I'm out of town right now with a dial-up connection that makes me want to kill myself. How did I ever cope before DSL? Since I can't bear to deal with this anymore, I'm not going to be posting for awhile. Instead, I'll direct you to my secret blog... Last fall, it sort of hit me that my "go out and meet dudes" friends had long-ago moved away (or gone into rehab) and great eligible bachelors were not going to magically appear in my apartment so I decided to give Match.com a try. It was actually my second attempt on Match, having tried it for a month several years ago. I picked a really bad time to join- just before ...

Five a.m. rolled around and one of the guys asked, "You wanna paint a bomb?" I had absolutely no idea what that meant so I quickly said, "YEAH!"

Well the first photo from Bessie and Billy Bob's Tennessee wedding night is in and I have to share. Because I'm 12. For immature eyes only!

My bad. I forgot that there are some people who read and/or comment on my blog in a second language. And it's not fair to hold them to the same "duh" standards as those whose native language is English. Just as I offered "duh immunity" to anybody who prefaced their comment with "***Drunk Comment***" I'll offer the same to those who may not be 100% proficient in English. Just add something like "***Spanish Comment***" or "***French Comment***" or "***Arkansan Comment***" and I'll cut you some slack. I'll get this "duh" thing right at some point.

Those of you who have read my blog for awhile may remember the "duh" threat I issued ("Calling Out Idiots") in regard to comments. Up to this point, I've never had to use it, which may be because the readers who stuck around get what I'm writing or it may be because most people simply stopped leaving comments out of fear. Well, the time has finally come to leave my first "duh" and it goes out to Marie's response to "A Family That Smokes Together, Stays Together (Until The Kids Rat ‘Em Out)". Since this is the first "duh," I'll explain: In the post, I wrote that I was curious about the fact that the 23-year-old man was ...

This is sick yet kinda funny at the same time: A woman accused of pummeling a dog breeder over the head with a dead Chihuahua has been charged with two misdemeanors and reimbursed the money she paid for the puppy. (Full story) Ya know, when I got a sick kitten that died about week later, I just asked the Humane Society for a new kitten and they gave one to me (the coolest one ever, I might add). But apparently some people choose to skip the "ask nicely" approach and go straight for the "dead puppy pummeling" approach. [tags]chihuahua, dead puppy, Lisa Lynn Hopfer, humane society[/tags]

Tonight I went to the supermarket (others may refer to it as "7-11") and noticed that the soda machine has instructions on it. Let me be more specific: It instructs people how to pour a Coke. Not only that, it's divided into FOUR steps (grab cup, add ice, add soda, place cover on top). My car's manual for changing a tire has four steps. I believe the instructions for detonating a nuclear bomb has three (open cover, push button, shit your pants). I can't help but wonder what made someone decide this was necessary. Maybe the people at 7-11 noticed a lot of customers standing in front of the machine crying "THIRSTY...SOOOO THIRSTY" and banging all the buttons. Then when the ...

Finally, an answer to the age-old question, "which came first- the good behavior or the joint?" A mother and father accused of providing their preteen sons with marijuana as a reward for good behavior have been arrested by Chandler police. Toni Lynn Carlson, 31, and Aaron Virgil Carlson, 23, were booked on suspicion of possessing marijuana and drug paraphernalia, possessing marijuana for sale, contributing to the delinquency of minors and endangerment. They were taken into custody Thursday evening after detectives served a search warrant at the Carlsons’ home in the 400 block of West Aloe Place. A court document states a quarter-pound of marijuana was found in the home. Police said the boys, ages 12 and 11, and a 4-year-old girl, are in the ...

My sister sent me the following pictures with the caption "Tennessee Wedding." While I don't have definitive proof that the wedding took place in Tennessee, I think the evidence speaks for itself: “Brad and Angelina's kid won't have anything on our offspring." (Including that extra chromosome).

It's been all over the news: some Taylor University students were in a car accident and the wrong girl was buried. Ok, that's not quite right. That would be an even bigger screw up than what happened if they'd buried the girl who survived. It was the identities of the two girls that were mixed up. Laura Van Ryn and Whitney Cerak bore a strong resemblance and obviously both suffered major injuries to the face. One died, one lived. Believing the dead girl was Whitney, Whitney's family buried the body. Meanwhile, the girl they thought was Laura was actually Whitney and she was alive in a hospital wondering "Who ...

I started getting migraine headaches about a year or two ago and I strongly suspect it's from long hours on the laptop. A few months ago, I finally bought Excedrin's migraine pain reliever. Just the fact that I finally had some medication available seemed to stop the migraines from coming for awhile then I got one this morning. I'm not too big on pills and remedies so before taking any I read the label just to make sure there wouldn't be any severe side effects. I don't need a little erectile dysfunction ruining my day. I found the label quite curious. One section says, "Ask a doctor before use if you have...": A migraine so severe as to require bed rest- Anybody ...

I have to comment on the new season of Last Comic Standing, which premiered Tuesday night. I know a lot of people connected with the show: many of the comics, writers, producers, hosts and have played poker with talent scout Ross Mark for years. The biggest surprise of the new season is that Tony Clark is hosting. Last time around, Tony was one of the celebrity judges for the finals in Vegas along with Drew Carey and Brett Butler and there was a bit of a scandal. When the houseguests were announced, the judges were surprised that one of the best comics didn't get in and one of the worst ones did. They compared notes and discovered the results were ...

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