This is one of those horrible news titles that I hate to admit made me laugh: Woman, 92, dies in shootout with police I instantly thought of one of my favorite South Park episodes "Grey Dawn" in which old people from the AARP commandeered the city aiming guns at all the citizens. One of the younger guys said, "You're bluffing" and an old lady immediately blew his head off (ok, so perhaps the humor is a bit lost in print but the scene is hilarious). I know some people think I'm a terrible person for finding humor in certain people's tragic deaths but come on, how often do you hear about a 92-year-old dying in combat? And think about how ineffective ...

O.J. Simpson's book If I Did It and the accompanying Fox interview have been scrapped. NOOOOOOOOOOO! This of course means we won't see what would have been the inevitable follow-up books, If I Did It (Again), I'd Scrap The Poodle Do by Marcia Clark and I Don't Care If Anybody Did It, I Just Wanted To Be Back In The Limelight Again by Kato Kaelin. I was seriously looking forward to the interview. I couldn't help but be amused by the gall of this man to write a book describing how he would have killed his ex-wife, if he'd been so inclined to do that. Well, lucky for my readers, I have an inside ...

I just read this little tidbit regarding the Tom Cruise- Katie Holmes nuptials: Brooke Shields, who said she bought the couple a blender as a wedding gift, told reporters she wished the couple "happiness and peace, and that they can remember all of this." A blender????? Either that's a joke or Brooke's still angry about the whole anti-depressants thing. [tags]tom cruise, katie holmes, brooke shields, wedding, blender[/tags]

This reads like something out of The Onion, but it's legit. From the AP: The nation's Roman Catholic bishops adopted new guidelines for gay outreach Tuesday that are meant to be welcoming, while also telling gays to be celibate since the church considers their sexuality "disordered." [snip] The statement, "Ministry to Persons with a Homosexual Inclination," was adopted by a 194-37 vote, with one abstention, at a meeting of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. Let me start with the title, "Ministry to Persons with a Homosexual Inclination." It sounds like something right out of the 1950's, kind of like "Rehabilitation for Wayward Young Women" or "Tolerance Toward Those Exhibiting Negroid Tendencies." With a title like that, you can be sure ...

FINALLY! Unfortunately, there's no great story to go with it, no propositions on either of our parts, no exchange of bodily fluids or even airspace as he was about 30 feet away. But I finally saw my lover in the flesh and he was GORGEOUS! At least now it takes a little of the pressure off me for next year's Academy Awards. I also saw J. Lo so it's now official: I have seen EVERYBODY in this town. If you'd like to play along, name five major actors and I've probably seen (and might even have a better story for) three of them. On a separate "Only in L.A." note, a few days ago I saw some lame-assed spikey-haired dude and thought, ...

The "fall season" of Lost has come to an end. Sniff. While the six episodes we've seen so far have been a bit up and down, Lost at its worst is still better than anything else on the tube these days (Faith and Kanye aside). My thoughts/questions on this episode: It was great seeing Kate and Sawyer doing what could only be called in their current cleanliness states "the nasty." That's two women in two months for Sawyer. For being stranded on an island, he's not doing too bad in that department. These people should consider themselves lucky that they have plenty of hotties to choose from. The last time I flew, I compared the people on my flight ...

First Kanye, now Faith. Hill claims her reaction to losing the Country Music Award for "Female Vocalist of the Year" to Carrie Underwood was a joke and I have to give her the benefit of the doubt since that's the sort of stunt I'd pull and then have to try and explain later. Then again, it's the same reaction I had when Underwood won American Idol so perhaps it wasn't a joke. Regardless, if this new trend among award ceremony losers continues, I better hope security is beefed up for next year's Academy Awards or I'll have to wear a bullet-proof vest behind the bar....

Off the TelePrompTer: "Police are asking for the public's help in finding this man accused of raping three interns here at channel 7 news. He is an African-American male who's approximately 12 inches from the chest up. Witnesses describe him as well-dressed with excellent diction and say he might be wearing some sort of hearing device. Police have absolutely no clue as to his identity or his whereabouts. After all, they're the LAPD." [tags]lapd, channel seven news anchor, rapist, african american, kabc, marc brown[/tags]

It's been all over the news that Kanye West crashed the stage at the MTV Europe Music Awards after his "Touch the Sky" lost in the Best Video category. He dropped an f-bomb or two and cried: [My video] cost a million dollars, Pamela Anderson was in it, I was jumping across canyons and shit! If I don't win, the awards show loses credibility. Nothing against you [J vs. S], but hell, man. FINALLY! After years of watching phonies pretend to be thrilled when someone else won an award, it was the moment we'd all been waiting for. I haven't seen his music video to know if it ...

Two ways to tell if a guy is gay: 1) He says he's gay 2) He's a political or religious leader who's vehemently opposed to gay marriage. "I bought (meth) for myself but never used it." "I got a massage from a male prostitute in a seedy hotel but we didn't have sex." People thought Bill Clinton's "I didn't inhale" was laughable. Thanks for the chuckles Reverend Ted Haggard! [tags]bill clinton, reverend ted haggard, homosexuality, gay marriage, meth[/tags]

Every so often I discuss one of the crappy shows I watch (namely American Idol and The Bachelor) and I start out with a disclaimer of sorts. I feel I have to in case somebody missed a previous disclaimer and thinks, "She watches that garbage and thinks she can talk about other idiots?" It therefore seems important to acknowledge that I know these shows are crap but on some level they entertain me. So allow me right now to explain my interest in The Bachelor. I don't watch it because I give a damn about two people falling in love. I watch it because I get a sick kick out of seeing four or five people fall in love- all with the same person (and often, they're halfway to love before they've even met him). The whole show is a testament to how phony people are. They plop a dozen or so women who all instantly have the hots for the same guy into one house. Then the ladies pretend to be happy when someone else receives an individual date box while they get stuck on a group date. After the dates they ask the girl if she smooched with the guy because nothing helps you get a good night's sleep like hearing about another woman swapping spit with the man you think you love. I suspect the producers don't allow knives in the house. The early seasons of the show featured fairly regular guys who seemed like good catches. Then they started bringing in the fantasy types: the heir to the Firestone tire fortune, a professional football player, an actor and now a prince. Yes, a real live prince. His name is Prince Lorenzo Borghese. Some pope in his family tree bestowed the clan with titles (good to know the Vatican's history of solid family values is steeped in nepotism). Despite his Italian heritage, he was raised in America and managed to avoid the freakish looks that many intermarried royal family members often suffer from. The fact that he's a prince has brought a new facet to this season. It used to be that the women rattled on about what a great guy the bachelor was. This time, we've witnessed the girls gush about him being a prince and what it would be like for them to be a princess. What do they think it would be like? That they would oversee huge balls sitting on a velvet throne wearing a crown and bustle skirt? I imagine that being the princess for a non-existant monarchy is exactly like not being a princess- except with the word "princess" in front of your name. Princess Jenée. There, that's the whole experience. This bunch doesn't seem to realize the fact that he's a prince isn't what makes him special, it's the fact that he's loaded and hot that does. Let's get our priorities in order. While the stature of the bachelor has increased over the years, the quality of the women has waned a bit. They used to bring in a nice variety of women with good personalities and legit careers like lawyers or doctors. Now they bring in mostly cookie-cutter types whose vague career titles like "teacher" or "sales representative" often mean "actress." Not that a lawyer is any better than an actress just that the actresses all seem so generic. A little sampling of this season's offerings: The Token Black Chick-- Every season has one. She never lasts long but she always makes the first cut, presumably because the guy doesn't want to seem racist. When are we going to get a black bachelor with mostly black women vying for his attention? Twelve black women living together and competing for one man would be sheer entertainment.