I found a parking spot right outside my bank today. The meter said it was 15 minute parking and the payment options were either six minutes for a nickel or 12 minutes for a dime. That was it. There was no way to pay exact change for the full time allowed. They could have just made it five minutes for a nickel and 10 minutes for a dime or they even could have allowed 18 minutes parking for my extra pennies. It was like there was some underlying message that when your 15 minutes are up, Hollywood doesn't give two cents about extending it. I finished my bank transaction surprisingly fast and since I wanted to get my full money's worth ...

Television producer Aaron Spelling is being sued for sexual harassment by his former nurse. She claims he "placed his hands on her breasts, groin and genital area, exposed himself, solicited oral sex and offered her cash in return for various sex acts." That's just part of the allegations against her 82-year-old former employer, but common sense tells me things didn't go down the way she claims. I've seen Spelling a couple times. The first was three years ago in Vegas ("My New Year's W/Rickles and Spelling") and at the time he looked like he was at death's door. When I saw him again two years later, he looked like a Jehovah's Witness at death's door, refusing to go away until the ...

Last night I went to 7-11 and my total came to $7.11. I was expecting balloons to fall from the ceiling and a bunch of people to jump out from the corners throwing confetti, but at 2 am all I got was a bored security guard and a cashier wearing an "I am not a terrorist" button. I figured the numerical coincidence was a sign that I should buy a lottery ticket. Gamblers always see weird things as lucky signs. One time, my friend and I drove to Vegas and passed a burning car along the way. For some reason we were certain that was a lucky sign (nobody headed to Vegas sees anything as an unlucky sign). As it turned ...

I was finishing up today's post when an email brought to my attention the fact that my blog is missing the "flag?" button. Now, it's possible that the Blogger powers-that-be stumbled upon my blog (which isn't hard to do these days), realized the enormous social importance of this blog (through such topics as the American Idol premiere, Paris Hilton's smashup and Robbie Kneivel's sex life) and decided to rid me of the oppressive judgment measure other Blogger users are subjected to. But since I don't live in Never Never Land, I know that didn't happen. Instead, it appears that I'm the recipient of some flagging (derived from the words "fag" and "flogging") which is done by closed-minded sheep ...

In regard to the gender-confused American Idol auditioner: I liked that judge Randy came right out and asked him if he's a male, unafraid to acknowledge his disparate appearance. There's this underlying belief in our society that it's wrong to point out people's differences. As a result, many people end up referring to others in confusing terms because they're afraid the most obvious characteristics are too offensive to mention. It happens all the time but the best example I've experienced went something like this: Friend: Listen to what happened to Barney Flarney* (not his real name) Me: I don't think I know a Barney Flarney Friend: Sure you do. He's tall-over six feet, wears flannel shirts and cut off gloves....

Like 38 million other Americans, I tuned in to the premiere of American Idol. No, I wasn't forced to watch the program by the Bad Taste Society- I actually did so of my own free will. I realize this admission hurts my credibility when it comes to discussions of quality television, but I do have a good excuse. One of my poker buddies co-hosted the show the first season and I used to watch it just to give him some support. I didn't even like it enough to tune in every week but somewhere around the time Justin Guarini asked the crowd to tell him how much they loved him (consequently landing him in the bottom three the next night), ...

This morning, California executed a guy minutes after his 76th birthday ended. I can't help but wonder how his final visitors handled the situation. Did they wish him a happy birthday? Did they bring him gifts? (If so, did they keep the receipts)? Hallmark claims to have "cards for every occasion" but I've never seen a "condemned loved one" section in the greeting card aisle. I can only guess this is what some of his cards said: Front: On this, your birthday, remember... Inside: Live each day like it's your last! Front: Who would have thought you'd reach the ripe old age of 76? Inside: Certainly not 12 former jurors Front: At your age, don't think of it as having one foot in ...

IT'S OFFICIAL: I AM THE BIGGEST BLOGEEK. Some of the regular readers may have wondered about the recent influx of comments on my blog. Unfortunately it's not due to particularly stellar posts or any grand accomplishments by me. I did just what the title says- I hijacked a blog. Actually, as of this morning, two blogs. I noticed that the "Recently Updated" list on the Blogger Dashboard hasn't been updated at all for the last few weeks so I checked out some of the sites. One of the blogs no longer had an owner and I wondered if I could snap it up. Two minutes later, "My Blog" was mine. I added a little redirect to "People are Idiots" and voila! ...

I was hanging out with a group of mostly friends and some girl I don't know mentioned that she dated (or maybe just fucked) Robbie Knievel, Evel Knievel's son. When she left, one of the guys scoffed, "Well, who's knows if that's really true." I said, "OF COURSE it's true. Who's going to lie about screwing Robbie Knievel?" I guess he thought she was attempting to impress the group, as if Robbie Knievel was actually somebody. He's merely the son of a guy who achieved tv fame at a time when there were only 12 channels (the "u" channel didn't count) and the other viewing options were a couple of PBS telethons and seven stations of static. I have no idea what ...

I previously explained my idea for Common Sense Law, which I will implement when I'm president. Today I'd like to share with you a plan that I believe will increase revenue while reducing crime and people's blood pressure at the same time: The Virtual Bullet. We all have instances when people aggravate us so much we just want to blow their heads off. For whatever reason we don't- for most it's because it's immoral, for some it's because it's illegal and for others it's because their local Wal-Mart has already closed for the evening. It doesn't matter what your reason is, the Virtual Bullet will let you stick it to someone guilt-free! Here's how it works: On January 1st of each ...

From the "truth is stranger than fiction" files: The body of a Cincinnati woman spent the last couple years at home propped up in front of a tv, per her last wishes (making me wonder if her static viewing habits is the reason for ABC's dramatic ratings shift and why "The George Lopez Show" is still on the air). After the 61-year-old's death in August 2003, her caretaker left her upstairs in the home with the television and air conditioning running because she said, "Don't bury me. I'll be back." This alone makes the story of Terminator Granny fascinating, but there's more: Family members continued to live downstairs. Police went to the house last Wednesday after a relative who hadn't seen the lady ...

Obviously I changed the look of my site. I figured it was time since it's been a couple years since I sported the old look (and my complexion was never that greenish). I'd been waiting until I got new headshots but I don't see that happening in the near future. I haven't added much to the site but I will be uploading pictures soon so check back later.

On Thursday night, I saw my first preview for The Book of Daniel, a quirky new dramedy about an Episcopalian priest and his dysfunctional family. I thought it looked interesting but I probably wouldn't have sought out the program. Then I read that several NBC affiliates had removed the show from their schedules in response to some boohooing from religious groups. That got my attention. No matter what the critics or fans say about a show, nothing is more likely to get me to tune in than hearing the Religious Right has a problem with it. I think they should do away with the current stars and thumbs in ratings and implement a system of crosses for each cult, I ...