Bad time to get lonely on a business trip- that hooker has a dick. And a badge. Go directly to jail.

I have a great new promotional idea for American Idol. It's called "Guess Paula's Blood-Alcohol Level." Each week, viewers would call or text their guess and all who are correct would be entered into a drawing to win a year's supply of Jim Beam and Coke- just like Paula drinks on the show (keep in mind, this would be a normal drinker's year supply and not a Paula Abdul year's supply). My guess for last night's show: .16%. ***** When did The Apprentice turn into "bring your kids to work day?" It was bad enough when Trump brought in season one winner Bill Rancic to substitute for George and give his "expert" business advice to the candidates. Then a couple weeks ...

I think the Bluetooth is a great little gadget and if I made more than five phone calls a month I'd probably get one myself. But there comes a time to take the Bluetooth off and I'm taking a public stand: I hereby refuse to talk to anybody wearing one in a social situation. That's right, the next time I'm at a party or a club and someone sporting cockroach ear tries to engage me in coversation, I'll inform them of my position and walk away. I think the only exception would be if I had a heart attack and someone needed their hands free while they received CPR instructions over the phone. Then I'd answer their questions. But ...

An Oregon man who went to a hospital complaining of a headache was found to have 12 nails embedded in his skull from a suicide attempt with a nail gun, doctors say. (Full story) Twelve nails to the noggin' and this guy complains of a headache. Makes me wonder how long it took for the doctor to discover the real problem: Doctor: So, what brings you here today? Nailboy: I've got a headache I can't quite shake. Doctor: Would you describe it as throbbing or pounding? Nailboy: More like piercing. Doctor: Do you get these headaches often? Nailboy: No, this is the first time. Doctor: Have you been under any stress at work? Nailboy: Nope. Doctor: Home? Nailboy: Nope. Doctor: Any major bumps to the head? Nailboy: Nope. Doctor: I think I've covered ...

I got my first "tag" from Kristi at A Beautiful Mess. The way I recall the game of tag as a kid was a boy would touch me and say, "You're it" then I'd turn around, kick him in the balls and say, "You're it." (I always blamed my bad early luck with boys on my height and freckles but maybe the long-term testicular damage I caused had something to do with it). No balls to kick in this tag, I'm just supposed to list six weird things about myself. I think the weirdest thing is that I had a hard time coming up with this list. Gotta love denial. 1. I like ranch dressing on just about everything but ...

Tonight I went to the store to pick up my contribution for the family Easter dinnerr- rolls. I figured things out a long time ago: You show people you're a good cook and then they want you to bring fancy dishes for every occasion. But it only takes one too-spicy carrot soup on Thanksgiving and from then on, you're only asked to bring items you can't really screw up, like rolls. Actually, the last few years I've been in charge of bringing beverages so this is sort of a step up. I considered baking croissants then realized that might show some cooking skills and could result in a future request for some sort of side dish. Rolls from a bag ...

Bobgirrl posted a link on her site to a face recognition program on My Heritage that compares an image of your face to various celebrities. Never one to use my time wisely, I ran the picture from this site through and these are the results: 61% resemblance to Jennifer Aniston and Amanda Peet. No complaints there. 60% resemblance to Alicia Silverstone. I don't see it at all but I'll take it. 60% resemblance to Julie Andrews. This is where I put on the brakes. It didn't show a 60% resemblance to Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins, it was a 60% resemblance to Julie Andrews circa The Princess Diaries. THE LADY IS 70 YEARS OLD! I couldn't even look at any more results. ...

While some readers sympathized about my last date, as a 5'10" female standup comic, I guess I should consider myself fortunate to get any dates at all: Funny Women Are A Turn Off Men are intimidated, research says New research has found truth in the old stereotype that most men find funny women a turn-off. Scientists say women who tell jokes are seen as a threat, undermining men's idea that they should hold the dominant role. Hundreds of men and women in their twenties were questioned by academics. Most said they found a sense of humour to be attractive in women - but when asked if they would want to be with a woman who cracked jokes herself, more than half said no. Dr ...

When a guy doesn't buy me a drink, he's basically saying to me, "I never want to see you again." Ok, maybe that's not what he's saying, but that's what I'm hearing and that's exactly what's going to happen.

Any time I'm lacking for something to write about, I need to remember to hit a fast food drive thru because it's always a good source of material. I did just that today and noticed there was a mistake on the order screen. This was the conversation that followed: Me: I want it with cheese. Cashier: You want Swiss cheese? Me: WITH cheese. Cashier: Swiss cheese? Me: No, I want it WITH cheese. Cashier: We don't have Swiss cheese. Apparently he thought he was serving Cindy Brady. And I was laughing too hard to properly enunciate the phrase so I changed it up a bit: Me: I. Would. Like. Cheese. On. That. Cashier: Ok, but all we have is American. That's when I realized my enunciation was not the ...

A couple months ago I received a jury summons, which I promptly forgot about. On Tuesday, I realized the call-in date was approaching so I dug up the jury form. It turns out I was supposed to call the court last weekend. Great. I called the automated line expecting to hear there was a warrant out for my arrest but instead it simply told me to check back again the next night after 6:00. And I promptly forgot about it. At 3:30 yesterday morning, I remembered and called the line. Naturally, they wanted me this time- at 8:45 am. In case I haven't made it clear here, I do not do mornings. If I never had to spend another waking ...

You gotta love shows like The World Poker Tour. Where else can you see someone walk away bitter and angry after winning half a million dollars? Oh wait, I know: Watch The World Series of Poker and see that same response after people have won millions of dollars. I hope someday that bitterness will be mine. [tags] poker, world poker tour, million dollars, win[/tags]

When I heard the little ones chose Green Day for top Kids Choice Awards, I thought, "Those kids have great taste." But that taste was called into question by another favorite of theirs, Lindsay Lohan. Now comes this photo of Lohan at the awards ceremony and it sheds a bit of light on their selection: What six-year-old doesn't like a nice piece of ass? Let's all call the FCC and complain about this "wardrobe malfunction." We have to get this garbage off the airwaves- there could be children watching. Oh wait... (This is my 100th post in "People are Idiots." ...