Regular readers may have gathered that I watch a lot of tv. The reason being that I spend half my day “working” Internet poker (“playing” makes it sound like it’s all fun and games, which it sometimes isn’t). I usually have four or five tables going at once and that still isn’t enough to hold my attention so watching the tube is the only other activity I can enjoy at the same time. Lots of people like to say, “TV kills your brain cells.” That’s probably a good thing. I think losing a few IQ points would make others less sufferable.

I rag on idiots all the time here, but the fact is, I’m jealous of them. If I had my choice to start all over, I’d come back as a raging moron. Stupid people are too stupid to realize how lucky they’ve got it. Idiots don’t flinch when people butcher the English language, they don’t shake in frustration when others can’t follow simple instructions, and they don’t look around for sharp aerodynamic objects when the cashier for a long line has to stop all movement every time her mouth opens (which is frequently). Jessica Simpson’s got it better than anybody on the planet. She’s a stupid girl surrounded by smart people who make all the important decisions for her. THAT is the good life.

I don’t think it’s fair that the imbeciles have it so easy while the rest of us must suffer. That’s why, when I’m president (I don’t think I’ve mentioned it here, but I’m going to be President of the U.S. someday), I plan to implement a policy that will make cohabitation with idiots more tolerable. I call the policy The Common Sense Act.

Here’s how it works: every citizen would be required to declare themselves as either CSR (Common Sense Ready) or ASS (All Simple Senses). Naturally, there are pros and cons to each. Life won’t change too drastically for the CSR, but it will for the ASS. Since the ASS need to be easily identifiable to the rest of us, they will be required to wear the official ASS hot pink fanny pack at all times. In addition, their vehicle must be outfitted with the hot pink ASS bumper. Not a sticker, a bumper.

CSR will be required to cut ASS some slack on stupid actions. For instance, if you’re behind an ASS who’s driving too slow in the fast lane, you can not honk at them but will have to go around (unless you too are an ASS, in which case you are allowed to honk continuously until you inevitably crash into the other car). ASS are permitted to send emails with the subject, “Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Horse sex video.” CSR have a one “Fwd” maximum and must use the BCC option for all recipients. ASS are allowed to remain in physically/verbally/mentally abusive relationships. CSR have one month to get out.

Right now, being an ASS probably sounds pretty good, but there are some drawbacks. For example, if an ASS goes to a restaurant and orders a 16 oz filet mignon, the waiter would see the fanny pack and could decide to bring the ASS an 8 oz pork loin instead. In all likelihood, the ASS won’t notice the difference, but if she does, she can only complain and/or get her order fixed if she can give a good estimate of how much 8 oz is and if she can correctly name which animals each cut of meat comes from (if she pronouned the “g” in “mignon” when ordering, there’s no second chance and she’ll have to eat whatever she gets). Basically, there’s no punishment for a CSR taking advantage of an ASS but the CSR must resolve the situation if the ASS figures out the scam.

So that gives you an idea of how Common Sense law would work. But being categorized as CSR is a privillege that can easily be revoked. The punishments for a CSR exemplifying ASS behavior are as follows:

You will be eligible for reevaluation each year, except in extreme cases (like Anna Nicole Smith) who are eligible for reevaluation one year after the first witnessed incident of any sort of CSR behavior. I truly believe this will encourage people to use common sense on a regular basis. Those who choose not to, will be at the mercy of the CSR.

Don’t forget, vote “yes” on the Common Sense Act.