Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots

Academy Awards Inside Scoop

The “scoop” is an ice scoop. For the past three years, I’ve bartended for the Academy Awards. The first year it was somewhat of a novelty: I got to see the fancy dresses up close and hold an Oscar or two (people put a lot of trust in their bartenders). For some reason I’m doing it again this year, though I’m not really sure why. Now I see it as sort of a hassle and I don’t even know if I can handle eight hours of actual work anymore but hopefully George Clooney will come along halfway through and sweep me off my tired feet. Since the Academy Awards telecast is one of the most-watched programs of the year, I thought there might be some interest in this particular Oscar angle so I’ll write about some of my recollections over the next few days. If this kind of fluff isn’t for you (and I don’t blame you), check back next week when I’ll return to my usual biting attacks.

Bartending for the Academy Awards initially involves rushing like a madman to get set up before doors open and then standing around for another hour or so until people actually enter the Kodak Theatre. About 15 minutes after the lobby fills up, we shut down. With so many nominees already on edge, this is a dangerous feat, but it’s out of our hands. The production team knows the only way to get people in their seats is to cut off their alcohol supply.

The lobby clears out completely for the opening of the show and that’s when we reopen for business. From the first commercial break, people start trickling out so that by an hour into the program, the lobby is packed. Who can blame them? There’s a giant HDTV and booze flowing freely. It’s a much better way to enjoy the show than from a lousy theatre seat with an enormous hairdo blocking the view.

A fun game for viewers at home to play is “Spot That Seat Filler.” Usually the camera crew does a good job of hiding the seat fillers but sometimes there’s no way to get around them. Last year, Leonardo DiCaprio was easily spotted in the front row with his supermodel girlfriend Giselle and Cate Blanchett next to her. But Giselle (cabernet) spent most of the show in the lobby so Leo didn’t get a lot of camera time. However, when Blanchett won for Best Actress you couldn’t help but notice a middle-aged woman sitting with Leo. I almost expected host Chris Rock to say, “You know it’s a long show when Giselle looks like that by the end.”

The tips for the Oscars really aren’t that spectacular considering how loaded most of the guests are (both in financial and inebriation terms). In fact, it’s usually the people nominated in the categories nobody cares about who tip the best. Part of the reason the tips aren’t great is that it’s an open bar so there’s no cash fondling to remind people to leave a few bucks for the poor girl whose wrist is broken after pouring 50 glasses of champagne from magnum-sized bottles. Also, we’re paid a fairly good hourly wage so we’re not allowed to have tip jars out but I always have a visible five or ten dollar bill on the bar as bait. Even still, I’ve had some big names leave zilch.

Last year, Oprah came to my bar, which kind of threw me because Oprah’s one of those people you wouldn’t think waits in line for anything- certainly not a cocktail (gin/tonic). I gave it to her and she turned her back to walk away. I too, turned away from the bar to open a bottle of champagne for the next customer all the while thinking, “I can’t believe Oprah stiffed me! She’s worth a billion freakin’ dollars and she stiffed me! She was the closest thing I had to an idol but she’s nothing to me now!” As I turned again to the bar, I noticed her standing at the corner of my well looking like she was waiting for something. I gave her the “Do you need something else?” eyebrows and she handed me a very generous tip (then repeated the tip on her next drink). Instantly, Oprah’s status had not only been reinstated but elevated to official idol! Yes, positioning on my idol list can be bought. Looking back, it’s kind of funny that she didn’t just leave the tip while my back was turned but waited to make sure I saw her leave it. Then again, maybe she just wanted to make sure P. Diddy (cape cod) didn’t take it.

That’s it for now. Later: Putting the stars in line, where the REAL money is in working the Oscars and how the Oscars got me out of a major speeding ticket.