Today we rode in a convoy to Camp Blackhorse, another small base around Kabul. The only live entertainment they’ve had in the last year was a military band that played Celtic music so, needless to say, we were well received. Prior to the show I joined one of the soldiers and a local interpreter for a traditional Afghan meal. The food didn’t scare me- it was actually quite good- and it was great to learn about the culture from a native. Not only that, he was seriously hot in a sweet, smart, has-no-idea-how-much-pussy-he-could-get-in-America kind of way. He told us how ...

After two days of flight delays, we finally got out of Bagram via convoy. I was excited to check out the countryside only to have the driver instruct us to keep an eye out for a particular Toyota Corolla suspected of being an IED (improvised explosive device). Nice- I travel halfway around the world only to be told to keep my eyes peeled for a car I can see every day back home. As we drove past little kids they’d give us a thumbs up, which I thought was really cool. Apparently some of them flash other fingers as well. ...

The Internet speed has been unbelievably slow at the last few bases- it takes about five minutes to load ONE page- so I'm going to have to hold off on uploading photos and updates until I have a better connection. Just thought I'd send a note to let you all know I'm alive and having a great time.

Last week I promised to send my reviews of the four best picture nominees I watched and I figure I better get this up before the ceremony so that I can bitch about the winners tomorrow: Michael Clayton- This movie was boring with a capital "Zzz." It took me three days to watch the whole thing. Any movie that features George Clooney in almost every scene but can't hold my attention has to be pretty awful. Clooney stars as a "fixer" for a law firm- he fixes people's problems. His friend has a problem that could create problems for the law firm so he tries to help his friend with his problem but he has his own problems so the firm ...

This being my third overseas tour, I’m quite familiar with the military’s “Hurry up and wait” operating procedure. I really think they need to change that slogan from “We do more before 9 am than most people do all day” to “We do more waiting before 9 am than most people do all day.” Today we checked in at 5:30 am for our 7 am flight and I was quite pleased that it was actually on time. We took off in an eight seater plane for a ride I was told would take about 10 minutes. Twenty minutes later we landed- at the same place we’d just left. Apparently there were some mechanical problems so we were told we’d have ...

I'm finally in Afghanistan! We left Germany at 6 am on a gigantic C-5 airplane. Crew: 8, passengers: 2. Does that qualify as flying on a private jet? I sat in the cockpit during takeoff with several hotties, which provided further confirmation to my belief that the Air Force is the best looking branch of the military (of course, when I perform for the Army I have to tell them they're the best looking). ...

Actually, day one was mostly spent on (or waiting for) planes. I flew from LA to NY then transferred to a flight from NY to Frankfurt with ridiculously small seats. My seating companion on the latter flight was a wannabe Borat who liked to chat. Luckily, the only open seat on the flight happened to be next to his buddy so he spent most of the flight there, giving me some room to stretch out. He returned toward the end and said, "I like make present for beautiful woooman" and gave me a box of chocolates. I thought it was kind of strange that he happened to have an extra box of chocolates on him, even more strange when he ...

For the last five years I've bartended at the Academy Awards without having seen many (some years, any) of the best picture nominees beforehand. This year I decided to make the event more interesting by watching them all so that I wouldn't accidentally shoo away another best actor nominee. I got through four of the five pictures when, naturally, something better came along and now I won't be working the Oscars- that's because I'm going to Afghanistan instead! Ok, so "better" is a matter of perspective. This is something I begged to do the day after 9/11 (otherwise known as 9/12) but the company I've done overseas gigs for in the past never booked any tours in the area. ...

I think I've mentioned this here before that whenever I've flown over the last couple of years I've glanced around at the other passengers and compared them with the hotties on Lost's flight 815. And every time it's been quite clear that if we were all stranded together, island pregnancies would not be an issue. This time I got a little proof of the kind of stud I'd be running from Smokey with: Come to think of it, he kind of looks like he's preparing for some island inseminations- assembly line style.

I can't stop singing this damn song so I'm passing it along in the hope that infecting others will help me return to my usual tune, "I'm fucking George Clooney." (FYI- It was a gift from Sarah Silverman to her man Jimmy Kimmel for the fifth year anniversary of his show).