Most Popular Kid In School
When a teacher asked a 6-year-old boy to pull a folder out of his Scooby-Doo backpack, a bag filled with 25 smaller bags of marijuana fell out instead, a court document said. (Full story)
Seriously? Pot in a Scooby Doo backpack? That’s the punchline to so many hack comics’ jokes.
I can’t help but picture the playground at morning recess: All the kids are just sitting around in little packs. Nicky “No Seeds” Randle shows the others how to make a bong out of an apple. Empty lunch bags are strewn about. The teachers wonder why nobody’s playing and why attendance has been at 100% for the last month.
Ah, to be young and stoned again.
Season Finales
I have been the major slacker blogger lately but with sweeps month ending, I should be a lot better (or not). Before I get to my recaps, I’ll mention that I’ve noticed I seem to have the same reactions each week at the end of most of the shows I watch. They are:
24- “Oh my God!” (often it’s also followed by “I can’t believe they killed…”)
American Idol- “Why do I watch this show?”
The Apprentice- “Moron.”
Lost- “What the hell was that???!!”
CSI- “I gotta stop watching this when I’m eating.”
Survivor- “Morons.”
The Sopranos- (this season) “That sucked.”
Desperate Housewives- “I need to work out.”
Now for the finale recaps:
Lost- I’ll start with the best show on television, Lost. Even though it’s coming back next season (temporarily- seven episodes in the fall then the rest straight through in the winter), I have that same feeling I had after the series finale of Seinfeld. Kind of like, “How will I survive without it???” Honestly, I’d give up every other show if they’d make this two nights a week instead of just one. I’m thrilled they answered some of the major questions (why they crashed, whether entering the numbers is necessary, where Desmond disappeared to, whether the others would learn Michael shot Ana Lucia and Libby and how the map was drawn on the blast door). And of course, I’m stoked they opened up a whole bunch more: Where’s Michael headed and why wouldn’t he be able to return to the island? What’s the deal with Desmond’s girlfriend tracking magnetic activity? As Widmore’s daughter, does she know he’s there? Did Desmond, Locke and Mr. Ecko survive? What’s going to happen to Jack, Kate and Sawyer? Who exactly are the Others? How much weight will Hurley gain on that long walk back? As for the “Lost Experience,” turns out it’s not as easy as following a few clues on television. It takes a team of about 100 scientists to interpret binary codes and crack websites. People are spending a serious amount of time on this. Even though they should probably be working on more important issues like cures for Cancer and global warming, hallelujah to them for devoting their energies to this! (BTW- a great resource for all the clues is http://thelostexperienceclues.blogspot.com)
24- What a closer that was! After three seasons, we finally saw Chloe smile (albeit in a picture) then Jack outright murdered a guy, surely to the cheers of all viewers. He didn’t even do that to Nina when he had the chance and she killed his wife! But Nina’s crimes didn’t compare to Henderson’s; Anybody who kills a guy as gorgeous as Tony Almeida deserves to die a gruesome death…. Did I miss something or did they totally forget about the president’s accomplice with the Bluetooth earpiece? That guy was awesome as Dr. Romano on ER. I was disappointed we didn’t get a little more from him but perhaps he’ll be back… but how? With Jack enjoying a lovely Carnival cruise to China where he’ll be tortured with knives, electric shock waves and the singing and dancing of Kathie Lee Gifford, things aren’t looking good for our favorite saver-of-the-universe. I suspect when we see him next he’ll have been brainwashed by the Chinese government and be working for them. But since he managed to kick his heroin addiction in about two hours, the brainwashing should be a piece of cake to overcome. I just hope Chloe’s transferred to CTU Hong Kong so he can get a little help.
Desperate Housewives- Half the amusement of the episode was picturing Nicollette Sheridan’s face when she received the script for the two hour finale and discovered she wasn’t in it for a second. It’s too bad, actually, as I would have liked to have seen her arrival on Wisteria Lane…. I’d particularly like to thank the writers for the flashback sequences so we could enjoy one more tryst between Gabrielle and young Jesse. He can mow my… hey now… Does a guy who didn’t know he had a kid for 12 years really have to pay back child support? If so, that’s fucked up. If not, Lynette and her hubby are fools. They shouldn’t have given that crack whore a dime.
Grey’s Anatomy- Is Meredith really all that? I mean, she’s got a hot surgeon, a hot vet and an insecure-but-means-well intern all in love with her. I don’t get it. She’s a homely Renee Zellweger ripoff with a Cindy Brady lisp. Ok, that’s catty and I’m sure a lot of people think she’s very pretty. But she’s neurotic and weird too. I know she’s just a character but the writer’s must think she’s something special. I just don’t buy that McDreamy is so enraptured with Meredith over his own stunning wife. Granted, Mrs. McDreamy did cheat on him, but did you see the guy she cheated with? Even Mother Theresa would have tapped that if she had a chance… Where’s the lovin’ for Christina? (Besides what she gets from her incredibly sexy Cardiothorasic surgeon boyfriend). But that’s only one guy. Her character is hilarious and she has the best hair on television. I guess the writers don’t think a smart, funny, independent Asian chick with a bunch of suitors is believable. But they do think having her cry in front of the chief is. Big misstep there. She would never, ever, ever cry in a situation like that… Poor Izzy lost her man but she’s a doctor who’s a former model. She won’t be lonely for long. In fact, she’ll probably be helped out of that prom dress by the second coming of JFK Jr.
Survivor- I thought Cirie was hilarious and once I saw she was really playing the social game, I was rooting for her but I knew she wouldn’t make it to the end. I really liked the hidden immunity idol concept and I’m glad they’re bringing it back next year. Hopefully it will actually be used. Best line of the finale: Right after Aras won the million when Jeff said to him, “Don’t forget to pay your taxes.”
American Idol- I like both Taylor Hicks and Katharine McPhee but I still think Chris Daughtry was robbed! He’s the only contestant who’s ever been on the show who made me feel like I wasn’t a ‘tard for watching it. I think the lack of a catch phrase like “Soul Patrol” and “McPheever” did him in. If he’d only come up with “The Bald Bunch” he might have had a chance. Oh, and my guess for Paula’s blood-alcohold content for the finale: .12%- probably as sober as we’ll ever see her.
The Amazing Race- I think this was the first season when there weren’t any teams in the final three to root against so it was a no-lose situation. I was happy the hippies won though I certainly wouldn’t have minded the frat boys. They cracked me up quite a bit and I loved it when they cancelled the other teams’ taxis (even though it backfired). What can I say? I love funny dirty players.
The Sopranos- I don’t know how many episodes are left until the season’s finale, but they might as well end the show now if this is the best they can do. They had 16 months between seasons and something went terribly wrong in that time. It’s turned into a bunch of 10 second scenes that don’t connect and don’t go anywhere. I know, I know, I should just stop watching it but I’m very loyal. And hopeful. Maybe a bit stupid.
Poker Peeves
Despite how I may come across in writing, I’m actually a very even-tempered person. The only times I yell are when I’m driving and when I’m playing online poker. My neighbors must think I’m in an abusive lesbian relationship due to my frequent shouts of, “YOU STUPID BITCH! HOW COULD YOU MAKE THAT CALL??!!” I do, however, show remarkable restraint in live games.
Playing poker creates a bit of conflict for me. On the one hand, stupid players are the reason I can make money at it. On the other hand, stupidity in any form bugs the crap out of me and I want an explanation for it. For the most part, I keep the chat function turned off but occasionally I turn it on and have been known to shoot off a snide comment here and there when someone’s ridiculous play gets lucky. It’s not that I’m a poor loser. Well, it’s partly that I’m a poor loser, but I’m also curious what possessed someone to make that play. Are they new? Did a mouse mistake work to their advantage? I want to know what made them think their 7/2 offsuit was worth all their chips. Unfortunately, explanations are hard to come by and I usually just get taunts which puts me somewhat on tilt and screws up my game. I hate lucky fools. Man how I wish I was one.
Besides those lucky bitches, some things that people often write that irk me:
“Good luck.”: If they really want me to have good luck, they should just fold and hand me their chips. Nobody wants their opponent to have good luck in a competition. They think saying this makes them look like a good sport but it only makes them sound like a phony.
“Nice hand.”: People rarely compliment you for the way you played a hand but they often compliment you on the cards you’re holding. Am I supposed to say “thanks” when all I did was sit in the right seat to get those cards? The fact is, monster hands may look nice but they don’t always pay well. I’d rather win a big pot with a nine high bluff than grab a couple blinds with quad aces.
“___ dude” or “___ man”: When someone says this to me, I usually respond with “___ lady” or “___ ma’am” and they always get all riled up about it. They say, “Why are you being a jerk?” and I say, “How am I being a jerk?” and they say, “By calling me a lady” (because apparently it’s extremely insulting to have someone think you’re a woman). So I tell them, “You started it by calling me man” and they say, “You’re a woman??” It’s as if they never considered that women play poker or they expect that we’ll have screen names like “ShoprGrl” or “ChickPlaya.”
“Poop” or “I’m going to poop on you”: Ok, I’ve only seen this once. And it was my friend who wrote it… over and over. I just hate it because it kept making me giggle. I really need to grow up.
And now my bad beat story from last night that I’m still steaming about: It was a Texas Hold ‘Em tournament and we were down to heads up. I had pocket 9′s and raised preflop about three times the big blind. He called. The flop was 6-8-9 with two hearts. So I flopped an extremely strong hand heads up but I couldn’t slow play it because of the flush and straight draws so I bet about the size of the pot. He raised. So I raised to put him all in, figuring if he was on a draw, he’d have to pay to catch it. He called… with 8-Q offsuit. Now, I could understand him putting in a raise to see if I was bluffing. But at the point I raised to put him all in, he should have assumed I had AT LEAST top pair, but given my preflop raise, he should have considered I had an overpair. It was a horrible, horrible call but I was pretty happy about it. The turn came Q. This gave me pause for concern because I do have such bad luck but with only two outs for him, it was looking good for me. Naturally the river was one of the two remaining queens. Unfuckingbelievable. It’s the story of my life: People do something incredibly stupid and I get screwed.
Lost Experience #3
How does Lost do it each week? Every time the show answers a few questions, it opens up even more. I love it. I’m very intrigued by Miss Klugh (Clue?)’s question whether or not Walt has appeared in unexpected places. And Sawyer’s really taken over Hurley’s role as comic relief. Between his neverending nicknames (this week I only caught “Captain Arab” for Sayid) and his referring to sex with Ana Lucia as being “caught in a net” (does he think Jack and Kate had sex too?), he’s just as easy on the ears as on the eyes.
Well this week’s “Lost Experience” clue was letyourcompassguideyou.com/. I went to the site, which features a compass you can move with your mouse. After spinning it like a jackass for 10 minutes, I discovered a link in the lower right corner and, when I clicked it, an image flashed on the screen quickly. I clicked on it, which opened another screen. That screen contains some text then asks, “Are you one of the good ones [Y/N]?” I inserted “Y” and the screen swirled and closed. I have no idea what it means but I did get screen caps, which are linked below. I also returned to thehansofoundation.org and saw there’s a new press release regarding “Bad Twin” and there’s a link on Alvar Hanso’s page with some more info. from Persephone, commenting that Alvar Hanso hasn’t been seen in public since 2002.
I haven’t pieced it all together and could probably just go to one of the thousands of sites where people already have, but it’s kind of fun finding this stuff on my own (and then ruining it for any visitors who also want to do it on their own). I think what we’ll learn from the “Lost Experience” at the end of the summer is that we’re all guinea pigs, clicking websites (all of which seem to contain some actual product promotions, like Sprite’s connection to the subLYMONal.com ad- lymon= limon) and watching commercials we’d normally skip to find more clues. And I’m as big a sucker as anybody.
See also:
Transcript of first week’s hidden letter
Image/info from second week’s clue
Jack Bauer’s Plan
I’m not usually big on song parodies but I think anybody who’s a fan of the show 24 will get a kick out of this season’s summary to the tune of John Mellencamp’s “Jack and Diane.”
Shop ‘Til You Drop…A Brick On Someone’s Head
Some shopping encounters over the last few weeks:
I was purchasing alcohol in a store and the cashier asked me, “How old are you?”
I said, “21.”
With a surprised look he responded, “Really? No you’re not.”
I asked, “Do you think I’m younger?”
He said, “No, older.”
I replied, “Then why are you asking me my age? Just sell me the booze.”
While exiting 7-11, I waited a few extra seconds to hold the door for a guy who was entering. Not only didn’t he thank me, he didn’t even acknowledge my existence in any way, as if I was the official 7-11 doorman and I might expect a tip if he looked at me.
Standing in line at a store, a guy said to me, “You’re freakishly tall.” I’m 5’10″, which is tall but it’s a good inch or two from “freakishly” tall. Then again, he’s hovering around that questionable mark for riding Space Mountain, so to him I probably do seem freakishly tall. But I can’t figure out why a guy so short would even make that comment. It’s like he was looking for a fight. I should have patted him on the head and said, “Don’t worry, you’ll probably sprout up once you hit puberty.”
I’m starting to understand the appeal of QVC.
R.I.P. Arrested Development
I just read that yesterday NBC picked up a new comedy starring Jeffrey Tambor for the fall season. I think that officially puts the nail in the coffin for my beloved Arrested Development- a show that probably only needed one more season to surpass Seinfeld as the funniest sitcom ever. Sniff. First Chris Daughtry, now Arrested Development. What is wrong with America????
(Okay, so I never called to vote for Chris. But I’m not 15 so I’m not supposed to. If I knew any 15-year-olds I would have encouraged them to ditch their homework and call for him all night long).
Maybe He Wanted A Blow Career
Last night I had plans to meet a friend. I’m always early for any meeting after dark so I had to wait around a bit. I bought a drink and took a seat at a table by myself. Soon after, a fortysomething New York Jewish guy strolled up and sat in the other seat. Why do guys assume a woman sitting alone wants company? I certainly didn’t give any indication of boredom as I was happily watching the last episode of The Sopranos on my phone. He didn’t even ask if he could sit there, he just plopped himself down. Granted, if he had asked, I would have said “ok” but it would have been in such a way that even the most oblivious moron could tell it was stricly out of polite reluctance (or maybe reluctant politeness).
I noticed he wore a wedding band. Not that I was interested, but it told me he’s either Sleazy Cheater Guy or Waste My Time Guy. But I held out hope he was that golden bar creature: Rich Drink Buyer Who Doesn’t Even Make A Pass Guy. So I let him stay.
He then asked me what I do- a question I always dread. Comic and poker player aren’t the kinds of jobs that people just gloss over and move on to a new topic. Both careers invite conversation- something I wasn’t looking for- but I haven’t yet mastered the ability to reply, “I’m an accountant.” Since disclosure of being a comic often entails hearing a horribly unfunny story that the teller insists, “You should use in your act,” I usually go with poker player.
Upon hearing this, the guy surmised I play poker just so I can win at strip poker. He was serious. So I told him that I don’t need to play strip poker; If I want to see a guy naked, all I have to do is ask. He argued that a guy would only abide if he thought he was going to get some sex. I explained that if a woman tells a guy to take his clothes off, he assumes he’s going to get sex. How does a guy reach his age without knowing how it works between men and women? (I’ll add that up to this point, I was giving him half-assed answers while barely glancing up from my tv show- some people really don’t know how to take a hint).
Then for some reason completely unknown to me, the guy asked how much I earned last year!!! Who asks somebody that?? I wouldn’t even ask a spouse that, probably only learning the information when we filed our first joint tax return. When I declined to answer, he made a facial expression that suggested I was being ridiculous for not divulging the sum.
Next the guy told me that poker isn’t a career for me, it’s just a job. He insisted that I don’t have a plan for it (now he thinks he’s psychic). He explained that to consider it a career, I’d be working different angles, like writing books on it, giving speeches, etc. It was the same crap I dealt with for years as a comic, people saying, “To be a successful comic, you have to be an actor or writer or producer.” Nobody seemed to understand I just liked being a comic. I tried to explain to the guy that I do have a plan but he just shook his head. I made a couple more unsuccessful attempts to get a few words out but he kept interrupting me and saying, “Nope, it’s a job, not a career.” Finally I said, “Forget this. You’re annoying.” And I walked away.
The whole conversation lasted only about 10 minutes and as I walked away, I considered the possibility that the entire situation was a prank my friend played on me. Nope- the guy was for real and I realized he was probably Wife Left Him Because He Bugged The Shit Out Of Her Guy.
Lost Experience #2
For those playing along with the “Lost Experience,” tonight’s clue said to go to sublymonal.com. I clicked on each of the glowing boxes until I received the code, “Heir Apparent.” I went back to thehansofoundation.org and entered the code into a space on Thomas Mittlewerk’s page. The following image appeared:
(Click for larger image)
I still don’t know what it all means. I like this scavenger hunt they’ve set up but they’re going to have to make it a little more exciting to tide me over in the summer months without Lost.
See also:
Transcript of first week’s hidden letter
Music Swap
This clip from TVgasm demonstrates how a tv scene’s mood changes when another show’s theme music is applied, such as 24‘s Jack Bauer working to The Golden Girls theme song. I got a kick out of it.
Half-Tops Aren’t For Everybody
I just stumbled upon these photos I took outside the Roxy last week on a night out with my brother and visiting brother-in-law. I won’t comment, I’ll just share. And I won’t feel bad about it because apparently she wants everybody to see it.
(click for even larger gut. I mean image)
Wipe ‘N Wash
On last night’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy, the characters made a big deal about a woman who didn’t wash her hands after peeing. I must confess- I don’t always wash my hands after using the toilet either.
Any of you who just scrunched up your noses and said, “Ewww!” I have to ask: what the hell are you touching in there that makes it so gross? When I use the toilet, the only thing my hands touch is a wad of tissue paper that is cleaner than most of the other items I touch throughout the day. That’s not to say I go around touching dirty items all day, just that we all touch various paper products- like money that’s probably been intimate with a stripper’s snatch- and nobody seems to get grossed out that people don’t immediately wash their hands after touching that.
If the hand washing is a big issue for you, then I have to assume you’re not wiping right and here I have some suggestions that can help you improve in this area:
1. Use more toilet paper, for shitssake. I’ve heard some people say that they use a countable number of squares to wipe, like seven or eight. Remember Elaine’s TP shortage on Seinfeld? “I don’t have a square to spare,” guest Jamie Gertz told her from the next stall. What good would one lousy square have done anyway? Some claim they limit their TP usage to save the environment. Thanks to the Internet, I’ve stopped buying daily newspapers, I don’t mail letters or checks and I’ve cut my paper usage in other areas drastically. There are plenty of other ways to save paper that won’t leave urine on your hand. SO USE LOTS OF TOILET PAPER.
2. Change the way you wipe. I don’t remember how the topic came about, but several years ago at a party, I posed the question: do you bunch or fold your toilet paper? Half the party got involved in the discussion and people were pretty evenly divided. Most of the guests were lawyers and I must say, parties with lawyers, not so fun. Parties with lawyers debating the best way to wipe, highly entertaining. One guy even had to go through the motions of number two to figure out whether he’s a buncher or folder. Anyway, I’m a buncher and folding sounded like a really bad idea. But I’m open to trying things differently so I pledged to fold for the next week and I quickly determined it must be the folders who are particularly, um, anal about hand washing. I found I had to use about twice as much TP and even then, seepage was a, um, crap shoot. Not only that, I have fairly long fingernails, which makes for an uncomfortable wipe with the fold technique. I only lasted for about two days before I had to return to bunching. I suggest everybody try the opposite technique a few times then ask your friends to find out if they’re filthy folders or bone-dry bunchers.
I know washing hands only takes a few seconds and I’m certainly not trying to discourage anybody from doing it. But I’m inclined to be a bit more wary about those who do think hand washing is a necessity than those who don’t.
(BTW- Anybody who watched last night’s episode, did you buy the girl’s excuse that she washed her hands in the kitchen sink afterward? Puhleeze. She walked into a bathroom in just underwear and peed in front of two other women. I can’t imagine why she’d suddenly feel self-conscious about washing her hands in front of them).
Wanted: Heathens To Pick Up Poop
Thanks to bobgirrl’s trackback, I found this site: JesusPets. Like her, I originally questioned if it was legit but after reading a few of the posts, I see it’s not. And it’s hilarious.
A little sampler for you:
If you’re a Christian, you’ve got a big problem on your hands. After you’re swept away to walk the streets of gold with Jesus, red hot lava is going to pour from Mt. St. Helens and right over your dog, leaving his burned body encased for millennia until discovered by godless alien archeologists. And what do you suppose they’ll do to his charred yet supple and hermetically sealed haunches? They are godless after all. (What would you do? That long space voyage sure can be lonely.)
JesusPets has the solution. For a modest fee you can live for eternity relatively guilt-free knowing a JesusPets animal lover took care of your dog for the rest of his or her natural life.
