Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots

Granny’s Got A Gun

This is one of those horrible news titles that I hate to admit made me laugh:

I instantly thought of one of my favorite South Park episodes “Grey Dawn” in which old people from the AARP commandeered the city aiming guns at all the citizens. One of the younger guys said, “You’re bluffing” and an old lady immediately blew his head off (ok, so perhaps the humor is a bit lost in print but the scene is hilarious).

I know some people think I’m a terrible person for finding humor in certain people’s tragic deaths but come on, how often do you hear about a 92-year-old dying in combat? And think about how ineffective typical police negotiation dialogue would be with someone that age:

“Don’t make any sudden moves.”
“We understand this is a tough period in your life but things will get better.”
“If you do this, you’re going away for a long time.”

As it turned out, it wasn’t some homicidal old lady just someone who got screwed. So if you thought the title was funny, you’re better off not reading the whole story but if you want to, you can find it here, .

O.J. Squeezed From The Lineup

O.J. Simpson’s book If I Did It and the accompanying Fox interview have been scrapped.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

This of course means we won’t see what would have been the inevitable follow-up books, If I Did It (Again), I’d Scrap The Poodle Do by Marcia Clark and I Don’t Care If Anybody Did It, I Just Wanted To Be Back In The Limelight Again by Kato Kaelin.

I was seriously looking forward to the interview. I couldn’t help but be amused by the gall of this man to write a book describing how he would have killed his ex-wife, if he’d been so inclined to do that.

Well, lucky for my readers, I have an inside connection that provided me with some excerpts from O.J.’s interview with Judith Regan. Here they are:

Judith Regan: Why did you decide to write this book?

O.J.: Good question. In my exhaustive 12-year search to find Nicole’s real killer, I felt it was important to try and understand why I- I mean, why someone- would do something so heinous.

Judith Regan: In the book, you detail how you would have killed Nicole. What would you have done differently from the “real” killer?

(note: when she said “real” she apparently started to do the quote symbol with her hands)

O.J.: Clearly it was a brilliant plan that the killer got away with. But if you want to talk specifics, I wouldn’t have worn gloves that were way too small for my hands. That was the silliest thing I’ve ever heard- as if I couldn’t afford to buy gloves that fit.

Judith Regan: What would you have done to hide the evidence, such as bloody clothes, after the murders?

O.J.: I probably would have thrown them into an old Louis Vuitton bag and passed it off to a good friend. And by “good friend,” I mean someone who has a legal obligation to keep his mouth shut.

Judith Regan: (Sweating) So basically you’re saying that if you had- hypothetically- killed Nicole Brown you would have done it exactly the way the prosecution claimed you did it?

O.J.: Pretty much.

And there you have the real reason why the interview was cancelled.

Fox is surely giving up a ratings monster, perhaps one big enough to surpass its highest rated show of all time, the very classy Joe Millionaire, which had 40 million viewers. But I’ve got an idea for Fox that could be an even bigger hit: do another dating-type program where woman sign up to meet a rich bachelor. When they show up, they learn that the bachelor is O.J. Simpson! Not only would it be highly entertaining to watch the look of horror on the faces of some of the girls before they run screaming, it would be fun to see the dollar signs in the eyes of the women who decide to stay.

I Guess The Napkin Rings Were Already Taken

I just read this little tidbit regarding the Tom Cruise- Katie Holmes nuptials:

Brooke Shields, who said she bought the couple a blender as a wedding gift, told reporters she wished the couple “happiness and peace, and that they can remember all of this.”

A blender????? Either that’s a joke or Brooke’s still angry about the whole anti-depressants thing.

Bishops To Queens: “Check Mate”

This reads like something out of The Onion, but it’s legit. From the AP:

The nation’s Roman Catholic bishops adopted new guidelines for gay outreach Tuesday that are meant to be welcoming, while also telling gays to be celibate since the church considers their sexuality “disordered.” [snip]

The statement, “Ministry to Persons with a Homosexual Inclination,” was adopted by a 194-37 vote, with one abstention, at a meeting of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.

Let me start with the title, “Ministry to Persons with a Homosexual Inclination.” It sounds like something right out of the 1950′s, kind of like “Rehabilitation for Wayward Young Women” or “Tolerance Toward Those Exhibiting Negroid Tendencies.” With a title like that, you can be sure it’s not filled with progressive ideas.

The statement in a nutshell:

The bishops also underscore Catholic opposition to gay marriage and adoption by gay and lesbian couples, but also say children of gay Catholics can be baptized if they are being raised in the faith.

Under the guidelines, parishes are instructed to help Catholics avoid “the lifestyle and values of a ‘gay subculture.’” Gays also are discouraged from telling anyone about their sexual orientation outside a close circle of friends and supporters in the church.

I wonder how they help them to avoid the gay lifestyle? I suppose they prevent them from going to the gym, force them to wear clothes from Wal-Mart and convince them they really don’t need moisturizer. And exactly who are these “supporters in the church?” Supporters of immigration reform? Supporters of speed bingo night? Or are these the “I don’t believe you should get married, have sex or adopt children” sort of “supporters”?

Anyone who knowingly persists in sinful behavior, such as gay sex or using artificial birth control, should refrain from taking Communion, the bishops said.

So how does that work? When the tray comes around you just pass? Suddenly everybody in the church is jotting down notes on who took Communion and who didn’t. Your reason might have been that the Triscuit doesn’t fit into your Atkins diet but now everybody’s praying for your soul because you’re a “Gosh dang queer” who engages in protected sex. How anybody could consider the use of a condom sinful is beyond levels of stupidity than I can even grasp. If there is a God, I imagine him throwing his hands up in the air in frustration saying, “I’ve given you AIDS and homosexuality, when are you people going to get the message that I want you to wrap your wieners and stop having so many Me-damn kids??!!”

“The tone of the document is positive, pastoral and welcoming,” [Bishop Arthur] Serratelli said. “Its starting point is the intrinsic human dignity of every person and God’s love for every person.”

Absolutely. Being told your way of life that hurts nobody is sinful is the kind of positive, uplifting message that keeps a smile on your face all day long. And nothing makes a person feel more welcome than being considered “disordered.” Can people really say stuff like that with a straight face?

The guidelines condemn discrimination against gays and say it’s not a sin to be attracted to someone of the same sex – only to act on those feelings.

I wonder how they’d feel if Congress decided it’s not a sin to be Catholic- only to practice those beliefs. Surely they wouldn’t see that as discrimination either.

George Clooney Sighting!!!!!

FINALLY! Unfortunately, there’s no great story to go with it, no propositions on either of our parts, no exchange of bodily fluids or even airspace as he was about 30 feet away. But I finally saw my lover in the flesh and he was GORGEOUS! At least now it takes a little of the pressure off me for next year’s Academy Awards.

I also saw J. Lo so it’s now official: I have seen EVERYBODY in this town. If you’d like to play along, name five major actors and I’ve probably seen (and might even have a better story for) three of them.

On a separate “Only in L.A.” note, a few days ago I saw some lame-assed spikey-haired dude and thought, “That lame-assed spikey-haired dude looks just like Ryan Cabrera” and I swear, right then I was accidentally bumped by the real lame-assed spikey-haired Ryan Cabrera (if I was making it up, I never would have used Ryan Cabrera).

It is a small world indeed.

The Fall Of Lost

The “fall season” of Lost has come to an end. Sniff. While the six episodes we’ve seen so far have been a bit up and down, Lost at its worst is still better than anything else on the tube these days (Faith and Kanye aside). My thoughts/questions on this episode:

• It was great seeing Kate and Sawyer doing what could only be called in their current cleanliness states “the nasty.” That’s two women in two months for Sawyer. For being stranded on an island, he’s not doing too bad in that department. These people should consider themselves lucky that they have plenty of hotties to choose from. The last time I flew, I compared the people on my flight to the people on Flight 815 and all my options looked a lot more like Hurley, Ben and Bernard than Jack, Sawyer and Sayid.
• What was the deal with Alex using a slingshot against guys with guns? I guess she missed the news reports on how well that method worked for the Palestinians. And what’s her relationship with Ben? Adopted daughter? Teen bride?
• I think to be on Lost‘s usual par, the last two episodes should have been combined. They should have done Eko’s backstory (Kate’s seemed pointless) and death, the discovery of Patch, Jack and the videotape, Sawyer and Kate getting it on, Jack watching their nookie action and then Jack operating on Ben. But if would have been a better cliffhanger if they’d closed the episode either with the observation of Patch or with the gun to Sawyer’s head: “This is for Colleen…see ya in three months.”
• Jack, gun, what happened?
• Some Lost fans are complaining that so many regular characters are MIA and that we never witnessed Sayid report back to the other Losties about what happened with the boat. This omitted scene could shed some light as to why some characters have been relegated to mere guest appearances:

Sayid: We have no idea what happened to Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Michael and Hurley.
Locke: Hurley’s back and already filled us in.
Sayid: Oh, well, you know more than we do I guess. One more thing, I had a really bad plan to trap the Others and they ended up stealing the boat.
Hurley: Bummer dude.
Paolo: Should we send out another search party?
Sayid: Who the hell are you?
Paolo: I’m the lame-but-hot new guy who will probably be killed off before the season’s over and go back to a soap opera where I belong.
Claire: Aaron’s crying. I better feed him.
Charlie: I better help Claire.
Jin: 나의 ë°”ì§€ì•ˆì—ê³ ë¬¼.
Sun: Yes, what my husband said.
Desmond: I see dead people.

[Cut to "poof" with Lost logo]

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Losing Faith

First Kanye, now Faith.

Hill claims her reaction to losing the Country Music Award for “Female Vocalist of the Year” to Carrie Underwood was a joke and I have to give her the benefit of the doubt since that’s the sort of stunt I’d pull and then have to try and explain later. Then again, it’s the same reaction I had when Underwood won American Idol so perhaps it wasn’t a joke. Regardless, if this new trend among award ceremony losers continues, I better hope security is beefed up for next year’s Academy Awards or I’ll have to wear a bullet-proof vest behind the bar.

Sketch (Artist) Comedy At Its Best

Off the TelePrompTer:

“Police are asking for the public’s help in finding this man accused of raping three interns here at channel 7 news. He is an African-American male who’s approximately 12 inches from the chest up. Witnesses describe him as well-dressed with excellent diction and say he might be wearing some sort of hearing device. Police have absolutely no clue as to his identity or his whereabouts. After all, they’re the LAPD.”

Kan Ye Believe It?

It’s been all over the news that Kanye West crashed the stage at the MTV Europe Music Awards after his “Touch the Sky” lost in the Best Video category. He dropped an f-bomb or two and cried:

[My video] cost a million dollars, Pamela Anderson was in it, I was jumping across canyons and shit! If I don’t win, the awards show loses credibility. Nothing against you [J vs. S], but hell, man.

FINALLY! After years of watching phonies pretend to be thrilled when someone else won an award, it was the moment we’d all been waiting for. I haven’t seen his music video to know if it deserved the award but his argument that it should have won simply because it cost a million dollars and featured Pamela Anderson is a lame one, especially considering the fact that the most popular Pamela Anderson video of all time cost nothing to make. Perhaps if Kanye’s video had been “Touch The Boat Horn With A 12″ Pecker” a la Tommy Lee, the voters would have given him some props.

In my search for the Kanye video I stumbled across this gem that cracked me up. Even after watching the whole thing, I’m still not entirely certain what gender this “performer” is. It has some lulls here and there but then along comes another funny moment.

Kanye should take a note from this person and consume lots of alcohol when making the video rather than when the awards are being handed out.

Reverend Fruity McTweaker

Two ways to tell if a guy is gay:

1) He says he’s gay
2) He’s a political or religious leader who’s vehemently opposed to gay marriage.

“I bought (meth) for myself but never used it.”

“I got a massage from a male prostitute in a seedy hotel but we didn’t have sex.”

People thought Bill Clinton’s “I didn’t inhale” was laughable. Thanks for the chuckles Reverend Ted Haggard!

The Bachelor Rome

Every so often I discuss one of the crappy shows I watch (namely American Idol and The Bachelor) and I start out with a disclaimer of sorts. I feel I have to in case somebody missed a previous disclaimer and thinks, “She watches that garbage and thinks she can talk about other idiots?” It therefore seems important to acknowledge that I know these shows are crap but on some level they entertain me. So allow me right now to explain my interest in The Bachelor.

I don’t watch it because I give a damn about two people falling in love. I watch it because I get a sick kick out of seeing four or five people fall in love- all with the same person (and often, they’re halfway to love before they’ve even met him).

The whole show is a testament to how phony people are. They plop a dozen or so women who all instantly have the hots for the same guy into one house. Then the ladies pretend to be happy when someone else receives an individual date box while they get stuck on a group date. After the dates they ask the girl if she smooched with the guy because nothing helps you get a good night’s sleep like hearing about another woman swapping spit with the man you think you love. I suspect the producers don’t allow knives in the house.

The early seasons of the show featured fairly regular guys who seemed like good catches. Then they started bringing in the fantasy types: the heir to the Firestone tire fortune, a professional football player, an actor and now a prince. Yes, a real live prince. His name is Prince Lorenzo Borghese. Some pope in his family tree bestowed the clan with titles (good to know the Vatican’s history of solid family values is steeped in nepotism). Despite his Italian heritage, he was raised in America and managed to avoid the freakish looks that many intermarried royal family members often suffer from.

The fact that he’s a prince has brought a new facet to this season. It used to be that the women rattled on about what a great guy the bachelor was. This time, we’ve witnessed the girls gush about him being a prince and what it would be like for them to be a princess. What do they think it would be like? That they would oversee huge balls sitting on a velvet throne wearing a crown and bustle skirt? I imagine that being the princess for a non-existant monarchy is exactly like not being a princess- except with the word “princess” in front of your name. Princess Jenée. There, that’s the whole experience. This bunch doesn’t seem to realize the fact that he’s a prince isn’t what makes him special, it’s the fact that he’s loaded and hot that does. Let’s get our priorities in order.

While the stature of the bachelor has increased over the years, the quality of the women has waned a bit. They used to bring in a nice variety of women with good personalities and legit careers like lawyers or doctors. Now they bring in mostly cookie-cutter types whose vague career titles like “teacher” or “sales representative” often mean “actress.” Not that a lawyer is any better than an actress just that the actresses all seem so generic.

A little sampling of this season’s offerings:

The Token Black Chick-- Every season has one. She never lasts long but she always makes the first cut, presumably because the guy doesn’t want to seem racist. When are we going to get a black bachelor with mostly black women vying for his attention? Twelve black women living together and competing for one man would be sheer entertainment.

The Crazy Blonde Chick- Her Austin Powers-like “Hey baby” was a little weird

but otherwise she was my favorite. Unfortunately, she had a fun personality and a tolerable voice tone so I knew she wouldn’t go to the end (and of course she was booted last week). The women who last long always speak in the Trista-patented baby voice- at least in the presence of the bachelor. Away from him they sound like they’re one pack away from an iron lung. The fact that grown women speaking like little girls is apparently appealing to men is yet another indication that I do not understand men at all.

The Socialite- Like Kellie Pickler on American Idol, I have a tough time believing this chick is for real. She is such a self-centered, conceited snob that she makes Paris Hilton seem like America’s sweetheart. On the evening she met Lorenzo, she declared, “I even flew coach to come here and I’ve never done that before.” Then the first day in the house she complained to the host because she had to share a room and because the gorgeous residence didn’t have a (gasp!) maid. I should clarify: she wasn’t simply complaining, she was looking to have the situation rectified. She wore a tiara(!) on her dates, used terms like “commoners” to refer to the other girls and said that she’s the only one qualified to be with someone of his stature. No giggle or wink afterward- she was dead serious. Despite making this lovely side of herself abundantly clear to the bachelor (and the fact that she was probably the least attractive of the bunch), he still kept her around for several cuts. Correction: the producers kept her around for several cuts. And beyond. For some bizarre reason, they had her return to the show the next episode to decide who should get a solo date. Then they brought her back the following episode to give her opinions on the final three. It’s rather amusing to witness how a show as trashy as this manages to stoop even lower.

The Under The Radar Girl- The most distinguishing trait to this girl is her nutjob father.

On their hometown date, her father took Lorenzo aside, cocked his rifle and said, “This is what I’d do to any guy who laid a hand on my daughter.” When you have a father like that, perhaps it’s best to postpone the family meeting until after the guy has experienced your world-class blow job capabilities. You know, secure your position with him first. Besides the girl’s father, I couldn’t tell you anything else interesting about her. That means she’ll probably be the chosen one.

The “I’m saving myself for marriage” girl- Speaking of hummers… this is the second time we’ve observed this rare specimen. On both occasions, the virgins felt obligated to share this fact with the bachelors early. Ironically, the disclosure sounded much like the way someone would reveal having an STD. And both times the girls gushed over their assumption that the bachelors didn’t seem to mind, oblivious to the fact that, unlike them, the bachelors knew when to keep their mouths shut. I can’t believe this girl still exists and I really don’t understand why she does. Fifty years ago when birth control was a crap shoot it made sense to wait for marriage. Now it just seems silly to tell a guy he can stick his shlong in one orifice but not another without a marriage license. If there’s one thing we could ever learn from Jessica Simpson it’s that saving yourself for marriage doesn’t guarantee longevity (and once you’ve given it up and the marriage dissolves, does that mean you can start whoring yourself around like a proper woman)?

The “I didn’t come here to make friends” girl- Every season has her too.

She’s usually the first one the bachelor shows any interest in, often through the “first impression rose.” Naturally, the other girls all hate her immediately. Without fail, by the fourth episode she utters her namesake line. Once she does, her days are numbered. The bachelor always try to reassure her that he doesn’t care what the other women think of her but inside he’s thinking, “Perhaps the reason everybody else says she’s a bitch is because she is one.”

This season’s “I didn’t come here to make friends” girl is a real doozy. She’s 25 with a very strict plan: she wants kids before 30, which means she has to be married by 27, which means she has to be engaged by 26. The preview for this past episode showed Princiepoo visiting her at home where for some reason wedding books were strewn about and she made an appearance in a wedding gown. The puzzle-lover in me racked my brain trying to figure out how they could possibly arrive at that scenario. I wondered if it was the old “Oops- I spilled wine on my outfit. Let me slip into something more matrimonial” routine? Or if she had to dig out of the date early to fulfill her obligations as understudy in the local production of “Muriel’s Wedding?” Nope. Turned out her friend showed up with wedding dress in hand and declared (in front of him): “I heard you made it to the final four and might need this.” And the girl proceeded to try it on. Apparently, they decided to forego the psychological evaluations prior to this season.

In case Lorenzo had any question as to whether or not the wedding dress was an isolated incident, the friend informed him of the girl’s 5-year plan. Then later at dinner with the family, the dad asked if he’d seen all her wedding books. Clearly there was a theme to the date. After dinner, the girl and her father went to another room for a brief chat leaving the mother and Lorenzo alone. Had Mom pulled a Mrs. Robinsonesque seduction it would have been awkward. But in this family, awkward is a higher level to which they could only aspire. The mom mentioned that she’s a pilates instructor and started putting him through rigorous moves. This was after dinner and wine while he was nicely dressed. The daughter returned to witness the scene and commented on how embarassing it was that her mom did that. I wanted to yell at her, “You modelled a WEDDING DRESS on your second date and think pilates is embarassing????”

A girl modeling a wedding dress on a second date, a father cocking his rifle, the existence of a twenty-something virgin and the only person in the world who uses the term “commoners.” Where else can you witness all this in one place but on the delightfully trashy The Bachelor. I love it!