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DSL Hell

My path of electrical destruction widens: A halogen lamp- whose bulb I just replaced last week- burned out. I have to be stopped before people get hurt- but how? I presume I'm suffering from a severe case of Lost withdrawal and my body thinks it's absorbed the electromagnetic energy of the island, which is causing my bionic circuitry to go haywire. Or maybe I'm just having a crappy summer. I dunno. Over the last couple days I've spent about an hour and a half navigating the worst phone tree known to man over at AT&T and speaking with incompetent technicians who spend half an hour walking me through various steps that don't work until I say, "I told you right off the ...

I (Haven’t) Got The Power

Recently, the power source on my laptop conked out leaving it inoperable and forcing me to use my desktop computer with a lousy monitor. Then Tuesday night the power went out just on my block. Wednesday morning it was still out so I decided to pay a visit to my parents and score a nice extra monitor Mom happened to have. On the drive over, I tried to charge my cell phone with my car's cigarette lighter. Suddenly, the lighter no longer works. I charged my phone at my parents' house and after I did, my phone kept cycling on and off for no apparent reason. I returned home late afternoon to find the power still off so I took ...

I Shall Name The Fetus Veto Cordleonlygoinginthetrash

As a big "fuck you, you stupid ignorant fool" to Bush for his stem cell bill veto, I've decided to get pregnant and have an abortion. If anybody knows how I can contact George Clooney for assistance in this important political endeavor, please let me know. Also, if you haven't already seen video of Bush at the G8 summit dinner, it's below. I have absolutely no problem with our president cursing in front of other world leaders- in fact I like it. But you have to wonder about the sort of people Bush has surrounded himself by that apparently nobody has ever had the guts to say to him, "Dude, close your mouth when you eat. You look like a damn ...

Availability is Relative

My friend sent me this article and said it's from Australia. I don't know if it actually happened, but it would be awesome if it did: Round Like a Shot Going to bed the other night I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up. A minute later I rang again. "Hello," I said. "I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now because I've shot them." Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars ...

Take My Damn Picture

Last night I went to a friend's birthday party. A few close friends were there but most of the comics were three minute jobs: they ask me how it's going, I say "all right" and ask them the same, they then spend 2:50 telling me everything going on in their career and personal life and I point to an imaginary friend and say, "Nice talking with you but I have to go talk to that spot on the wall immediately." Not quite- I give the spot a name so as not to give away my desire to escape. After about an hour of greeting people I haven't seen in a long time, I realized I wasn't being groped in the manner ...

From The Blog To The Stage

Last week for the first time, I tried converting bits from my blog into my standup act and some are actually keepers. So thanks to all you readers for keeping me writing regularly. I taped some sets and put a few bits online. Here's one you may recall from a recent post about 7-11. I guess you could call it "live-action blogging": If you care to see any others, you can view them on MySpace.com. I'll probably be adding more soon. [tags]video, videos, standup, standup comedy video, 7-11, humor, funny[/tags]

In Dependents Hell

This week I got a taste of my personal hell: A Fourth of July pool party with no less than 30 kids, most of them under age six. If ever an occasion required alcohol, this was it but unfortunately I had to drive later and suffered through the party sober. I didn't even go in the pool, mostly because I have a toilet at home I could splash around in if that's what I desired. I also came to the realization that the only bikini I had with me shows a bit more boobage than is appropriate for family gatherings. I learned this lesson the day before at another pool party (only six kids) where one kid kept copping feels. ...

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