Is It…Tax Evasion?
Good ol’ Corey Clark- he of the Paula Abdul cougar love- is back in the news. I love it when you can just look at someone’s mugshot and know exactly what he was busted for. If the D.A. can’t get a conviction on this one, it’s time to hang up his legal briefs.
Harry Fodder
I don’t think anybody’s as thrilled that the newest Harry Potter book is on sale as I am. I’ve never read any of the books and only saw the first film (which sucked) but I’m thrilled because I am sick to death of hearing about this. The mania and security surrounding the release are absolutely insane. I can’t criticize the fact that children are so excited about a book. That’s a good thing. And I get that young kids want to be the first to read it. They think that 20 years down the line they’ll tell their kids about it and that their kids will be impressed even though in reality they’ll probably say, “Harry Who? What’s a book?” I was young and dumb like that myself. But parents need to put on the brakes and teach their kids that being the first to do something means nothing. Except at an orgy. Is it really too much to ask that parents show a little more sense than their eight-year-old children?
UPDATE: The guys at Omovies (the ones who made the hit Paris Hilton viral) are back with another video, this one a rap featuring Harry Potter. Check it out:
Put A Bounty On The Senate’s Brains
Today the Senate voted 87-1 to double the price of the bounty on Osama bin Laden’s head to $50 million. That means all but one person on the Senate are under the belief that an extra $25 million might make the difference in finding bin Laden, as if the first $25 million just wasn’t enough of an incentive for somebody. Who do they think has information as to his whereabouts? Oprah Winfrey? Forget about the money. I think most people would turn in their own mother just to do an interview with Oprah.
Come to think of it, the one holdout probably wanted to triple the bounty. Our country is so screwed.
Breaking Up Is Easy To Do
I just watched the Bizarro Jerry episode of Seinfeld, the one in which Jerry breaks up with a gorgeous woman because she has “man hands.” It’s one of many seemingly ridiculous reasons for why Jerry stops seeing women and it got me thinking about some of my own Seinfeldian excuses for calling it quits. I already described the time I walked out on a guy because he thought a stupid t-shirt was funny and figured I’d share a few other doozies:
1) Guy threw trash on the floor at a theatre- My first job was working at a movie theatre so I’m not a big fan of the people who leave their cups and boxes on the floor, but I can tolerate it. Well, this guy and I were on a date at the movies and he’d purchased a messy hot dog. As he wiped the ketchup off his face, he threw the napkins on the floor one by one. The way he did it just struck me as completely rude.
2) Guy thought he was Corey Hart- It was a first date at the Dresden Room. I arrived to find the guy wearing sunglasses on top of his head- at night. Lame, right? They were Gucci sunglasses, which made me think he wore them thinking that would impress me. On top of that, he arrived before I did and bought himself a drink. When I came, he offered to buy my drink and pulled out a $100 bill. Now, I guess it’s possible that he brought $108 dollars with him and spent the $8 on his drink but in combination with the Gucci glasses, it seemed to me that he deliberately pulled out the C-note in my presence, again thinking it would somehow impress me. It didn’t.
3) Guy was 30 minutes late for a date- And I didn’t give him a chance to explain, which I probably should have since I didn’t even have a phone at the time.
4) Guy made a homophobic comment- He told some story in which he made an immature “fag” comment. I gave him a chance to explain and he basically said homosexuals freaked him out. I told him I didn’t think it was going to work between us and with wet eyes he told me he loved me! He was my kickboxing instructor and we’d only been on about four dates and they weren’t even romantic ones, they were activities like kickboxing and playing soccer. He was Guatemalan or something and the next time I saw him in class he gave me a beautiful poem he’d written for me in Spanish. At the time, I worked in a restaurant where the Hispanic kitchen guys often listened to Spanish radio. One day I heard a song that sounded familiar and I realized it was the poem he’d supposedly written for me. I guess he didn’t expect me to stumble upon that. For about three years afterward I would get a call from the guy every six months or so. Not a stable person.
Frozen Dinner Party
This is one of those morbid stories that’s just so funny to me:
A Belgian man appeared in court on Friday after a woman at his dinner party found the bodies of his wife and stepson in the freezer as she put away the leftovers, prosecutors said. (more)
I love that the guy allegedly killed his family, yet he’s still in the mood for entertaining. I think even Martha Stewart would suggest taking the season off. Not only that, he’s enlisting the help of the guests to clean up!
“Where should I put the leftover meatloaf?”
“In the freezer, next to my wife’s foot.”
Or is it possible that it simply slipped his mind that the bodies were in there? At the very least, it should help with his inevitable insanity defense.
Cash For Trash
I thought I was done with Paris Hilton for awhile then along comes a story like this:
LOS ANGELES (AP) — An empty can of gourmet dog food taken from Paris Hilton’s trash fetched $305 in an eBay auction. The sellers were from the Web site HollywoodStarTrash.com, which also listed several other Hilton items for sale on eBay.
A used toothbrush sold for $305; two envelopes sent to her while she was in jail sold for $510; and a Coke can pulled from her trash went for $51.
It kind of scares me that there are people in this world with free access to the Internet who can spare $300 on an empty can of dog food.
WHY???? What’s the plan? Will they display it in their curio cabinet alongside their Fabergé egg collection? Turn it into a candy dish on their coffee table? Did they actually think that Paris Hilton herself allowed her delicate hands to touch a stinking can of dog food? And even if she did, WHO FUCKING CARES?
Obviously, plenty of morons do. Tomorrow I’m going to buy a map of the stars’ homes and some rubber gloves. I need a piece of this action.
