a handful of ketchup in my bag. I’m aware of the existence of ketchup. I’m sorry if the ketchup industry feels threatened by the growing ranch industry but I don’t need ketchup forced upon me. Maybe next time I should say I also don’t want an apple pie and see what happens.
What’s always the cashier’s final act? To roll that bag up so tight you’d think they’re trying to squeeze it into a clown car. And what’s the first thing I have to do? Unroll that bag to make sure Mr. Minimum Wage Employee didn’t forget something important, like the meal. Keep the bag open so I can quickly check the contents and so you can continue to refer to your business as “fast food.” Although, I wouldn’t put it past Burger King to start referring to their service as “faster food.”