Afghanistan ’08- Day Five
Today we rode in a convoy to Camp Blackhorse, another small base around Kabul. The only live entertainment they’ve had in the last year was a military band that played Celtic music so, needless to say, we were well received.
Prior to the show I joined one of the soldiers and a local interpreter for a traditional Afghan meal. The food didn’t scare me- it was actually quite good- and it was great to learn about the culture from a native. Not only that, he was seriously hot in a sweet, smart, has-no-idea-how-much-pussy-he-could-get-in-America kind of way. He told us how he fell in love with a woman but her father wouldn’t let her marry him so now he’s engaged to a woman that was arranged for him. He said that’s still very common in Afghanistan (even among cousins) and although he claimed he’s fallen in love with his fiancé, I thought I detected a bit of disappointment. If there had been any alcohol on the table, I totally would have tested his affections for her.
Naturally I had to ask him how familiar the Afghans are with American films and movie stars. He said they mostly watch action films and enjoy stars like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jean-Claude Van Damme. That made me laugh- I’d forgotten what a big star Van Damme used to be. Coming here is like stepping into a time warp. But he said they’re not totally behind and many enjoy the show “24″ and would trade 72 virgins for Angelina Jolie in a heartbeat (okay, that’s not how he put it but you get the point).
He also expanded on the concept of “Brotherly Love Thursdays,” which I’d heard about from a lot of the soldiers. They had told me that the women here are primarily for reproduction and the men turn to each other for a good time. The interpreter said the practice is not as prevalent as the soldiers suggested but that it’s also not unusual for men to be with other men- or more specifically with boys. I didn’t care to get further details after hearing that.
This was the first location where I was housed in the regular soldiers’ quarters with two roommates. The accommodations were tiny, the tampons were plentiful. I swear, I stepped into the bathroom and thought this was a shrine to the tampon gods. Apparently a lot of companies donate items to the soldiers. Too bad it’s stuff like tampons instead of high speed Internet and toilet seat covers.
Afghanistan ’08- Day Four
After two days of flight delays, we finally got out of Bagram via convoy. I was excited to check out the countryside only to have the driver instruct us to keep an eye out for a particular Toyota Corolla suspected of being an IED (improvised explosive device). Nice- I travel halfway around the world only to be told to keep my eyes peeled for a car I can see every day back home. As we drove past little kids they’d give us a thumbs up, which I thought was really cool. Apparently some of them flash other fingers as well.
For most of the drive there really wasn’t much to see other than the occasional mud huts the locals live in and lots and lots of dirt. Forget about seeing the ocean- I’ll bet many people in these parts live their whole lives without ever seeing grass.
We drove to Kabul, the capital of Afghanistan, where they don’t quite grasp the concept of driving lanes. They just put their cars wherever they can fit. Supposedly our military has the right of way but I didn’t notice any special treatment being given to us in the madness. It was actually kind of fun. At least, it’s fun when you’re in an up-armored vehicle but in a regular car, probably not so much.
We stayed at Camp Eggers, a small base with only about 400 soldiers but probably half of them came to our show. I have to admit, it wasn’t my greatest performance. Prior to coming here I was told I couldn’t discuss a variety of topics including sexual harassment, religion, homosexuality, the Bush administration and a couple other things. In other words, I couldn’t do half my usual act. A few times I got to bits I wasn’t allowed to do and sort of blanked on what came next, which meant there were some awkward transitions. If it were a comedy club I wouldn’t care too much about some flubs but out here I feel bad if I don’t give the troops the best performance I can. Tonight will be the first night since I’ve been here that I can sleep eight hours in a row so hopefully that will help me get it together before the next show.
After the show, I hung out with a bunch of soldiers around a campfire. The conversation was good, though sitting around a campfire where people are chugging near beer just isn’t quite the same but they make the best of it. I think I’ve mentioned before here that the big difference between overseas military shows and comedy club shows is that the soldiers don’t just enjoy the shows, they appreciate them. Many of them make a big deal about us coming out here, which makes me feel guilty because my reason for being here is hardly selfless. It’s a great adventure for me for a couple weeks then I get to go home.
They’re all here for 6-15 months with only two weeks of R&R to visit with their spouses and children. Afterward they go home for a few months then they get deployed to Iraq or some other fabulous locale. And not just men, there are plenty of women here who are away from their young children for such long periods. I mention all this because even though I’ve done the overseas gigs before, when I’m home I don’t think I’m as conscientious as I could be about thanking soldiers who have returned from deployment but I will make a greater effort to do so when I go back and hopefully some of you reading this will as well.
Afghanistan ’08- Where am I?
The Internet speed has been unbelievably slow at the last few bases- it takes about five minutes to load ONE page- so I’m going to have to hold off on uploading photos and updates until I have a better connection. Just thought I’d send a note to let you all know I’m alive and having a great time.
My Oscar Picks
Last week I promised to send my reviews of the four best picture nominees I watched and I figure I better get this up before the ceremony so that I can bitch about the winners tomorrow:
Michael Clayton- This movie was boring with a capital “Zzz.” It took me three days to watch the whole thing. Any movie that features George Clooney in almost every scene but can’t hold my attention has to be pretty awful. Clooney stars as a “fixer” for a law firm- he fixes people’s problems. His friend has a problem that could create problems for the law firm so he tries to help his friend with his problem but he has his own problems so the firm helps him with his problem so he can help them with their problem. Read that last sentence over and over for two hours and that time spent will be more entertaining than what I spent watching this film. The fact that this was nominated for best picture is a testament to the fatal charm of George Clooney and apparently the members of the academy are bigger suckers for it than I am. As for Clooney’s acting nomination, well, I don’t recall him mispronouncing any words and I never heard him yell, “line” so I guess he got the job of an emotionless man done. Tilda Swinton, who was nominated for her supporting role, uttered about 10 lines total and filled the rest of her onscreen time with bizarre mouth gestures. Being the Brit that she is, she has a nasty lower grill so in all fairness I should mention I was somewhat fixated on that and perhaps missed out on some of the finer points of her performance.
No Country For Old Men- Unlike Michael Clayton, this movie had some action, which it needed because it had no dialogue. I’d love to see the script that was nominated for best adapted screenplay because it couldn’t be longer than 40 pages. That’s probably a good thing since the only character whose dialogue was of much interest was Chigurh, portrayed by Xavier Bardem. The premise is that Josh Brolin’s character stumbles upon some money that Chigurh wants, presumably to buy more hot rollers (I don’t know how that guy found the time in his busy killing schedule to curl his hair each day). In his quest to retrieve the money, Chigurh destroys everybody and everything that gets in his way and even a few things that don’t. Dude gets a hard on from death. The movie is set in pre-DNA 1980, which allows Chigurh to be a slippery fella, much to the chagrin of the small town sheriff played by Tommy Lee “Call me Ishmael” Jones (who apparently gets a hard on from playing law enforcement officers chasing elusive bad guys). Bardem made for a creepy homicidal “ghost” and his nomination in the supporting actor category is well-deserved. Overall, it was a fairly entertaining film- a few slow points balanced by some very suspenseful ones- but not one I’d consider a best picture. And that last scene perplexed me enough that I had to watch it over. I still don’t get the significance of it and I think the previous scene would have been a more sensible ending.
Juno- I decided to break up the bleak dramas with Juno. To truly appreciate this film, I think you have to erase the notion that it’s a comedy from your mind. While it is lighthearted, it doesn’t provide the sort of chuckles that warrant the comedy label. The story is about a sardonic teenager named Juno who goes to bed (or rather, to chair) with her friend and gets knocked up. She considers abortion for about two minutes then baby fingernails and raspberry condoms change her mind and she decides to give it up for adoption.
One of the highlights for me was seeing Arrested Development‘s Jason Bateman and Michael Cera in the same program, even if they didn’t actually share any scenes together. Cera has become the new go-to-virgin and the master of awkward delivery. The funnier moments were usually thanks to him- everything he says just cracks me up. I like the best screenplay nomination for this as it’s a compelling story with clever dialogue. In fact, on paper (or on a blog) I think this could be laugh out loud funny, but often the dialogue is a bit too clever to be coming from a 16-year-old’s mouth. However, Ellen Page does a convincing job of delivering it and I think her nomination in the best actress category is just the first of others to come.
Atonement- Of all the best picture nominees, this one held the lowest expectations for me going in. I’m not a big fan of period pieces, particularly ones involving British accents (except when the title is preceded with the words, “Monty Python’s…”). But early prominent use of the word “cunt” gave me hope that this wasn’t an old lady’s tea-time flick. Set in 1935, the cuntiness begins when a mini-Chloe Sevigny lookalike pegs a crime on the wrong dude, which seriously crimps his cunt action. I started to get caught up in the romance of the story, until about halfway in when the film couldn’t decide if it was a war flick or a romance. Apparently the director decided he might have an Academy Award calibre film so he filled it with a bunch of artsy fartsy stuff instead of telling the story. I think movie makers will love it and give this the award for best picture but it fell a bit short for me.
The film showed some scenes from different points of view, which I kind of liked. But when you go that route you have to be careful about continuity and I noticed a couple of obvious goofs. One being when Keira Knightley’s character comes out of the fountain she has wet bangs in her face (from Briony’s view) but her hair is pulled back in the subsequent view. The other goof is in the library where we see a close up of a shoe dropping then in the wide shot a few seconds later the shoe is back on the foot. It’s not a big deal but I’m always amazed how stuff like that escapes the director and/or the editors.
Without having seen There Will Be Blood, my vote for best picture goes to Juno, though I don’t think any of them were really spectacular. The fact that critics have called this a strong contest sort of explains why I don’t see many movies anymore. What’s the point of spending 10 bucks on a mediocre film when I can watch Lost every week for free?
Afghanistan ’08- Day Three
This being my third overseas tour, I’m quite familiar with the military’s “Hurry up and wait” operating procedure. I really think they need to change that slogan from “We do more before 9 am than most people do all day” to “We do more waiting before 9 am than most people do all day.”
Today we checked in at 5:30 am for our 7 am flight and I was quite pleased that it was actually on time. We took off in an eight seater plane for a ride I was told would take about 10 minutes. Twenty minutes later we landed- at the same place we’d just left. Apparently there were some mechanical problems so we were told we’d have to wait until 1 pm to depart. At 1 pm it started raining and the flights were cancelled, meaning we’ll have to spend another night at Bagram and miss our first scheduled show. I guess we should consider ourselves lucky that we were able to return to the base without incident, unlike Senators John Kerry, Joseph Biden and Chuck Hagel whose helicopters had to make emergency landings in the mountains then travel by motor convoy back to Bagram.
I only took one picture all day (of this Coke can) partly because all I’ve seen today is the waiting room at the PAX terminal and partly because it’s so dry here I’m just a shriveled up mess and far from camera ready. I swear my hands look like those of an 80-year-old woman and my face isn’t faring much better. I’m starting to think those burkas aren’t a bad idea…as long as they’re brown. There’s really no point in wearing any other color since everything ends up brown at the end of the day. Even with the rain this place is just one big dustbowl.
Afghanistan ’08- Day Two
I’m finally in Afghanistan! We left Germany at 6 am on a gigantic C-5 airplane. Crew: 8, passengers: 2. Does that qualify as flying on a private jet?
I sat in the cockpit during takeoff with several hotties, which provided further confirmation to my belief that the Air Force is the best looking branch of the military (of course, when I perform for the Army I have to tell them they’re the best looking).
I spent most of the seven hour flight sprawled out across a row of chairs then returned to the cockpit to watch a mid-air refueling.
That involved pulling our plane about 30 feet below another plane then attaching a line that transferred 12,000 gallons of fuel from the other plane to ours. It was an exciting process to watch, particularly when we hit little bumps and got kinda close to the other plane. This here was the view from two inches behind the co-pilot’s shoulder.
We’re spending the night at Bagram Air Force base, elevation 5,000 ft., in a valley surrounded by snow-covered mountains. My SoCal ass isn’t digging the cold weather but at least it’s tolerable. Ira’s staying in a B-hut, which is a flimsy plywood structure that houses a bunch of soldiers. I’ve got my own toasty room with a tv and dvd player in the distinguished visitors unit. Military tours are the rare circumstances in comedy when it’s better to be a woman than a man.
I’m currently sitting in the Pat Tillman USO center fighting for bandwidth with about 40 soldiers. The connection speed is so slow I just received an email sent in 1943. This means I might not be able to post every day and will have to hold on to some updates until I find a speedy 28K connection.
It’s almost 11 pm and I have to be prepared to catch a flight to Kabul at 4:30 am. With the airstrip only a couple hundred yards from my room, I’m sure sleep won’t be a problem at all. We’re supposed to be based in Kabul for three days so I’m looking forward to finally staying in one location for more than nine hours. Hopefully we’ll even do a little comedy at some point.
Afghanistan ’08- Day One
Actually, day one was mostly spent on (or waiting for) planes. I flew from LA to NY then transferred to a flight from NY to Frankfurt with ridiculously small seats. My seating companion on the latter flight was a wannabe Borat who liked to chat. Luckily, the only open seat on the flight happened to be next to his buddy so he spent most of the flight there, giving me some room to stretch out. He returned toward the end and said, “I like make present for beautiful woooman” and gave me a box of chocolates. I thought it was kind of strange that he happened to have an extra box of chocolates on him, even more strange when he said he had four more boxes. Apparently Borat’s a playa (as in “player,” not a Spanish beach).
From Frankfurt we (the other comic and I) rode about an hour to Ramstein AFB, which is where I spent a night when I toured the Balkans a few years ago. Somehow on the last trip I must have missed the fact that the German word for “exit” is “ahsfart” so every time I passed an “ahsfart” sign I couldn’t help but giggle. I’m so immature.
The other comic’s name is Ira Proctor and we spent the morning trying to catch a flight to Afghanistan. It kept getting delayed and in the afternoon they finally told us to come back at 3 am so we checked into hotel rooms and got some sleep. Now we’re just waiting to see if we’ll get on that flight. Hopefully we will and the next time you’ll hear from me I’ll be in Afghanistan. And hopefully it won’t be on a grainy video with me holding that day’s newspaper.
Ok, time for me to ahsfart.
And The Winner Is… Me!
For the last five years I’ve bartended at the Academy Awards without having seen many (some years, any) of the best picture nominees beforehand. This year I decided to make the event more interesting by watching them all so that I wouldn’t accidentally shoo away another best actor nominee. I got through four of the five pictures when, naturally, something better came along and now I won’t be working the Oscars- that’s because I’m going to Afghanistan instead!
Ok, so “better” is a matter of perspective.
This is something I begged to do the day after 9/11 (otherwise known as 9/12) but the company I’ve done overseas gigs for in the past never booked any tours in the area. So it’s been a long time coming. Who wouldn’t turn down the Oscars for a gig where the booker spends half an hour trying to talk you out of it because of the potential danger involved? Good times.
The plan is to entertain the troops in Afghanistan for two weeks, after which I’m going to hit Paris and London for a little vacation. I say “plan” because I still don’t have a full itinerary for the Afghanistan part of the trip and my plane leaves in three hours.
Obviously, my friends and family aren’t quite as excited about the trip as I am. One of my friends asked if I was afraid of getting kidnapped and raped or possibly killed. Death doesn’t scare me too much (though, suffering beforehand does). I figure if I died my family would get the raw end of the deal, not only would they be sad, they’d be angry that they had to shovel all my useless crap out of my apartment afterward. As for the kidnapped and raped scenario, I think I’d be more upset if I were kidnapped and they didn’t at least try to rape me. If some cave-dwelling, freedom fighters didn’t want to tap this, it would totally destroy my self esteem.
I’ll try to post daily updates with photos, at least for the Afghanistan portion of the trip. In Europe, I plan to be so intoxicated on French wine that it may not be in my best interest to post in that condition. But if I puke off the Eiffel Tower (and I intend to), I’ll be sure to get footage of that and post it when I return. Oh, and my movie reviews for the four films best picture nominees I saw will be coming soon.
I’m outta here- wish me bonne chance.
The Plane Truth
I think I’ve mentioned this here before that whenever I’ve flown over the last couple of years I’ve glanced around at the other passengers and compared them with the hotties on Lost‘s flight 815. And every time it’s been quite clear that if we were all stranded together, island pregnancies would not be an issue. This time I got a little proof of the kind of stud I’d be running from Smokey with:
Come to think of it, he kind of looks like he’s preparing for some island inseminations- assembly line style.
I’m Fucking Matt Damon
I can’t stop singing this damn song so I’m passing it along in the hope that infecting others will help me return to my usual tune, “I’m fucking George Clooney.”
(FYI- It was a gift from Sarah Silverman to her man Jimmy Kimmel for the fifth year anniversary of his show).
