Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots

Open Trackback #2

It’s Open Trackback Friday (more information about it can be found here)

My requests:

1) One link per site each week, please

2) Since this is called the OPEN Trackback Alliance, I’m not too keen on the OTA members who censor the links they’ll accept based on content. So if you’re an OTA member who won’t publish links because the post contains profanity, differing political beliefs, etc. I’d rather you didn’t participate in my OTA post.

3) Please link to posts that contain actual content written by you- that means no other OTA posts or articles comprised primarily of someone else’s work.

Remembering The Wrong Terry Schiavo

Friday marks the one-year anniversary of Terri Shiavo’s death. I was totally fascinated by the case last year, keeping 24-hour death watch on FOX news. Yeah, I confess- when I watch the news (which I rarely do because it’s more disgraceful than my crappy reality shows), I watch FOX. FOX “news” is hysterical, partly because the anchors have a sense of humor but mostly because they’re completely unabashed in their bias. FOX is not for the easily influenced but since I don’t fall under that description, I think it’s safe for me to watch.

The whole ordeal prompted me to put my own dying wishes in writing and give them to my sister but I think a public blog is an even better place to make those wishes known, just in case my sister gets sucked in by some religious cult and conveniently “loses” what I wrote. It’s pretty simple: If there ever comes a time when I’m asked whether I want to live or die and I can’t give a decipherable answer, put me down. I don’t care how many balloons my eyes seem to follow or if someone thinks the fact that I winked when George Clooney appeared on tv is a sign, if I can’t say or write “I wanna live!”, pull the plug, hold a pillow over my face, stick a little sumpin’ sumpin’ in my IV – just let me go. I’m not one of those people who thinks life itself is precious, it’s the quality of life that makes it precious. Fortunately, nobody in my family is interested in being my caretaker so I don’t have to worry about anybody putting up a fight. My dad even offered to buy a gun and shoot me (a little too wistfully, I might add).

So back to Terri. With the anniversary of Terri’s death approaching I’ve come across this photo tribute to her many times, which is featured on her family’s website in her honor, Terri’s Fight. I understand that people want to remember someone at their best. But in a situation like this, where her family fought so hard to convince the courts and the world that she was a viable human being in her PVS state, I’m curious why they didn’t choose a photo of her in that condition. It wasn’t the young, vibrant, gorgeous girl who pulled at America’s heart strings. It was the woman lying helplessly in her bed as both sides tugged at her that did. I’m sure most people agree with the family that starving and dehydrating her was an inhumane way to end her life, regardless of whether or not she felt pain. So THAT’s the photo they need to show: The one of the shriveled up woman on day 14 without food or water. The Terri Schinder Schiavo Foundation won’t be able to change people’s dying wishes but a powerful photo like that could encourage changes as to how those wishes are carried out.

Hatcher and Seacrest Swapping Spit

I found this image almost as startling as the Britney Spears statue so I thought I’d pass it on. This is Desperate Housewives star Teri Hatcher kissing American Idol cheeseball, Ryan Seacrest. I don’t know which excuse is better for her: The fact that she’s a 40ish woman and he’s 10 years her junior or the fact that she was molested as a child. Either way, some serious pyschological issues seem to be impeding her better judgment.

I’m not going to go the hacky route and say he’s gay because the truth is, I don’t even think he’s human. The guy hosts a radio show five days a week and the number one tv show two nights a week. He also hosts a couple more programs I only know about because his billboards are on more corners in this town than Starbucks. Even if he had the talent to justify that many shows, no mortal being could maintain that kind of pace and keep up with the needs of a 40-year-old woman. Although, judging by the tight-lipped kiss, it appears the only person’s needs he’s fulfilling is his publicist’s.

I’ve already expressed my complete lack of understanding as to why I and 30 million other people watch American Idol each week. The only logical answer is that it’s some sort of massive mind control experiment and Ryan Seacrest was created as a way to make middle America comfortable with metrosexuals, which will eventually clear the way for homosexuals. The guy even speaks like a robot. I remember seeing him on an episode of Blind Date years ago and he talked in that phony radio voice even when he didn’t have a microphone in front of him. That’s just not normal.

I do have to say that as lame as I think Ryan Seacrest is, he’s still a better catch than Paula Abdul’s choice of younger men, Corey Clark. Each week you can see Paula kicking herself for not holding out for major stud, Ace. Last night when she told Ace, “You’ll have to tell me about that scar sometime,” Simon had to practically force her back onto her seat as her excitement caused her to slide off it. Or maybe it was the alcohol. She’s seemed pretty plastered on most of the shows this season.

Anyhooo…with Hatcher dating Seacrest, it begs the question, “Whatever happened to her and George Clooney?” Supposedly the two of them were an item just a few weeks ago. Apparently both sides are keeping mum about whether they had any sort of relationship. Hatcher even said, “If I went on a date with George Clooney I would not be talking about it.” That statement right there suggests that she too is a robot because any red-blooded woman would shout it from the mountain tops if she had a date with Clooney. Plus, witnesses to her date with Seacrest said she was laughing at his jokes. I think that pretty much confirms her cyborg status. Whatever those two are made of, all I ask is that they keep it inside from now on.

Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay

I want to put in a plug for one of the funniest blogs I’ve come across, which happens to belong to my friend, Stefanie Wilder-Taylor. It’s called “Baby on Bored” and primarily deals with her experiences as a new mom. Normally, that topic would be far from my area of interest, but Stefanie writes from the perspective of someone who’s not the “mommy” type. She’s only a “cunt” or two away from uptight readers calling Child Protective Services on her.

In addition to her great blog, she has a new book out called “Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay…And Other Things I Had To Learn As A New Mom” (available at Amazon). She’ll be hawking the book on tomorrow morning’s Today Show. Since there’s not much chance I’ll catch her appearance at that insane hour, if anybody watches it, please tell me something she said so I can quote it back to her and tell her she was fabulous.

Anyway, check out her blog and buy her book. She’s a degenerate poker player and a comic so she needs all the sales she can get.

***Update*** Stefanie got bumped from tomorrow’s Today Show for some late breaking news guest so they’re pre-taping her segment for airing next week. The good news is her blog has not been bumped and is available for reading right now.

Funnier Than The Muhammad Cartoons Themselves

If I didn’t already have 10,000 t-shirts I never wear, I’d get this one because this is hysterical.

(Photos from: Samizdata.net)

Available from T-Shirt Hell for $18. Actually, they have a bunch of great shirts. Some of the funnier ones (at least, the ones I’ll admit to thinking are especially funny):

I THINK I MAY HAVE THE ASIAN BIRD FRU- I MEAN FLU
(DAMN IT’S STARTING ALREADY)

YOU’LL REGRET READING THIS SHIRT WHEN THE SKETCH ARTIST ASKS YOU TO DESCRIBE MY FACE

I MAY HAVE ALZHEIMER’S BUT AT LEAST I DON’T HAVE ALZHEIMER’S

(Front) THERE’S A FUCKIN’ ASSHOLE LOOKING AT ME
(Back) …STILL LOOKING AT ME

1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

(Having read that last one as quickly as I would have with letters, I think I need to sign off the computer for the day).

Progress Instead of Protest

A whopping 500,000 people turned out for yesterday’s immigration reform protest in Los Angeles, causing major gridlock at freeway offramps as drivers wondered where else they could buy fresh oranges (COME ON!*).

Imagine if those 500,000 instead spent just one day in Mexico trying to make a difference there. Some could teach classes in their areas of expertise while others built houses with Habitat for Humanity. They could all plug money into the Mexican economy and inform the pint-size entrepreneurs that it doesn’t matter how sad and pathetic they make themselves appear, Americans don’t want Chicklets. Time to update the merchandise.

For all the discussion of people wanting to come to America for a better life, many seem to forget that Mexico’s not some wasteland ruled by a cruel dictator. It’s a good country with great potential. If the US could succeed in sending even a few million illegal Mexicans home, their greatest revenge would be to turn their own country around to the extent that they have to expel illegal Americans.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

*Said in the style of GOB from Arrested Development

Border Line Ridiculous

I need some assistance. I’ve read a bunch of news stories on a particular topic and either the reporters left out important details, or I’m simply missing something. According to the stories, thousands of people in several cities are protesting a bill that:

…Calls for tough border security and enforcement measures and would make it a federal crime, instead of a civil offense, for undocumented workers to live in the country.

If I’m to understand this correctly, they’re protesting a bill that would make it illegal to be here illegally. Is that right? Am I close? If I am, I’m unclear about what they’re protesting. I’m certainly no expert on how or why some people get to reside here legally, but I did take the time to review the US Citizenship and Immigration Services website. While the steps required for legalization are by no means easy, they seem reasonably attainable for anybody who really wants to work and live here.

There’s a protest planned for today in downtown LA that I’m tempted to attend but they expect about a hundred thousand protestors. Not only do I hate big crowds, I strongly suspect it’s all a trap from INS and an enormous net’s going to fall from the skyscrapers gathering everybody up. Plus, with everybody protesting, I don’t know who would park my car (COME ON! You were all thinking it).

The fact is, there aren’t a lot of illegal aliens who pay income tax and they shouldn’t benefit from the services afforded by those who do. Perhaps the US needs to improve or speed up the legalization process but that’s a different issue. I certainly don’t think we should relax any standards requiring legal immigrants to be productive members of society. I know the Statue of Liberty says, “Give us your tired your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore…” but it’s about time for the US to stand up and say, “Hey, the French wrote that as some kinda joke. We didn’t expect you all to take it so literally.”

Lincoln Memorial, Washington Monument, Britney Squeezing One Out

Since my eyes have been permanently scarred by this image, I felt the evil need to force it upon others. In case it’s not clear, this is a statue of Britney Spears. Giving birth. On a bearskin rug. Doggy style.

The website for Capla Kesting Fine Art gallery in Brooklyn says:

Dedication of the life-sized statue celebrates the recent birth of Spears’ baby boy, Sean, and applauds her decision of placing family before career. “A superstar at Britney’s young age having a child is rare in today’s celebrity culture. This dedication honors Britney for the rarity of her choice and bravery of her decision,” said gallery co-director, Lincoln Capla.

Funny, nowhere does the tribute mention anything about the fact that Britney started dating the father while another woman was carrying his second child. She’s a real inspiration all right. The only bravery on Britney’s part is if she married him and had his baby without a prenuptial agreement.

Even though it’s called “Monument to Pro-Life” it looks more like “Monument to the Nasty in the Third Trimester.” The website features pictures of the statue from every angle except the back. I guess you have to pay the admission fee if you want to see that glorious vision. As icky as this is, we should be thankful the gallery didn’t opt for a different pro-life statue: Tom Cruise touching Katie Holmes’ fetus. On a bearskin rug. Doggy style.

Cybergeek Stuff

Open Trackback Alliance

I’m now an official member of the Open Trackback Alliance (keep reading- it’s even geekier than it sounds). What that means is every Friday I will publish a post that anybody can trackback to with their own post and have a link and excerpt for it displayed on the front page of my blog almost instantly. The purpose is two-fold: 1) To showcase people’s best recent posts and 2) To exchange links, which increases both sites’ search engine visibility and traffic. What I’ve found is that the sort of people who participate in this exchange tend to have very well-written blogs (even if some of their political views make my skin crawl. But that’s beside the point). It’s actually a great way to discover interesting new blogs.

I won’t go into all the details about how the OTA works as you can find all that in the FAQ (while you’re there, check out the rest of OTA founder Samantha Burns’ blog- she’s a smart, funny chick). All you really need to know is that to participate, you just have to include a link to this site (preferably to my homepage) and send me a trackback from your post to the weekly post designated for open trackbacks. If you’re not familiar with trackbacks or how to send them with your blogging software, again, I direct you to the FAQ. I will post the specifics, such as the address for sending trackbacks in Friday’s post. I particularly hope some of the regulars here will choose to participate.

Technorati’s Top 100 Favorite Blogs

One reason this is a good time for people to participate in the OTA is that “People are Idiots” is number two on Technorati’s favorite’s list so it’s sending a bit of extra traffic my way. It’s not the kind of traffic I pulled in for my Blogjacking efforts but it’s decent and I’m happy to share the traffic if I can. To explain: Technorati is the number one search engine for blogs and they recently implemented the capability for members to add various sites to their Technorati favorites (thus the link that’s been prominently displayed over on the sidebar). I’ve been hovering at number two on the list for awhile. I’m also at #10. I think when I transferred my blog over a few weeks ago, it doubled up my domain’s favorites. I either look really cool or really stupid for having two listings on there. I think it’s the latter. If you haven’t already added my site, it would be kind of nifty if you did. And “nifty” is one of those special words I don’t just throw around haphazardly. I’d kind of like to be at number one because it’s looking like it could be my last chance to make any sort of mark in life. When I die, someone can say about me, “She spent one week at #1 on Technorati’s favorite list.” Then everybody will whisper, “What the hell is Technorati?”

What do you get for adding me to your favorites? Nothing! What do I get in return? Absosmurfly nothing! There’s won’t be any coverage of the ascension in People Magazine, there won’t be a fancy awards ceremony and ball. It’s just one of those things where if I’m gonna be #2, I might as well be #1. Yaknowwadaimean? And I only need 12 additions at this point. If you do add me, please use this here link because the url is slightly different than my homepage url (which, unfortunately, is the one at #10). If I make it to #1, I promise to stay away from religion (for a little while, anyway) and write some funny stuff. Sound good?

All Work, No Pray (Revisited)

Sometimes my responses to comments left for posts require a little more attention than the comments section provides so I’ve decided to reply to one comment for “All Work No Pray” in this post. “Orthodox Apprentice” wrote:

Your anti-semitic comments are highly offensive.

You should be careful with the accusations you throw around because a statement like that is libel. I have no problem with Jews or people who practice any religion. I do, however, think the religions themselves are nutty. While I don’t discriminate against anyone for their beliefs, any discussions of those beliefs are given the same kind of consideration I give to people’s discussions of their alien abductions or reincarnations. I just don’t think believing in a burning bush that speaks is all that different.

But besides that, what did I write that you consider to be anti-semitic? I had a problem with the guys taking time off work for ANY reason. I mentioned that they are Jewish because it’s relevant to their excuse but I didn’t say one word to imply their particular religious affiliation was a factor. I think my subtle praise for Lenny should have indicated such.

Observant Jews are forbidden from working on Jewish holidays. They don’t have a choice – it’s simply not allowed.

What happens if they do work? Will a couple thugs beat them to a pulp with a giant loaf of challah? Lenny’s Jewish and he worked. Is he going to hell now? One problem I have with organized religions is that many still abide by traditions that were established at a time when it was practical to follow them but they have not been updated to reflect the current state of affairs. The worst example of this has to be the Catholic church’s continued refusal to allow its practitioners to use birth control, particularly condoms. One word from the Pope could result in far fewer AIDS-stricken, starving babies living in this world. There comes a point when common sense should dictate how and which traditions are followed.

I don’t know of any corporation in this country that does not allow employees to take off on religious holidays. The right to practice religion is protected by our Constitution.

Do you know of any corporations that allow time off specifically for religious holidays? If so, I’d like to know about them. If a company has a policy that states each employee gets 5 personal days a year, then great- the Jews can use those days to observe holidays and the easy single chicks can use those days to observe hard bodies. But if a company gives special privilleges to people for religious reasons, that’s discrimination against agnostics, atheists and people whose religions don’t include holidays every other week. My only interest is in equality for everybody.

I support people’s right to practice any religion but if they choose to let it interfere with their work, they should suffer the consequences. The same applies to being a parent or a drama queen; you do that on your own time.

These guys did not slack off or go out drinking. They spent the two days in a synagogue praying to God for health, peace and prosperity.

For all you know, they could have been praying to win The Apprentice. I’ve watched enough reality shows to know that’s the sort of hollow, selfish desire a lot of people pray for. And who are you to determine one reason is more valid than the other for skipping work? You may think my need to party and have a good time is silly while I think your need to talk to imaginary people is silly. This is precisely why there needs to be a blanket allowance for all employees and if such an allowance doesn’t exist then you pay the price at work for making something else a priority, just as I’m sure Lenny suffered some sort of repercussions within his faith for making work his priority.

The producers of the show knew that these two guys would not be available on certain days, yet they picked them for the cast and scheduled tasks for those days. It was probably set up intentionally to create a conflict. You can’tblame Dan and Lee for practicing their religion. They are who they are.

Of course the producers knew and I’m sure they were hoping for a lot more conflict than they got. In the context of life, I don’t blame Dan and Lee for practicing their religion but in the context of work, I do blame them for their team’s loss and somebody else’s firing. There have been several people on The Apprentice who I believe had much better reasons than religion for skipping a task but they didn’t. If I were an employer, those would be the people I’d want working in my business.

All Work, No Pray

On the last episode of The Apprentice, two guys sat out a task in order to observe Dreidel Day or Buy A Baldie A Yarmulke Day or something like that. There are so many holidays, I can’t keep track. Another Jewish guy, Lenny, showed up to do the job he beat out thousands of others to do. The team lost the task and when it came time to choose people to bring into the board room for firing, the project manager brought in Lenny but not the two absentees. After some debate, the project manager was fired but she should have been cut loose the second she decided not to bring in the two slackers, who should have been canned as well. Anybody who believes that somebody who made even the slightest effort is more deserving of being fired than two people who did nothing is a crappy leader. That should have been the whole board room discussion before Trump said, “You’re fired.”

The only person who expressed any real disapproval of the guys skipping the task was Lenny. Trump didn’t even seem to have a problem with it. I can’t believe all the other contestants were pleased that their asses were on the line for someone else’s beliefs. It showed how scared people are to voice their opposition in a PC world where doing so will incur the wrath of overzealous religious groups.

It really bothers me that concessions are made for people who choose to practice traditions that were created at a time when taking a day off work meant eating meat you caught yesterday instead of today. I don’t suppose Trump would be so understanding if an Irish dude said he needed St. Patrick’s Day off because the pubs open at 8 am or if a single girl missed work because she hooked up with a hottie the night before and has a mad hangover (and a possible nooner to look forward to). For that matter, I wonder if the Jewish guys would give them a free pass, knowing their hard work could cost them the opportunity of a lifetime while their teammate’s drooling into a pint of Guiness. If one gets a day off, they all should.

I’m Going To Hell

…because the last line made me chuckle.

AUSTIN – The reigning Miss Deaf Texas died Monday afternoon after being struck by a train, officials said.

Tara Rose McAvoy, 18, was walking near railroad tracks when she was struck by a Union Pacific train, authorities said. A witness told Austin television station KTBC the train sounded its horn right up until the accident occurred.

(Full story)

Anti-Deodorant

I dared to buy deodorant at the 99 Cent Store. Big mistake. Not only did it fail to prevent odor, it CREATED a stank much worse than anything my body has ever produced on its own. And it just sort of crept up on me like a stink bomb had suddenly been released. Luckily I was at home and spared the embarrassment of public reekage but it made me realize that you have to have some serious olfactory problems to be oblivious to bad B.O. The next time I’m in close proximity to such an offender I don’t think I’ll politely ignore it because that’s just rude on their part.

Lesson for the kids: The 99 Cent Store is good for items like shaving cream and pens- maybe even a six pack of Guatemalan beer when times are tough- but it’s best not to skimp when it comes to the essentials. I can only wonder how many unwanted children are a result of 99 Cent Store condoms.