Killing Baddies
I followed up my 9/11 memorial in typical American fashion: by shootin’ up a bunch of foreigners. I did so Delta Force style.
Today’s adventure games are so realistic, it’s almost like you’re really there. They even have locals who throw rocks at you and yell, “Leave us alone.” I don’t like people throwing rocks at me even in a game and have been known to bitch slap some of them with my rifle. And if they were also cackling in one of those really annoying languages, I can’t say for sure I wouldn’t do worse to them.
The details really are incredible. You can even add plugins to increase the gore factor (which of course I did). We’ve come a long way since Pong.
Having completed all the campaigns on my latest Delta Force Black Hawk Down mission, I feel like I now have some knowledge to share with people should they be in real combat situations. The first thing I’d like to explain is the concept of “friendly fire.” From what I’ve seen, friendly fire usually occurs when some dumbshit teammate decides to run directly in front of my line of fire. When bullets are whizzing by, take a moment to find out where they’re coming from. Friendly fire also frequently occurs simply because a solider with the maturity of a six-year-old doesn’t like your attitude or the way you sometimes get stuck running into walls and thinks it’s funny to blow your head off at close range (I can’t help but giggle every time I do it).
If you’re in a war zone or any situation that requires you to be holding a gun, stay alert. When gun shots are fired, look around and take cover if necessary. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve killed 20 guys only to walk around the corner to find another one facing the wall kicking his shoes in the dirt. Two seconds later as he’s lying next to his innards, maybe he’s thinking, “I guess that smoke break could have waited.” On a similar note, if you happen to see that pile of 20 guys right in front of you, you might want to think twice before turning that corner ahead.
When shots are being fired directly at you, MOVE. And I mean move somewhere else. A lot of guys think that’s the time to show off their Lord of the Dance moves, which allows me to pop off the 20 bullets necessary to finally hit them.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that my opponent will often cease firing at me when I have to reload my weapon. Maybe this is some courtesy of war I’m not familiar with but I do appreciate it. If you’re in real battle, just hope you’re up against someone who’s well-versed in wartime etiquette.
Should any of my readers be heading off to Iraq or Afghanistan and want additional combat tips, please don’t hesitate to ask.
9/11
(Long post. Not funny. Just felt like writing it. I’ll return to my regularly scheduled snarkiness shortly).
Last week marked the fifth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Why didn’t I discuss this on the anniversary? Because I don’t believe the memory of such an important event in US- no world- history should be relegated to just one day (that, and I was out of town and didn’t get around to writing it then like I’d planned).
Like most people, I now mention 9/11 so casually that two or three times a year I go into memorial mode and seriously ponder the day’s events. I have to shake my head and ask, “Did all that really happen???” (kind of the same way I sometimes ask, “Did we really elect The Terminator to be governor???”). Typically I watch the same old videos I’ve seen before: the planes flying, the towers coming down, the jumpers. Of all the horrors of 9/11, it’s the jumpers that get me the most. I wonder about how many of them came to work in the best of moods because they’d just received a promotion or just gotten engaged or just found out they have a baby on the way. In a matter of minutes they had to make the decision to say goodbye to all of that because they weren’t granted the luxury of an instant demise. Actually, they probably really didn’t even get to make a choice since flames were probably licking at their locks for it to come to that. I suppose even worse off were the ones who had it ingrained in their heads that if they jumped they’d go to hell and had to face the horrific alternative instead. I try to imagine myself in that situation and it truly blows my mind.
For last week’s rememberance I had expected to spend an hour, maybe two, perusing videos on the web but I stumbled upon one fascinating new angle of coverage after another and ended up spending a good part of several days watching, listening and reading about 9/11. I’d like to share some of what I found:
9/11: This documentary aired on CBS (I think it’s still available online through Innertube) and got a bit of media attention because, surprise surprise, The American Family Association complained about the language in the film and several affiliates refused to air it during prime time. I don’t blame the affiliates for moving the film because they faced the possibility of stiff fines from the FCC if they didn’t. I just find it disgusting that we’ve allowed the FCC to get to the point of repression that raw emotions from the most important day in history have to be censored.
This documentary was originally intended to follow around a newbie on the fire department and ended up containing the only footage of the first plane hitting the north tower as well as actual scenes from inside the tower. Riveting stuff. Once again, I found it fascinating that these firemen, standing cool and collected in the tower lobby, would all flinch every time they heard the frequent and unmistakeable sound of another jumper hitting an object. Definitely worth watching.
The Howard Stern Show from 9/11: This was great listening for remembering how many of us felt on that day and for recalling the mass confusion surrounding the events and the misinformation that was frequently disseminated. It starts with Howard mentioning a fire in the World Trade Center but the conversation quickly returns to the usual topic of hot chicks. When word arrives that it was apparently a plane that hit the tower, they turn on the tv news and watch the events live- from the second plane hitting the tower to the towers crumbling.
It was interesting to see how many of their uninformed guesses were correct (that it was done by Osama Bin Laden) and how many were way off (that at least 50,000 would die). And it reminded me of all the wildly incorrect information the “legitimate” news organizations provided (that there was an explosion at the nation’s Capitol, that at least one plane was sitting on a tarmac with a bomb on it). And it was comforting to listen to their sincere emotions so similar to the ones I had, which were a far cry from the robot-like anchors I’d watched on 9/11. There was the shock from the whole situation, the anger (Stern wanted to go out and nuke all our enemies) and there were even a few chuckles. It’s the only coverage I know of that captures how the average person felt as the events of the day unfolded.
9/11: The Falling Man: This documentary revolves around the picture to the left of the jumper dubbed “The Falling Man.” While the television stations chose to self-censor themselves and not show footage of the jumpers, many newspapers published this photo and met harsh criticism from the public for it. It’s as if the general public wants its tragedies wrapped in a pretty bow. I understand that some people can’t handle seeing death but I hate the way the media kowtows to these people rather than provide us with complete footage. Hearing that some 200 people jumped from 100 story buildings doesn’t have the same reality as seeing it. Just as hearing about a quarter million people dying from a tsunami isn’t the same as seeing a picture of hundreds of bodies floating face down. We don’t care about genocides in third world countries like Darfur because we don’t see what’s really happening there. I just think the news should show us the full story. They can preface certain images or content with a warning but they should provide it somehow.
Anyway, the film discusses jumpers in general and features interviews with several people whose loved ones apparently went that route but it primarily focuses on two journalists’ search to determine who the man in this particular picture is. It’s certainly an interesting angle to the 9/11 story.
911 call: This split-screen depiction of Kevin Cosgrove’s call to 911 just before his tower collapsed features a transcription on one side and synchronized video of the towers on the other. I believe this is the only unedited 911 call that’s publically available. The last 10 seconds are haunting. Video
World Trade Center: Rise and Fall of an American Icon: This documentary was less about 9/11 and more about the history of the World Trade Center. I didn’t realize how quickly the towers were built (in about five years) and that they were only 27 years old.
Various stuff on Building 7: Building 7 was the 47-story high rise that mysteriously came down about seven hours after the twin towers. There’s a lot of speculation on why this building fell since it was not hit by a plane. There’s video of the building’s owner saying he gave the order to have it “pulled” but many experts agree that a controlled implosion of that magnitude could not have been set up in that time frame, arousing suspicion that it had been arranged ahead of time. I tend to stay away from conspiracy theories because the people who propagate them are usually whack jobs but I have to admit, some of the information I read/watched on Building 7 certainly got me wondering. Whether or not any of the theories are correct, there are lots of unanswered questions.
Finally, since I’ve never documented my own insignificant experience on 9/11, I think I’ll do so now:
Nobody who knows me calls me in the morning. At least, not if they want to continue knowing me. So when my phone rang several times that morning, I figured I’d better check the messages.
The first voice I heard was my friend Doug who simply said, “Wake up and turn on the news girlie- the world’s coming to an end.” Click. Doug’s a comic capable of all kinds of stunts so I immediately wondered, “What the hell did he do that landed him on the news??”
The next message was from my friend Courtney who said, “I’ve been watching the news and I just can’t believe this. Call me.” I still had the notion that Doug had done something but I knew he wouldn’t call Courtney to tell her and I wondered what he had done that the news had already spread to her so early in the morning.
The last one was from my sister who said, “This is just horrible. A good friend of (her husband) works in one of the towers. I just can’t believe this.” Now I knew it wasn’t Doug.
It was just one cryptic message after another. I finally turned on the tv to see a four-way split screen of the various devastations and the chyron said, “America Under Attack.” Still too groggy to think rationally, I thought some nation was bombing the shit out of every major city in America. Without even waiting for the details, I called my parents and said, “Well, it looks like they’re bombing all over the place and LA’s probably next so, nice knowing you.” From there I got the basic details from my dad.
For the rest of the day (and for the next week afterward), I had the news on constantly. Looking for a bit of normalcy, I checked in with the standup comedy newsgroup I used to contribute to regularly. The discussions were quite serious, as expected, and in a couple, I made some jokes (rather clever ones, if I do say so myself). In intense situations, that’s what I do rather than deal with real emotions. It’s a result of nervousness and not really an attempt to make others laugh. I was completely blasted by the newsgroup. Let me tell you, when other comics tell you your words are offensive, that’s when you know you’ve crossed the line. I don’t apologize for those comments, after all, these same people were making similar cracks a week later. But it did teach me that while humor brings me comfort in times of stress, others don’t appreciate it and it’s best for me avoid those who might be more sensitive (a lesson I somehow never learned when I was working in an English pub when Princess Diana died. Oh, the lads loved me that night).
Needing to escape a little, I went to my 7-11 to find the cashier who had always worn an orange turban on his head now had it somewhat covered up with a baseball cap. I had heard the news that American Muslims were being attacked and I felt awful for him. I drove by the only mosque I know of- I guess thinking that as a whitey maybe I could help out in some way but all was quiet. (It may be hard to believe, but as much as I despise religion, I’m a fervent supporter of people’s right to practice whatever religion they want in peace).
Still wanting to help in some way, when the plea for blood donors came out, I called the blood bank only to be told my AB negative blood was useless to them.
Here’s where my day got really lame. A couple days before, I signed up to take advantage of a week of free live feeds for the CBS show Big Brother (yes, very dorky but they had a challenge that lasted beyond the live telecast and I wanted to see who won). I decided to turn on the feeds to see what was happening with the three remaining houseguests given the day’s events. I was shocked that six hours after the fact, they still hadn’t been told! They knew something was up because their house is located near Burbank airport and there hadn’t been any planes in several hours. But otherwise, it was like watching the last three remaining people in America whose lives had yet to be forever altered. I actually shot off an email to CBS stating that they had to tell them what happened (I told you- I was feeling helpless and this was a small stupid way to make a difference somehow). Shortly thereafter, the houseguests were told about the attacks. One of the women had a cousin who worked in one of the towers and it was later discovered she died there.
Their response after hearing the news was kind of like, “Wow. That’s awful.” But it was in a very detached way, which further proves my point about how much the visual has an impact (I actually found video of them being told and their reactions on youtube).
The next few days were sort of a haze for me then I had a week of comedy shows on the road. Somewhat surprisingly, the club was pretty full every night. People wanted to laugh. It reminded me of when I’ve performed for troops overseas and after the shows, they’re not just happy, they’re grateful. It was the same sort of response the week after 9/11. Even though I primarily do standup for my own self-serving purposes, it was a great feeling to know that for 30 minutes a night, I was able to take people’s minds off this terrible tragedy and make them laugh instead. Finally, in some tiny way, I was able to help.
No Wedding Pitt
In the October issue of Esquire magazine, Brad Pitt reveals:
Angie and I will consider tying the knot when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able.
I think that’s an admirable stand to take and I, too, will not marry until everyone else is allowed (unless some guy asks me to marry him before that happens). While I hope he’s sincere in his sentiment, I foresee a trickle-down effect to guys with cold feet everywhere. It used to be, “Sorry babe, you know I want to be secure professionally and financially before we walk down the aisle. Please be patient.”
But now it’s going to be, “Sorry babe, I’d marry you today if I could but it just wouldn’t be right since Dan and Ted can’t. Tell that to your Republican parents the next time they nag you about it.”
(Which reminds me… happy belated one year anniversary to Mr. Delay Master himself).
Debutante Under the Influence
Earlier this morning, Paris Hilton had the cuffs slapped on her (and they weren’t the furry ones she’s become accustomed to during her “home video” sessions). Any cop who pulls over someone like Paris Hilton for investigation of drunk driving has to be thinking it’s his lucky day. He’s like a broke man at a craps table: “Come on .08%!”
Given all the trouble she’s escaped in the past, I hope the arresting officer marched her into the precinct like the prized pig at the county fair: “Your Mel Gibson entry put on a mighty nice show with his anti-Semitic hootin’ and hollerin’ but lookie here at the purdy one I got…”
To which Hilton would surely reply, “Don’t compare me to Mel Gibson. I would never make anti-Semitic comments. Unless they were toward a dirty Jew.”
(UPDATE #1: Now she’s saying she was starving and really wanted an In-N-Out burger. I bet the folks at Carls Jr.- which has a store only one block away- LOVED that.
UPDATE #2: I think the biggest crime of the night was committed by her sister Nicky, who arrived at the police station wearing a black dress with white pumps. Eek! video).
The Croc Hunter Croaked
Unless you’ve had your head up a Wallaby’s ass, you’ve already heard the news of the Croc Hunter’s demise. When word of Steve Irwin’s death hit Australian Prime Minister John Howard, he interrupted parliament to pay tribute:
“We mourn his loss, we’re devastated by the tragic circumstances in which he has been taken from us and we send our love and prayers to his grieving family,” he said.
Can the circumstances of his death really be deemed “tragic?” This wasn’t some kid on summer vacation who was frolicking in the ocean and got attacked out of nowhere by a stingray. This was a man who made a living pissing off deadly animals. I don’t think it’s tragic; I think it’s just. People get killed all the time by wild animals. Why not him? His nickname wasn’t “Crocodile Observer,” it was “Crocodile Hunter.”
I know I sound callous (so what else is new?) but you have to understand: for two years I had to listen to every hack comic in the country do their impression of the Croc Hunter. And I assure you the pain from that was a lot more excruciating than from a lousy stingray.
