Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots

Last Call From The Academy Awards Bartender

For the past four years I’ve bartended at the Academy Awards. This is the last of four posts about my experiences (part one, part two, part three)

This year’s Oscars did not get off to a good start for me. I’d had website problems the night before that kept me up way too late considering my 11am call time. Then my cell phone alarm didn’t go off and I woke up at 10:45! Granted, the time I’d set it for was only 15 minutes earlier, but that 15 minutes makes all the difference. It was somewhat of a miracle that I woke up on my own that early. I’d received about 10 emails stating that tardiness would not be tolerated but all I could do was walk to the Kodak as fast as possible.

I arrived red and sweaty to find nobody to check in with on the street. Security was once again lacking and I was allowed to walk into the parking garage simply because I was wearing a white shirt and black tuxedo pants (later, my large, full bag with many pockets was barely touched at the metal detector station).

I was afraid my late arrival would mean I’d be stuck on one of the upper level bars and I’d miss my destiny to share an Oscars moment with George Clooney. Fortunately, I landed my first floor location once again. The 11am start time for the 2pm doors and 3:30pm actual arrivals meant a lot of standing-around time in the beginning for us. My day perked up when I got behind the bar and learned of some great changes and additions. For one thing, the enormous magnum-sized champagne bottles had been replaced with regular-sized bottles. My arms were thankful. Also, Diet Coke had made special 8 oz bottles that said “78th Annual Academy Awards” on the back label. I could have sworn I read on the first bottle, “Sell me on eBay!” but maybe that was just in my head. The best change was that the bar switched from hosted to cash after the show started. I faked empathy to all the guests who complained about having to pay for drinks but inside it was “Cha Ching!” as the tips were more than double what we made from previous years’ hosted bars.

The lobby wasn’t as full during the show as in the past but the bar actually seemed busier even though we had four bartenders, up from three in the past. The event producers did all they could to discourage people from hanging out there all night. In addition to charging for drinks, the only large tv brought in was put in the Kodak Eastman room, which can only fit about 20 guests comfortably. The only other viewing options were the two wall-mounted lobby tv’s, which are only about 20 inches each. And they kept the volume off, which particularly sucked for me since I never had a chance to look up and see what was happening. Even still, when Jack Nicholson mouthed Crash as Best Picture there were loud gasps throughout the room.

After that, the guests filed out of the theatre and many headed upstairs to the Governors Ball while I still had several hours of breaking down to do (at the bar, not emotionally). My entire day at the Kodak lasted 13 hours. I don’t think I’ve ever put in 13 hours of labor in my life and my body is definitely feeling it today. It keeps telling me to never do this again, but already my eBay auctions are pushing for at least one more year of this.

I know a lot of people would kill to attend the Academy Awards but I have to say that it all strikes me as incredibly boring- even for the Hollywood insiders. I’m sure winning is great for the handful who do, but for the other 3400 people who attend the ceremony itself, it’s just a sedate business cocktail party like any other- though the clothing is much better. In all honesty, any night of karaoke is more entertaining than the Oscars.

But wait…what about George Clooney? I’m sad to report there was no George Clooney sighting by me or any bartenders this year. I recently read a quote in which he said he loved the Golden Globes for its open bar and that he imbibed quite a bit. I thought for sure that meant he’d be a regular at my bar so perhaps I should sue him for false advertising. Supposedly there is (was?) a People Magazine issue in which they made a list of the most important people at the Oscars and the bartender is listed at #22. Apparently the cover has George Clooney on it. It looks like that issue is the closest we’ll come to an Oscar connection. Sniff.

The First Annual (maybe) Oscar Barkeep Awards

Strangest celebrity sighting: Best Actor nominee Heath Ledger (champagne)- who arrived in the lobby unusually early- standing off to the side alone for awhile as his girlfriend chatted someone up. You would expect the acting nominees to be mobbed at every second.

Strangest celebrity sighting (honorable mention): Keanu Reeves. He didn’t do anything strange but why was he even there?

First real sign of enthusiasm I’ve witnessed during the Oscar pre-show: Nominee Amy Adams dancing what could only be described as a “jig” in the lobby. That sort of performance is amusing to see anywhere, but it’s particularly amusing to witness at the Academy Awards from a woman in a $3,000 ball gown.

Best way to handle Oscar disappointment: Hit the bar! That’s what Felicity Huffman (vodka tonic) and Paul Giamatti (not merlot) did within minutes of their respective acting losses. In fact, Giamatti made it to the bar so quickly, we hadn’t even reopened for business yet and had to tell him to wait. He consoled himself with some olives in the meantime.

Worst gown: Michelle Williams (champagne). I know many fashion critics have hailed it as one of the best but I thought it was awful. It was much orangier than it appears in the pictures and looked like it had a neckline made of cheap party streamers.

Biggest disappointment: The Governors Ball decor. For all my praise toward previous years’ decors, I thought it was tacky this year. Like last year, sections were on high platforms, which limited guests’ ability to scan the room from the floor. Everything was white with large crystals hanging from the ceiling. I think it was inspired by Krypton in the first Superman movie. There were lights that changed the room’s colors every few minutes from neon pink to blue. It looked like a garish South Beach nightclub, not the elegant Academy Awards.