Hasboro is updating the 70-year-old Monopoly game and they’re asking for the public’s suggestions. I have a few ideas to make the game more modern and realistic:
The corners “Go,” “Jail” and “Free Parking” will remain the same, but they’ll each now share space with a Starbucks. Every time you land on one you’ll have to pay $10 for a double decaf mocha latte.
The cheap properties- purple and blue- are on indian land. Owners are allowed to build casinos for the price of four hotels.
I have no idea what an iron and a dog have to do with real estate, so I suggest for pieces a Blackberry, a briefcase, a Mercedes, a credit card and a bottle of Xanax.
Chance and Treasure Chest cards:
Think they’ll use any of my ideas?
I have a great new promotional idea for American Idol. It’s called “Guess Paula’s Blood-Alcohol Level.” Each week, viewers would call or text their guess and all who are correct would be entered into a drawing to win a year’s supply of Jim Beam and Coke- just like Paula drinks on the show (keep in mind, this would be a normal drinker’s year supply and not a Paula Abdul year’s supply). My guess for last night’s show: .16%.
When did The Apprentice turn into “bring your kids to work day?” It was bad enough when Trump brought in season one winner Bill Rancic to substitute for George and give his “expert” business advice to the candidates. Then a couple weeks ago we were treated to the tough talk of one Ivanka Trump. This week, we got a double dose of Trump offspring when young Donald joined the board room festivities. Most of the candidates have some serious business credentials. It must be humiliating for them to have to accept criticism from Trump’s snot-nosed kids. Actually, it would be kind of fun if Trump brought in tweenie Tiffany one week just to see who finally snaps.
On the quality-television front, it appears there’s a new episode of Lost tonight. Just in time- withdrawal is starting to set in.
I think the Bluetooth is a great little gadget and if I made more than five phone calls a month I’d probably get one myself. But there comes a time to take the Bluetooth off and I’m taking a public stand: I hereby refuse to talk to anybody wearing one in a social situation. That’s right, the next time I’m at a party or a club and someone sporting cockroach ear tries to engage me in coversation, I’ll inform them of my position and walk away. I think the only exception would be if I had a heart attack and someone needed their hands free while they received CPR instructions over the phone. Then I’d answer their questions. But really, how many other good reasons are there for wearing a Bluetooth at a party?
The Bluetooth says to me, “I’m expecting a call so urgent that I can’t even pull my phone out of my pocket to take it.” Actually, more often it says to me, “I’m a jackass with a new toy I want everybody to see.” Either way, chatting up this fool can only be a waste of my time.
An Oregon man who went to a hospital complaining of a headache was found to have 12 nails embedded in his skull from a suicide attempt with a nail gun, doctors say. (Full story)
Twelve nails to the noggin’ and this guy complains of a headache. Makes me wonder how long it took for the doctor to discover the real problem:
Doctor: So, what brings you here today?
Nailboy: I’ve got a headache I can’t quite shake.
Doctor: Would you describe it as throbbing or pounding?
Nailboy: More like piercing.
Doctor: Do you get these headaches often?
Nailboy: No, this is the first time.
Doctor: Have you been under any stress at work?
Doctor: Any major bumps to the head?
Doctor: I think I’ve covered just about everything. Oh wait, have you hammered any nails into your skull recently?
Nailboy: Come to think of it, I did shoot 12 nails into my head last night. Think that might be the problem?
I got my first “tag” from Kristi at A Beautiful Mess. The way I recall the game of tag as a kid was a boy would touch me and say, “You’re it” then I’d turn around, kick him in the balls and say, “You’re it.” (I always blamed my bad early luck with boys on my height and freckles but maybe the long-term testicular damage I caused had something to do with it). No balls to kick in this tag, I’m just supposed to list six weird things about myself. I think the weirdest thing is that I had a hard time coming up with this list. Gotta love denial.
Apparently I’m supposed to tag six other people but since there were no promises of riches if I do or threats of eternal suffering if I don’t, I think I’ll just keep it here and anybody who wants to play along can post their list.
Tonight I went to the store to pick up my contribution for the family Easter dinnerr- rolls. I figured things out a long time ago: You show people you’re a good cook and then they want you to bring fancy dishes for every occasion. But it only takes one too-spicy carrot soup on Thanksgiving and from then on, you’re only asked to bring items you can’t really screw up, like rolls. Actually, the last few years I’ve been in charge of bringing beverages so this is sort of a step up. I considered baking croissants then realized that might show some cooking skills and could result in a future request for some sort of side dish. Rolls from a bag it is.
While shopping, I suddenly had an urge for chocolate chip cookie dough. I don’t know where the craving came from since I haven’t had cookie dough in probably five years. I previously described my “eat junk, lose weight” diet (which some doctor labelled with the more-professional, less-catchy name, “intuitive eating”). The reason it works is because I eat when I’m hungry but I rarely snack. But, man, I wanted that cookie dough and to make the dilemma more difficult, it was on sale for 2 for $4. And the package said it would keep until July (which actually kind of scared me- what’s in that stuff)?
So I picked up the two logs and proceeded to the cashier.The line was long enough that I had plenty of time to stare at a magazine that featured Eva Longoria on the cover looking amazing in a tiny bikini. I went back and forth with whether or not I should buy the cookie dough. I’m under no delusion that skipping the treat will get me any closer to looking that good in a bikini but I realized that eating it would get me that much farther from looking like that. So in the end, I put the cookie dough back.
I thought the home pregnancy test was a bad impulse item to display but I think pictures of hard bodies in a grocery store are even worse.
Bobgirrl posted a link on her site to a face recognition program on My Heritage that compares an image of your face to various celebrities. Never one to use my time wisely, I ran the picture from this site through and these are the results:
61% resemblance to Jennifer Aniston and Amanda Peet. No complaints there.
60% resemblance to Alicia Silverstone. I don’t see it at all but I’ll take it.
60% resemblance to Julie Andrews. This is where I put on the brakes. It didn’t show a 60% resemblance to Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins, it was a 60% resemblance to Julie Andrews circa The Princess Diaries. THE LADY IS 70 YEARS OLD!
I couldn’t even look at any more results. Screw you bobgirrl for ruining my day.
While some readers sympathized about my last date, as a 5’10″ female standup comic, I guess I should consider myself fortunate to get any dates at all:
Funny Women Are A Turn Off
Men are intimidated, research says
New research has found truth in the old stereotype that most men find funny women a turn-off.
Scientists say women who tell jokes are seen as a threat, undermining men’s idea that they should hold the dominant role.
Hundreds of men and women in their twenties were questioned by academics. Most said they found a sense of humour to be attractive in women – but when asked if they would want to be with a woman who cracked jokes herself, more than half said no.
Dr Rod Martin, whose research will be published in the scientific journal Evolution and Human Behaviour this week, said his findings suggested men feel threatened by witty women.
“When forced to choose between humour production and humour appreciation in potential partners, women valued humour production, whereas men valued receptivity to their own humour,” he said.
Dr Martin, a psychologist with the University of Western Ontario who has written several academic papers on humour, added: “One of the reasons why men don’t like female comedians may be that humour is seen as a masculine thing.”
But his research did find that men did show a preference for funny women when it came to one-night stands
The Independent on Sunday, which reported on the research today, put the findings to leading females.
Kumars star Meera Syal said: “The idea that men are more interested in having an audience rather than sharing banter doesn’t really surprise me. Women see men with a sense of humour as dangerous and sexy, while men see it as threatening.
“Humour is a mark of intelligence. Many men don’t really want to be the recipient of a cutting remark in public that will make them look small or stupid.”
Oriane Messina, of Radio 4′s Bearded Ladies, said: “I can’t say I’ve laughed a man into bed, whereas I know plenty of men who have laughed a woman into bed.”
Catherine Tate said: “I do recognise this type of man. They think that because you’re being funny you are entering their domain. Some backward types are threatened by funny women. It’s mad.”
And stand-up Lucy Porter added that the men who were bold enough to chat her up probably did so because “they think that if you are outrageous on stage, then you are going to be really dirty in bed”.