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My First Joke

Today I thought about the very first joke I told on the fly and as much as I hate to admit to a lack of progress, it's still one of my best. I want to say I was about 12 at the time I said it, though I could have been 8 or I could have been 16. Whatever the case, it was way before I'd ever considered a career in standup comedy. I was sitting on my parents' bed and noticed something weird on my mom's neck. "What's that?" I asked. "What's what?" She responded. I grimaced and pointed to her neck. "That thing on your neck." She felt around for it then said, "Oh it's nothing. It's just a little growth." I ...

I Kissed A…Great Opportunity Goodbye

I have to hand it to singer Katy Perry for her insanely infectious tune, "I Kissed a Girl," which has rocketed to #1 on the singles charts. The title alone guaranteed it would be a hit and I'm disappointed that I wasn't as clever as Katy. See, I've never kissed a girl, a fact that I regret because I believe that if I had done so in my prime, I'd be far richer and more successful today. In my youth I was not aware that two girls kissing possessed more power than a nuclear explosion or that it was as effective at granting wishes ...

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, Tits: RIP George Carlin

The comedy world has lost a true pioneer, George Carlin. In fairness I should disclose that I didn't think Carlin was the funniest standup comedian but he was a brilliant satirist who will best be remembered for his "Seven Dirty Words You Can't Say On Television" routine. Sadly, he passed before our society took its collective head out of its ass and realized how harmless words are. As an avid proponent of the First Amendment who despises the FCC, I appreciate and applaud his efforts. Here he is with the revised version of his list: [tags] george carlin, seven dirty words you can't say on tv, comedy [/tags]

I Am The Warriwhore

When I returned from my Afghanistan/Paris trip, I mentioned here that I'd never been so happy to come home and I wasn't joking when I followed that by saying within 24 hours I was trying to get back out again. I contacted a friend who not only books monthly comedy tours in Iraq, he performs on each one. He happened to be in Iraq at the time I emailed him so he sent a brief response that we would do a tour together but didn't give any specifics. I got really excited about the prospect and especially going with him because I know we'd have a blast. He's the only person I've ever taken a true spur-of-the-moment road trip to ...

Didn’t Steve Guttenberg Direct E.T.?

The reason I don't get enough work done is because I suffer from a rare combination of ADD and OCD. I haven't been clinically diagnosed (nor do I actually know if it's rare) but since I've already figured it out for myself, why should I pay some quack 200 bucks to confirm it? How it works is I flit about from one topic to the next until I settle on one and spend an inordinate amount of time on it. Even back in college I used to do this at the library and anybody old enough to remember the Dewey Decimal System can imagine how much time such flitting took. Needless to say, I never accomplished anything at the school ...

Bizarre Harping

As someone who often has to backtrack when the words I say don't come out the way I intended them to, I'm somewhat forgiving when others do the same. Ok, maybe it doesn't seem that way in here because I tend to exaggerate the foibles of celebrities but in reality when someone makes a retraction I let the offending statement slide. However, I do think there's a limit to how much stupid shit a celebrity should spew in the course of an interview before one of their lackeys gives them a nudge and whispers, "Dude, you're coming across like a jackass." Gwyneth Paltrow could have used such as ...

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