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Paris’ Jailhouse Rock

I feel guilty that I haven't shared all the information I've received from Paris' PMS (Private Messaging System). Probably the juiciest news came a couple days ago: Monday @ 1 pm: Paris ate a bowl of baked beans. Monday @ 1:15 pm: Paris farted. Juicy indeed. Paris' PMS was money well-spent. Beyond that, our favorite heirhead has been busy crying and phoning elderly newswomen. Oh, and she found God. I guess that explains that "undisclosed medical condition" she's suffering from: she's nuts. It's been well-documented here that I don't believe in God but I do believe if God does exist and he hasn't found you in 26 years maybe it's because he didn't want to be found. I can't help but picture ...

The Sopranos’ Final Jerkoff

Can I sue a tv show for wasting my time? No, this isn't another American Idol post; I'm talking about Sopranos. What was once a great show ended with a pathetic final season and the worst finale in the history of television. Shows that have been suddenly cancelled have had better send-offs. So why did I watch the full season if it was so bad? Simply put, I was duped (is dupage a valid reason for legal recourse)? Allow me to explain the Sopranos' trickery: The first half of the season aired about 10 years ago and the format had changed drastically from previous seasons. The episodes featured a bunch of choppy scenes that were virtually unrelated and didn't go ...

Paris Is Still In Jail (Updates Hourly)

I spoke to my sister last night and she asked why I haven't written about the Paris Hilton fiasco. The fact is, I've tried. I started to write about her going into jail, then I went to get a glass of water and when I came back she was out. So then I started a post about her being out of jail, then I sneezed and she was back in. It's all happening too fast for a Parisite like myself to keep up. So I finally got smart and signed up for Paris' PMS (Private Messaging System). Now, I get instant updates text messaged to my cell phone about everything ...

Things That Annoy Me #257…

... Pastels, which is why I finally changed my site's design. ... When strangers tell me to smile. I used to weakly oblige but now I tell them, "I just lost my job, smashed my car and my dog died." Sometimes they'll give a "Well, things will get better" but usually they just mutter a "Oh, sorry" and run away. And that ends up making me smile. ... When people in a crosswalk decide that rather than walk between the two painted lines, they're going to go the "shortest distance between two points is a single line" route and veer off into the driving lane. So now I've got to wait an extra five minutes to complete my right turn. I believe ...

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