Hollywood’s Silly Scene
Last night I had a friend come into town and decided to do the Hollywood hotspot scene. The only problem is that despite living two blocks from all the major clubs, I really don’t know the “scene.” And I don’t particularly care to. I see enough of Paris and Lindsey in the rags- I don’t need to pay a $20 cover charge to share their air space. So I figured I’d check out the small joints between my place and my friend’s hotel.
At the first bar I sat between a guy text-messaging and another guy talking on his phone while playing air keyboards to the song on the jukebox. I’m old enough to remember when people actually talked to people in person and played real air instruments like the guitar or drums. Keyboards? Come on. What’s next- air triangle?
Stop number two was a tapas bar I thought was a nice find. I saw a pitcher of sangria and asked the bartender if they sold it by the glass. The bartender said “yes” but the woman next to me whipped around and told me I should pass. She interrupted a conversation with a present being to do that so I figured it must be pretty bad and went with a safe Corona.
A guy walked up and ordered a bottle of water and the bartender said, “Six dollars.” Figuring I must have heard that wrong I asked the guy if his 16 oz bottle of Crystal Geyser really cost six dollars. He confirmed it. My imported beer cost six dollars, how could they possibly charge the same price for crappy domestic water?!! The place wasn’t even particularly fancy. Three dollars for that bottle is ridiculous. Six dollars should require the authorities to order a rape kit.
I quickly realized why the guys at the first bar were fooling with their phones. It turns out people alone at a bar do still want to chat and my water inquiry opened up those floodgates. Frankly, I didn’t feel like talking to the guy. For one thing, he paid six dollars for water. I don’t care how rich you are, anybody who pays six dollars for 16 oz of Crystal Geyser is an idiot. Not only that, he was sporting the porn ‘stache (and anybody who’s read my online dating blog is familiar with my aversion to it). I have a difficult time looking at guys with the porn ‘stache without giggling. Then they ask me why I’m giggling and I never have an excuse ready so I know it’s best for me to just look away. So for the next 20 minutes, I looked straight ahead, talked only about myself and didn’t ask him anything. A rational man would think “Either she’s not interested or she’s a self-centered bitch,” right? Not this guy. I swear to George Clooney he said, “What it going to take to get you to come home with me?”
My response could only be described as, “BWAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAAA!!!!!!”
Yes, I cackled big time. I don’t think it would have sounded any more ridiculous if he’d said, “What’s it going to take to let me perform open-heart surgery on you?”
I thanked him for the laugh then told him I had to get going.
I met my friend and together we went to one of the few bars in the area I’m actually familiar with, which is probably one of the biggest dives you can find anywhere, particularly in Hollywood. Somehow a bunch of pre-halloween revelers must have been seriously misguided as the place was totally packed.
We were trapped behind a guy dressed as a soldier who couldn’t seem to get the bartender’s attention. Knowing that we wouldn’t get served until he did, I said, “Instead of you standing there, why not put your cute blonde girlfriend with the enormous breasts hanging out of her Heidi costume there instead?”
Ok, I think I really said, “You’ll probably get served faster if you switch places with your girlfriend.” Fortunately, he was smart enough to get it without all the extra details and they switched. Naturally, she was served immediately. Why do people have to be told that stuff? When the bartender’s a forty-ish guy covered in tattoos and wearing a trucker cap, who do you think is going to get his attention first?
Of course, I saved the best for last…
Beware of silly string!
While walking down Hollywood Boulevard, I noticed this sign on all the posts and wondered if the local authorities have just given up. I imagine Chief Bratton saying, “We can’t stop the drugs and drunk driving and violence, but mark my words, we WILL put an end to silly string this halloween. Make the signs.”
Come halloween there’s going to be some poor accountant who only gets to let loose once a year, this time deciding to bring along harmless silly string. The next day he has to tell his co-workers he got slapped with a $1000 fine and they’ll tell him, “You should have done hits of X like we did. Only cost $100 a pop. And we all got laid.”
That’s Hollywood for you.
Guys Gone Wild
I just saw a commercial for Guys Gone Wild. It features half-naked guys chugging beers, yanking down their pants and being general jackasses. I think it should be called Guys Gone Normal. I don’t know for sure but I believe the catchphrase is “Show us your testicles.”
I understand the appeal of the Girls Gone Wild series. It features supposedly good girls who, through a combination of sweet-talking and free booze, agree to lift their shirts and/or kiss other chicks. Your average guy gets off to it because the girls seem attainable- as if that could transpire in front of him if he just knew enough about women to make that happen.
But surely the Guys Gone Wild series is not geared toward women. If we want to see guys do something outrageous or show some nudity, all we have to do is ask. And almost any guy will do whatever it is, even for the camera (as many photos in my albums can attest to).
If the creators of Guys Gone Wild really want women to purchase their videos, they need to realize we don’t care about seeing naked guys simply because they’re naked. We want to see those hot bods doing something productive like cleaning the house or cashing a paycheck. THOSE are acts worth paying to see.
A Very Unlucky Friday The 13th
I’ve always laughed in the face of superstition: I’ve flown several times on Friday the 13th (flights are cheap and the planes are usually empty). When I had to choose a number for a new cell phone (which I’d purchased on Friday the 13th), I jumped at the one with the prefix “666.” And I had the coolest black cat ever.
With the luck I have, I’m starting to think my disregard for superstitions ain’t so smart.
Last week’s Friday the 13th started out with an email from my poker site stating that because Bush was set to sign the Internet gambling bill later in the day, they were ceasing business with their US customers and all accounts would be closed at a certain time.
The letter was sent after that time had passed.
So I went into a bit of a panic realizing I was suddenly unemployed with only a few weeks of comedy work on the horizon. Plus I wondered if I’d ever see a significant amount of cash I have in two accounts ever again. The worst part is, unlike times in the past when I’ve been fired, this time I can’t stick it to the bastard who did it through unemployment. I suppose I could just stick it to Uncle Sam at tax time. After all, if the government doesn’t want me gambling online, I should probably just keep it to myself how much I earn (which, if there are any IRS agents reading this, is only about $20 this year).
I was furious because I’d emailed my site less than two weeks ago inquiring about how the bill could affect their operations with US customers and I was basically told that worst case scenario it would be nine months before anything went into affect. Silly me for thinking that such a specific detail as “nine months” meant my site knew what they were talking about and were providing me with accurate information.
Mass liquor consumption followed.
When I sobered up, I figured there had to be at least a few sites who realized the profit they could make off all these abandoned poker players had to offset any penalties the US government could impose (if they could even impose any- the bill seems to put all the responsibility on US financial institutions, not the players or the gambling sites). So I shot off a bunch of emails to poker sites and found that most are still allowing US players, at least for the time being. However, for some reason I don’t understand, many will not allow players from the following states: Michigan, Illinois, Louisiana, Oregon, Wisconsin, Washington, Indiana, Nevada, South Dakota, New York, New Jersey. The sites that won’t allow any US players at all seem to be mostly limited to “those in possession of Jenée’s money.”
I’m bummed to have to switch to a new site as I’d been very happy with my last site (well, up until that whole “your account’s closed” debacle). But last week’s panic has made me realize that I do have to consider other career possibilities soon rather than waiting until 8 months and 29 days have passed. In the meantime, if any of the links on this site seem particularly appealing (wink, wink, cough, cough) feel free to follow them.
For those poker players wondering where to go, here’s a short listing of some of the major sites’ current stance. Most of the links go to the responses that were sent to me. Some of the responses weren’t totally specific on how long they intend to do business with US customers, so some of my assumptions may not be correct. It’s best to contact the site directly if you have any concerns (and don’t be suprised if they promise you at least nine months then close your account the next day…)
Online financial institutions:
Neteller- (Which I think is by far the best) is allowing transactions. Their position is stated here.
Firepay- Has stopped all transfers to and from gaming sites.
Sites suggesting they’ll allow US players for at least 270 days following the bill’s 10/13/06 signing:
Poker Stars
Full Tilt Poker
Absolute Poker
Ultimate Bet
Prima Poker Network sites: All-In, Golden Riviera,
Sites allowing US players at least for short term:
Poker Room
Poker Rewards (state restrictions)
Prima Poker Network sites-Trident Group, Poker Metro (state restrictions), Gaming Club Poker (state restrictions), BetonBet (said it’s likely US players will not be allowed in the next week or two),
Sites not allowing any US players right now:
Party Poker
Paradise Poker (allowing existing players in non-restricted states, but no deposits)
Intertops- Not clear on current policy.
Prima Poker network sites- 32Red, Wild Jack Poker (not clear on current policy), Betway, Tell Poker, Purple Lounge, Spin Palace, Code Poker,
Happy Blogiversary
Today marks the one-year anniversary of my first real blog entry. I’m pretty proud of myself for sticking with it this long since the longest I ever kept any sort of journal in the past was about three weeks on a trip my family took around the country. And since I still get a kick out of reading about pranks I pulled at the tender age of 11 and how I rated each campground based on its arcade, perhaps when I’m 80 sitting in the house of the Lord with my “Bush III For Pres” bumper sticker on my mini-van outside, I’ll get a chuckle out of how silly I was way back in 2006.
I had planned to write an update on things I’ve discussed over the last year but didn’t quite get around to it. Maybe I will in the next couple days. In the meantime, enjoy the pretty new colors.
I do want to say a big thanks to my faithful readers- for your comments, for your criticisms or for just checking in every once in a while. If not for you, this journal attempt might have only lasted three weeks too. You’re the reason this keepsake has stayed alive so you’ve given me a lot more than I’ve given you and I sincerely appreciate it.
SURE…When *I* Make Money, Game Over
For months people have been asking me what I would do if the online gaming bill (Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act of 2006) passed and I said I wasn’t going to worry about it until it happened. Well, barring the immediate discovery of naughty emails sent from George Dubya to underage male interns, it’s a done deal. So now it’s time to worry about it.
The fact that it’s soon to be law is not a reason I would stop playing Internet poker. There are moral laws then there are the intrusive laws of people with their own agendas. In case there’s any question as to which kind the online gaming bill is, let me point out that state-run lotteries and horse racing are exempt from the bill. The bill’s concerns over the hardships caused by gambling addiction apparently don’t apply when the states are the ones profiting.
How will the law affect me? It might not. The gist of the bill is that it will be illegal for financial institutions and credit card companies to give money to online gaming sites. As it is now, most banks and credit cards won’t allow you to purchase funds at gambling sites. Players deposit funds through other online money transfer companies like Neteller or Firepay. And there’s still some question whether or not these offshore companies will be affected by the bill. Additionally, the bill focuses on furnishing funds to gambling sites, which I don’t do. I leave a certain amount in my account at all times and withdraw the rest.
The most likely way the law will affect me is if the number of players drastically decreases. Currently, Americans make up more than half the gaming market. And I’m inclined to believe it’s the casual players who will jump ship while the more accomplished ones stick around. The people who play “just for fun” are the suckers, I mean they’re the reason, I can make a living doing this.
For right now, it’s business as usual. Worst case scenario I’ve got nine months to create a fabulous “Will go all in for food” sign. Hey! That could lead me to my next career.
Lost Is Back!
I am a happy, happy woman today now that Lost is back, albeit temporarily. Some comments on last night’s episode that nobody else will care about:
– First and foremost, could there have been any more commercials??? At first I thought, “Wow- this show is so great the time is just flying by.” Then I realized, no, there were actually commercials every 6-7 minutes. I think this was the first time I ever watched the show live and it will most likely be the last time.
– LOVED the opening. I tried hard to figure out who’s backstory that woman was from and never saw it coming that she was an Other. Seeing the plane break up from their perspective was awesome. Juliet’s facial expressions/tears in response to the lyrics in “Downtown” and her comment that “I thought free will still existed on this…” just before the earthquake were both very interesting. Does she really want to be there and does she even have a choice?
– The Hydra’s an underwater hatch. I wonder just how big it is…?
– Zeke commented to Kate, “You’re not my type.” I’m guessing he’s gay. Any importance?
– Are the Others playing with their minds or what? Their respective “prisons” were tailor made for them. Kate was given what every woman would want after a couple months on an island: to feel pretty. Then they plopped her in her lovely dress across from Sawyer to see what happens (I’m curious what could have caused the injuries on her wrists and what an “unpleasant next two weeks” means). Sawyer’s Pavlovian experiment tested his need (and possibly aptitude) for getting around the system. I wonder if “Chachie” (I love Sawyer’s nicknames- I melted once again from his sweet “Freckles” when he gave Kate the biscuit) is one of the Tailies who was captured early or if he’s an Other and the escape was all a setup? The look on Sawyer’s face when Zeke told him the (polar?) bears figured out the feeding contraption in only two hours was priceless. Jack was tested to see if he could abandon his trust and control issues. I don’t think they were ever in danger for their lives in that tank. I believe the flood was totally planned and was an attempt to make him trust Juliet when she helped him and to teach him that when they say not to do something, don’t do it. I wonder if the strong resemblance Juliet bears to his ex-wife is the reason why she’s the one dealing with Jack?
– Does Juliet actually know there’s a strong resemblance to Jack’s ex-wife? At first I thought the Others must have access to the outside world but then it occurred to me that all that information she provided could have been gleened while Henry/Ben was in custody or while Jack was under sedation.
– Anybody else think the way Jack slammed Juliet against the table and then held the taser to her throat was kinda hot? I’m not some kind of freak; If Hurley had done it, not hot. But from the good doctor, kinda hot.
– Speaking of Hurley, I did miss him, Locke and Sayid (not so much anybody else). I’m looking forward to next week’s episode to find out what happened with Locke, Eko and Desmond in the hatch and to find out what sort of plans the rest of the Losties have for rescuing their friends. I wonder how long we’ll have to wait to learn the fate of Michael and Walt and to find out what exactly those two guys on the Arctic boat discovered…?
Orphans Are The New Gucci Bag
I just read this in the news:
Madonna arrived in Malawi on Wednesday on a mission to help AIDS orphans “and may leave with a child adopted in this impoverished southern African country.
Apparently the hip new accessory for celebrities is adopted children from third world countries. I can see the t-shirt now: “My mom went to Malawi and all I got was this lousy sister.”
Step Away From The Computer
This is bad. It sounded like it was raining outside so how did I find out for sure? I checked the weather online. That’s right- rather than stand up and look out my window, I turned to weather.com to tell me what the conditions were five feet away from me (and of course it said nothing about rain even though it clearly had rained).
It’s only a matter of time before I start viewing pictures of myself online rather than looking in a mirror.
