Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots

Drunk Paris Nights

(9-7-06: NEW BLOG ON PARIS’ ARREST click here)

I returned home last night to find several new headlines on my home page:

• Suicide Bombings Kill 57 at Jordan Hotels
• Two Suicide Bombers Kill 33 in Iraq
• Feds Indict 2 in Missile-Smuggling Scheme
• Hilton’s Hollywood Smash-Up

I’m somewhat ashamed to admit the first one I read was the Paris Hilton story (I guess you can take the girl out of US Magazine, but you can’t take US Magazine out of the girl).

I’m sure you all read this story of global importance, but to recap: America’s favorite debutante/amateur porn star was in a fender bender with her new Greek shipping heir boyfriend, Stavros (not to be confused with her old Greek shipping heir boyfriend, Paris. For those women interested in their own Greek shipping heir boyfriend [GSHB], be advised they are on backorder until Miss Hilton is officially joined in matrimony).

So the couple left a nightclub in the wee hours accompanied by Kimberly Stewart and some guy named Talan Torriero from an MTV reality show (apparently Paris was slumming it that night) and GSHB took the wheel of Paris’ $162,000 Bentley (ok, not completely slumming). She let him drive her Bentley?! I don’t even let guys drive my Honda. But I suppose if I had a GSHB I wouldn’t be too worried about him damaging it since he could easily replace my car with something fancier, like a Boeing 747. They were blocked on exit by the paparazzi because dammit, the world needs to know what Paris wore on a date with her new GSHB! Then GSHB decided to play bumper cars between a pedestrian and a commercial truck before making his escape (they were “eluding the paparazzi,” otherwise known as a “hit and run” to those of us not named Paris or Halle).

Here’s where the wonderful LAPD, protectors from all evil, joined the revelry. The cops caught up to the quartet, made their assessment:

No one was hurt.

(Sorry folks, no GSHB’s, hotel heiresses, daughters of aging rockers or MTV reality stars on the market just yet). And took action:

No citations were issued, no one was given a sobriety test and no incident report was filed. This despite (the non-driving) Torriero clearly being heard to say on the TMZ.com video, “I’m the only sober one.”

No sobriety test??!! I was once pulled over and subjected to a sobriety test simply because my car registration sticker was peeling slightly (granted, the fact that I was 18 and the cop spotted me leaving a 21-and-over bar might have had something to do with it, but still…). Even if the officer didn’t smell alcohol on GSHB’s breath, his mere presense in a car at 2:30 a.m. with little-miss-party-girl is just cause to be administered a sobriety test. If the pope was caught driving Miss Hilton at 2:30 a.m he should be given a drunk driving test, whether he smashes and dashes or not.

Were the cops in some sort of rush? Did they have to hurry over to the 7-11 to try and nab some guy buying beer for a minor?

Despite any impressions I may have given, I’m a fervent opponent of drinking and driving (though I do support heavy drinking at all other times). This is one of the reasons why the 7-11 incident last week bothered me so much. A handful of cops hid in the shadows to bust people for actions that hurt nobody, then a week later, officers from the same department completely disregarded a hit-and-run collision and a passenger’s claim that the driver was inebriated. THESE are real crimes. THESE are serious crimes. THESE are crimes that have cost me no less than seven friends’ lives. But the cops just let ‘em go on their merry way. The only rational explanation I can ascertain is that they were somehow hypnotized by all the shiny objects.

They should have thrown GSHB in jail. Heck, throw Paris in jail. It would be good publicity and they’d probably have scofflaws turning themselves in so they could spend a night with the rich and famous and sell their stories to The National Enquirer.

While LAPD Lieutenant Paul Vernon claims, “The department has initiated an administrative investigation to see if the officers violated any procedures or policies,” I fear they’ll get sidetracked by other major concerns, like illegal parking and jaywalking. If the officers do get reprimanded, it will probably just be a slap on the wrist by Miss Hilton herself- with the paparazzi in tow, of course.