I have a good relationship with my parents but one area of discord over the years has revolved around Mom's annual Christmas card. It's always a time-consuming creative endeavor that's sent to everybody who has voluntarily (and sometimes not) provided my parents with their home address. The problem I have is that the little blurb on me never seems to portray me accurately, or at least, not in the best light possible. For example, one year when I'd traveled overseas to entertain military troops and was writing for a national magazine, my portion only mentioned that I'd bartended for Wolfgang Puck. Last year's card said that I made frequent trips to Arizona to see my nephews (i.e. Jenée has no life ...

This is the first Christmas I've missed with my nephews and I'm pretty bummed. The older one, Zach, and I always track Santa's travels on the Norad website then leave cookies and carrots for Santa and his reindeer. I'm worried he won't believe in Santa much longer because he's closing in on the wise old age of five and has a lot of questions. Last year he wondered how big fat Santa gets down the chimney. This year Zach was anxious to sit on Santa's lap at school but his dad refused to wait in line so he said they could head over to the mall and meet Santa. Most kids his age would accept that without question, but young ...

As I stood in line at Sav-on today, I browsed through the baskets leading to the cashier. They contained the usual items: batteries, candy, water, EPT Plus. Huh? A home pregnancy test??? Yes, the brilliant minds at Sav-on determined that EPT Plus fits into the category of "impulse buy" (and/or "stocking stuffer"). Don't they realize a pregnancy test is always the first item on the shopping list and never an afterthought? No woman gets in line, sees the boxes of EPT and says to herself, "Come to think of it, my belly's getting quite large and I haven't had my period in six months. Maybe I should buy this." A home pregnancy test is one of those items a person goes to the ...

As I alluded to yesterday, one of the comps I got out of the Paris Hotel and Casino was two free nights room and a couple tickets to see Don Rickles on New Year's Eve. I don't recommend Vegas for New Year's. The drive, which usually takes me a little more than three and a half hours took eight. I'm not exaggerating. The casinos hike their table minimums way up and close their doors to non-hotel guests. My friend and I actually had to play the "We know the pit boss" card to get into the Barbary Coast (it's crappy but I love it there). Back to Rickles. I brought a couple friends to Vegas but could only bring my partner ...

I've been slacking a bit on my blog lately, but you know, the holidays. Actually the holidays have nothing to do with it, but it's just such an easy excuse for everything. Late to meet someone? "Sorry, holiday traffic." Want to cancel the meeting all together? "It's a bad time- the holidays." Want to eat something naughty? "Why not? It's the holidays." Pulled over by a cop? "Pleeeeeease?! It's the holidays." Anyway, after I wrote my last blog, I remembered something lucky that happened to me. Well, I don't think it would actually be considered luck but it was probably the only time I benefitted from other people's incompetence. About four years ago, I visited Vegas pretty regularly. I was receiving so ...

I'm not a lucky person- never have been. If I've ever won anything, it was so insignificant that I can't even recall what it was. I've never won a raffle, even when the odds were heavily stacked in my favor. I've never hit a decent slot machine payout on the first pull. If I pick heads, it's tails. If I shoot rock, someone else shoots paper. I'm always "miny" instead of "mo." Publisher's Clearinghouse doesn't even bother to send me their annual letter. If they did, it would probably say, "You might already be a winner...oh who are we kidding?" When I play craps, the dealer always yells, "Lady shooter coming out" and all the guys at the table bump up ...

I thought some of the regular readers might want updates on past blogs... Arrested Development: The word today is that ABC and Showtime are interested in buying the show (if Fox ever officially cancels it). There IS hope!!! Kazakhstani journalist Borat Sagdiyev: After the country of Kaz threatened to sue Sascha Baron Cohen (Da Ali G Show), he posted the following statements on his Borat character's website: I like to state I have no connection with Mr. Cohen and fully support my government's decision to sue this Jew. Since the 2003 reforms, Kazakhstan is as civilized as any other country in the world. Women can now travel on inside of bus, homosexuals no longer have to wear blue hats and age of ...

When I started out in standup, I used my first and last names on stage. Then I had a few incidents with creepy guys that made me think I shouldn't. So I figured until I hear about another Jenée in the business, one name will do. Kinda like Madonna or Cher or God. Over the years, when people have asked what my last name is, I've declined to tell them. Not because it's a big secret but because people always say, "You won't tell me? Whatever, I really don't care." And then they go to great lengths to try and find out what it is. So I withhold the information out of sheer amusement. A comic I play poker with kept harping ...

Regular readers may have gathered that I watch a lot of tv. The reason being that I spend half my day "working" Internet poker ("playing" makes it sound like it's all fun and games, which it sometimes isn't). I usually have four or five tables going at once and that still isn't enough to hold my attention so watching the tube is the only other activity I can enjoy at the same time. Lots of people like to say, "TV kills your brain cells." That's probably a good thing. I think losing a few IQ points would make others less sufferable. I rag on idiots all the time here, but the fact is, I'm jealous of them. If I had ...

For the last month or so, I've been saying my prayers for the brilliant Arrested Development to live on. Today I was given a glimmer of hope with this news snippet: Producer Brian Grazer told CNN last week that he is working feverishly to move the sitcom to another home. "I think we'll get picked up by some other network, possibly," he said. "You never know. I can't tell you anything other than I'm hoping it works out in the way that we want it to. But I'm optimistic." PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!!! If this happens, I might actually start believing in a higher power (which, of course, would be the network executive who buys it). NBC needs to jump at this opportunity. They've ...

I read a news article yesterday that makes me think I missed my bestseller opportunity. A science professor has introduced a no-diet diet he calls "intuitive eating." Basically, he says that if you only eat when you're hungry and don't eat to the point of fullness, you can eat whatever you want. He used this approach to lose 50 pounds and keep it off for five years. I'm telling you...It's true! I struggled with my weight most of my life. I was never fat or even chubby, just heavy enough to get the "You have a pretty face" compliments while my friends were off winning bikini contests. I tried all the diets and constantly fretted about my size. I spent way too ...

I had lunch with Dad yesterday and he mentioned he had to pick Mom up from the hospital later in the afternoon. "Mom's in the hospital?" I asked. He answered, "Oh, thought I told everybody. She's been in since we got back from our trip." Nice to know how easily I'm forgotten in the information loop. It reminds me of the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Larry's mom died and nobody notified him because they didn't want to ruin his trip to New York. Then they told him how great the funeral was! Hilarious. Whether Dad not telling me was accidental or intentional, I really can't blame him. The last time Mom was in the hospital I didn't know about it for several ...

The face transplant performed yesterday fascinates me. I'm anxious to see if one person's facial features will look similar when placed on another person's bone structure. Consider the ramifications if it does. Would people be willing to donate their face when they die? I'm sure there would be plenty of people anxious to receive a dead hottie's face. "Fuglies" could be added to UNOS to await a transplant. When donors become available, the recipients would debate who got the better organs. Sure, hearts and kidneys save lives but great faces improve lives. In a matter of time, doctors might get it down to an outpatient procedure and everybody would be doing it. Right now it's surprising when a friend suddenly shows ...