Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots

Celebrity Skank-Off

The big Celebrity Skank-Off between Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan has become an exciting race with Britney’s recent hit-and-run charges. For those having trouble keeping track of who’s in the lead, let’s break down the numbers:

Crotch shots: Photographs of each of their nether regions are in abundance but Nicole takes up the rear (ahem) since she actually knows enough to wear underwear with a short skirt. This also makes it impossible to tell if she’s courting pedophiles with the bald look like her peers so it cost her a few points. Britney earned a few extra points because she was already a mother when she started sharing her privates with the world and Lindsay got hers bumped for showing her stuff at the Kids Choice Awards. Paris takes the lead with her own tendency for exiting cars snatch first as well as for her sex tape. Totals:

Nicole- 4 points
Britney- 6 points
Lindsay- 7 points
Paris- 10 points

Driving records: Britney’s at the bottom of this list with just a hit-and-run and carrying her child on her lap. Next is Paris with a DUI and driving with a suspended license. A bit more hardcore is Nicole with her DUI and driving the wrong way on a freeway. Lindsay is the front runner for two arrests bookending a rehab stay for driving under the influence of cocaine and alchohol and for smashing up about 20 cars in the last year alone. Totals:

Britney- 4 points
Paris- 6 points
Nicole- 8 points
Lindsay- 9 points

Crazy-assed nonsense: Nicole is once again at the bottom of the list for her limited displays of insanity. Next up is Paris whose points mostly derive from her planting of a libelous story about a jewelry heiress and her sex tape. (Sidenote: The only purpose of a sex tape is for a guy to share it with the world when you break up. That’s it, so don’t ever make one. If more girls would learn this we’d have less socialites being thrust upon our collective consciousness). Lindsay earned extra crazy points for photographs of her seductively holding an enormous knife to Vanessa Minnillo’s throat and breasts. Britney shaved her head. ‘Nuff said. Totals:

Nicole- 1 point
Paris- 5 points
Lindsay- 8 points
Britney- 9 points

Dating history: Paris lost some serious points for managing to having not one but two cute GSHB (Greek Shipping Heir Boyfriends). In a world with maybe four GSHB total, that’s quite a feat. But she did date the asshole who marketed her sex tape which prevents her from being in negative digits in this category. Lindsay dated Brandon Davis who’s certainly a hottie but hardly the classiest guy around for publicly referring to her as “fire crotch.” Nicole was engaged to a DJ then impregnated by a rock star. Yeah, that’s gonna work out. Britney’s first marriage lasted 72 hours then she married a white trash wannabe rapper a few months after another woman gave birth to his second child then squeezed out two more lucrative spawn for him. Totals:

Paris- 2 points
Lindsay- 4 points
Nicole- 6 points
Britney- 9 points

Just plain dumb: Paris refers to herself as a role model and Nicole expects us to believe that the chunky girl from the first season of The Simple Life can’t seem to gain weight. Lindsay got arrested for a DUI a week after exiting rehab and apparently didn’t think to dispose of the narcotics in her pocket when she saw the flashing lights. Britney- where do I even start?

Paris- 3 points
Nicole- 4 points
Lindsay- 7 points
Britney- 8 points

Adding up the points we’ve got:

Nicole: 23 points
Paris: 26 points
Lindsay: 35 points
Britney: 36 points

Even though Lindsay and Britney have a commanding lead, I’m confident that Paris and Nicole will do whatever they can to catch up. Stay tuned to find out who wins the big Celebrity Skank Off!