Oscar Roundup ’09
For the first time in eight years, I watched the Academy Awards live from a vantage point away from the Kodak Theatre. And now I remember why so many attendees spend most of the night at the bar– that is one boring show. Some thoughts on the Oscars:
– Judging by Reese Witherspoon’s black eyes and ragged dress, it appears that Chris Brown already has a new girlfriend.
–I wonder who wore the sheet with the higher thread count: Jessica Biel or Tilda Swinton. I hope they were smart enough to bring along the matching pillows to use during the terminally long telecast.
–Halle Berry, on the other hand, knows the Oscars is not a time for comfort and, as always, was the best dressed.
–Jennifer Aniston gets her big moment in the spotlight at the Academy Awards introducing a clip and the camera cuts to Angelina Jolie. I’m starting to wonder if Aniston gave everybody in Hollywood Herpes and that’s why they all seem to hate her so much.
–I loved it when Steve Martin stopped in the middle of introducing a clip and randomly said to Tina Fey, “DON’T…fall in love with me.”
–I also got a kick out of Ben Stiller’s impersonation of Joaquin Phoenix’s recent whackjob appearance on David Letterman. I was a little surprised there weren’t any Christian Bale references.
–The Japanese Oscar recipients gave the most entertaining acceptance speeches of the night. It’s about time somebody gave Mr. Roboto his props.
–After hearing so many winners talk about growing up in foreign countries never imagining they’d one day come to the United States and win an Oscar, I wondered if any American kids will one day realize their dream of answering tech support calls in India.
–Let me get this straight, Sean Penn can joke, “”You commie, homo-loving, sons of guns,” and not get bleeped but if somebody utters a friendly “Fuckin’ A this rules,” 10 guys are jumping for the censor button? Not that I have a problem with Penn’s comment, I’ll just never understand our society’s stupid animosity toward four letter words. I was bummed to miss the Mickey Rourke freak show but I liked Penn’s speech. There’s something particularly hot about a straight man speaking passionately in support of gay rights.
Oscar Picks ’09
I had a change of plans and won’t be returning to the Oscars this year but I did watch all of the Best Picture nominees (clocking in at a total of almost 11 hours) so of course I have to weigh in. I haven’t given away any spoilers so it’s safe to read if you haven’t seen the films.
Slumdog Millionaire: Since I tend to be disappointed by films with too much hype, I decided to start with the favorite just to get it out of the way. The story unfolds like a grim Forrest Gump, in which the extraordinary events of a young man’s past provide him with the answers on the Indian version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Two hours later the credits roll with a strange little dance number (which, odd as it was, managed to be infinitely more entertaining than the horrific singing and dancing in the worst movie I saw all year, Mama Mia).
My philosophy is that the Best Picture stands alone, that without seeing any other films you know that’s the Best Picture. Occasionally there are two films in a year that deserve that honor, other years there are none. And it didn’t take long to realize this was the Best Picture of 2008. It’s a moving story that’s so well done I can’t even make my usual snarky comments. Go see it.
Frost/Nixon: Next up on my movie schedule was Frost/Nixon, which depicts the long interviews David Frost conducted with Richard Nixon after he left office in disgrace. Oops– I just gave away all the good parts. A movie about two dudes talking is just as riveting as it sounds and I have no idea how this ended up as a Best Picture nominee. The only thing that kept my attention was hoping that on one of his entries into the interview house, Nixon would be shot by someone on the grassy knoll who would put an end to the misery. I would have liked for this nomination to have been replaced by the clever indie, In Bruges.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: I’d heard plenty of cracks about how long and boring this movie is and when I saw the 2:43 run time, I was prepared for a snoozefest. If I’d seen it in a theatre I’d probably agree with the critics but I had a screener so I was able to watch it in chunks and I thought it was great. This is a Best Picture. It’s a shame it wasn’t a contender in last year’s weak race because I’m sure it would have won but I think Slumdog Millionaire is slightly superior and should take the Oscar.
The movie is about a man who ages backwards– the same premise that was attempted over 20 years ago when Mork and Mindy gave birth to a bouncing baby Jonathan Winters. This time around there are fewer rainbow suspenders and old men in diapers to ruin the story. My only real criticism of the movie is that toward the end, Button’s mind/body correlation seem to get confused and I don’t think it properly shows someone with a lifetime of experience trapped in a child’s body. Brad Pitt’s Best Actor nomination was a given for whoever played the part and since he didn’t do anything spectacular with the role, I think he’ll just have to settle for the Best Looking Couple Lifetime Achievement Award to be shared with Angelina.
Milk: After the beating the gay movement took in the elections, I’m GLAAD to see a gay-themed movie in the running for Best Picture but unfortunately this doesn’t have the chops to win. It’s the story of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man elected to public office in California, who was later (as opposed to previously) murdered. It’s interesting to know his story but I probably could have gleaned just as much insight and entertainment value from reading his Wikipedia page in five minutes as I did in watching the two hour film. Sean Penn does a good job as Milk and his Best Actor nomination is deserved but, without having seen The Wrestler, I’d still give the award to Mickey Rourke as a consolation for the facial disfigurement he suffered in an attempt to resurrect his career. Plus I suspect Rourke’s acceptance speech will be the most entertaining part of the Oscar telecast and I always have to root for the train wreck.
The Reader: Last up was The Reader. Kate Winslet stars as every teenage boy’s fantasy: a loose older woman who’s unencumbered by moral boundaries and that annoying edumecation stuff like reading (though, depending on some guys’ folicle preferences, they might wish she knew how to read the words “Mach III”). It’s a pretty good flick that I’d rate third among the nominees (after Slumdog and Button). Winslet is the favorite to win Best Actress but I’m not sold on her performance because I’m not sure if I was supposed to sympathize with her character or not. Is she a Nazi war criminal with a heart of gold? Or is she a sexual predator with a heart of gold? In fact, I’m not even certain she has a heart of gold but her nipples do make cameo appearances in almost every scene and I’m sure the male members of the Academy will want to see that rewarded so I expect her to take the prize.
AI Tunes
Every May when the winner of American Idol is announced, I swear it’s the last season I’ll watch this piece of garbage. Then January rolls around and it somehow ropes me back in. I lose a part of my soul with every season and I fear that if I keep watching, by season 12 I’ll be laughing at prop comics and attending Celine Dion concerts with a fanny pack around my waist.
This year, the show is back with a fourth judge, Kara Dioguardi, whose name Simon still can’t pronounce correctly. I’m used to people butchering my name and I rarely correct them but I think if I had 30+ million people watching I’d want my co-workers to get it right. She needs to use a mnemonic system to help him with it. I go with “Renée with a J,” which usually seems to help and I think she should go with “I don’t Karabout British douchebags who can’t pronounce my name.” She had no qualms about sticking up for herself when she felt threatened by Bikini Girl, even going so far as to prove her singing skills. I was embarrassed for her that she felt she needed to do that and I was amused that Bikini Girl wasn’t the slightest bit impressed, which clearly riled Kara. A fourth judge really isn’t necessary but at least she brings something to the show that Paula doesn’t: coherence.
Last night the top 36 were revealed and here are just a few comments on the selections:
Best decision by the judges: Keeping Norman and Tatiana. Norman is the guy who does the Richard Simmons type character, a choice that could have seemed painfully derivative but he keeps it just subtle enough to be funny. Then there’s Tatiana who is the epitome of the term “hot mess.” I loved it when Simon said to her, “Just try for a moment not to be annoying,” which is impossible for her to do. She’s a complete nightmare and both she and Norman will infuriate the uber fans who take this show way too seriously but they’re sheer entertainment so of course I hope they both go far.
Worst decision by the judges: Sending home the black guy who’s best friends with the dude whose wife died. I thought he was one of the best in the competition and should have gone forward.
Most predictable decision by the judges: Keeping the sweet blind dude. The guy is a good singer but not nearly as good as some of the rejects and his position probably should have gone to the guy above. I just hope Simon won’t pull any punches with him. That means he needs to rip him on his style and his bug-eyed stare like he would anybody else. Fair is fair.
How They Found Me
In my last post, I mentioned some unusual search terms people have used to find my blog and today comes one that’s a rainbow of fruit flavors: “using skittles for anal sex.” What I find particularly amusing is the fact that my blog isn’t the sole result, in fact, it isn’t even the first result. It is 10th out of over 32,000 results. People are freaks. And just to absolve myself of some of that freakishness by putting the usage in proper context within my blog, the terms were used (separately) in response to a bizarre Sharon Stone quote that I commented on here: “Things That Make You Go…Hummer.”
