Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots

Breaking Up Is Easy To Do

I just watched the Bizarro Jerry episode of Seinfeld, the one in which Jerry breaks up with a gorgeous woman because she has “man hands.” It’s one of many seemingly ridiculous reasons for why Jerry stops seeing women and it got me thinking about some of my own Seinfeldian excuses for calling it quits. I already described the time I walked out on a guy because he thought a stupid t-shirt was funny and figured I’d share a few other doozies:

1) Guy threw trash on the floor at a theatre- My first job was working at a movie theatre so I’m not a big fan of the people who leave their cups and boxes on the floor, but I can tolerate it. Well, this guy and I were on a date at the movies and he’d purchased a messy hot dog. As he wiped the ketchup off his face, he threw the napkins on the floor one by one. The way he did it just struck me as completely rude.

2) Guy thought he was Corey Hart- It was a first date at the Dresden Room. I arrived to find the guy wearing sunglasses on top of his head- at night. Lame, right? They were Gucci sunglasses, which made me think he wore them thinking that would impress me. On top of that, he arrived before I did and bought himself a drink. When I came, he offered to buy my drink and pulled out a $100 bill. Now, I guess it’s possible that he brought $108 dollars with him and spent the $8 on his drink but in combination with the Gucci glasses, it seemed to me that he deliberately pulled out the C-note in my presence, again thinking it would somehow impress me. It didn’t.

3) Guy was 30 minutes late for a date- And I didn’t give him a chance to explain, which I probably should have since I didn’t even have a phone at the time.

4) Guy made a homophobic comment- He told some story in which he made an immature “fag” comment. I gave him a chance to explain and he basically said homosexuals freaked him out. I told him I didn’t think it was going to work between us and with wet eyes he told me he loved me! He was my kickboxing instructor and we’d only been on about four dates and they weren’t even romantic ones, they were activities like kickboxing and playing soccer. He was Guatemalan or something and the next time I saw him in class he gave me a beautiful poem he’d written for me in Spanish. At the time, I worked in a restaurant where the Hispanic kitchen guys often listened to Spanish radio. One day I heard a song that sounded familiar and I realized it was the poem he’d supposedly written for me. I guess he didn’t expect me to stumble upon that. For about three years afterward I would get a call from the guy every six months or so. Not a stable person.