Greeting Cash
I recently had a birthday and received three cards, which was only two less than I got for Christmas. When I was about 20 I used to get around 20 cards each year and frankly, I’m glad people seem to be wising up to the pointlessness of store-bought greeting cards (or maybe people are still sending the cards, they’ve just stopped sending them to me).
Hallmark’s motto is “When you care enough to send the very best” but I think it should be “When you’re too lazy or unoriginal to send a personal thought.” I’ll be honest and say that when the only addition to the card is a signature, the signature’s the only thing I read before I toss it in the wastebasket.
The only card I’ve sent in the last year or so was a sympathy card to my Grandpa on the passing of his 90-year-old younger brother. I figured that wasn’t the occasion for a humorous Photoshopped card so I hit the store to find one. It took me about half an hour to find an appropriate card because most of them either came from “us” or they were religious. Not a lot of options for us single heathens to express our sympathy. I finally found a lame card and it cost $4.00. Add in postage and it was pushing $5.00 to send the remnants of a dead tree just so it could go right into the trash.
I actually feel bad when I receive a greeting card because I know the sender wasted their time and money on something I don’t care about so I think it’s time to revamp the whole concept. Rather than send out a store-bought card, I propose that you print out a message on a postcard then paperclip a few bucks to it- whatever amount you would have spent at the store. If you see the recipient in person, just hand it to them. Otherwise, stick it all in an envelope and mail it. Is it tacky? Maybe. But $4-5 is enough for a happy hour beer and that’s going to bring me more joy than a generic card filled with adjectives that don’t even describe me.
It’s time to ring in the era of greeting cash and I’d like to be the one to get it jump started. Valentine’s day is right around the corner so let me recommend the fancy gold paper clips and colored postcards for that special someone in your life. Because nothing says “I love you” like cold hard greeting cash.
The Harder The Better
Here’s a doozy to start off the new year:
A man who has a history of smashing windows to indulge his fetish for female mannequins could draw a long prison term for his latest arrest. Ronald A. Dotson, 39, of Detroit faces up to life in prison if convicted of a charge of attempted breaking and entering at a cleaning-supply company in the Detroit suburb of Ferndale. (Full story)
I don’t know what’s more disturbing: the fact that this guy has the hots for mannequins or the fact that his repeat offenses could land him in prison for life while guys who rape actual women and children only get a few years.
I think I understand his arousal having recently seen this mannequin in a store. I love that the maker apparently thought the best way to make it look realistic was to give it hard nipples rather than something like, oh… a head.
