Tonight, I came around the corner in a parking lot and saw the car ahead of me slowly backing up so I stopped. When he was about six feet from my car, I gave a little beep. He kept going. So I gave a full honk. He kept going. I blared my horn since there was a car behind me and I had nowhere to go. But apparently I was behind the fucking Energizer Bunny who kept going and going until he bumped right into me. A security guard who saw it all immediately walked over. I figured it was a good sign he'd seen the incident because there's never any damage when witnesses are around. It's only when there's $2,000 ...

This morning I awakened to find a deep gash on my chin. I figure I must have scratched it in my sleep with my fingernails. Later, I was soaking in my bath and noticed that a mole from my wrist was gone (I have to confess, I took a quick glance to see if it was in the water before realizing how stupid that was). Do moles just suddenly fall off? I guess anybody who can answer that probably isn't reading my blog. It wasn't really a protruding mole, if was more like a slightly-raised freckle. I can't think of anything I've done recently that would have ripped it from my skin. I have a history of overactivity in my sleep ...

In the last 10 years, I don't think more than eight waking hours have passed without me applying something to my lips. I'm partial to Vaseline's product. It has no flavor and contains sunscreen. Last week I squeezed my last tube dry and went to 7-11 to pick some up but all they had was Carmex and ChapStick. Carmex has this awful medicinal flavor to it. That's fine as an absolute last resort but I can't imagine why anybody would choose that as their preferred lip balm. So I ended up buying the cherry flavored ChapStick. One week later, my lips are chapped. I haven't been in the sun at all and my fucking lips are chapped. I'm pissed. I don't remember the ...

Today started out kind of stressful for me when I read the headline that there had been a serious earthquake in Beijing. Mom emailed us yesterday saying she and Dad are where else? Beijing. That's about right. Two native Los Angelinos visit China and within 24 hours the area experiences its worst earthquake in 50 years. It actually wasn't an enormous quake. At 5.7 on the Richter scale, people in L.A. probably wouldn't even stop what they're doing, but it caused quite a lot of damage over there, even collapsing some buildings. Knowing Mom's track record of injuries in foreign countries, I knew it was quite possible a little jolt could send her hurling to the pavement. I spent about half ...

There are four jailhouse stories in the news that I have to comment on: Nine inmates escaped from Wa. jail: They escaped through the ceiling then used bed sheets to get them down the four-story building. I'm not an architect or a security expert, but I'm pretty sure I could figure out a way to keep a person from escaping from my first story unit. That nine "maximum security" prisoners broke out of a jail is unbelievable. Who's on security patrol? Barney Fife? Inmates vie for "Miss Penitentiary" title: Seriously- a beauty pageant for inmates. If Trump gets his hands on this one, the "Miss America" pageant could officially be dead (although, I suppose its move to the country channel ...

I'm such a dumbass. I didn't realize until last night that today's Thanksgiving. The thing is, I don't live by a calendar so I never know what day it is. I can keep track of the holidays that always fall on a specific day but not the ones that fall on some randomly determined day to suit the Holiday Decider's vacation schedule. I'm usually clued into the irregular holidays by the fact that the bank's closed or I didn't get mail or traffic in Hollywood was particularly busy late the night before. Though sometimes several days have passed before I wonder, "Did I miss President's Day?" Thanksgiving's always been easy to remember because the family gets together and there are various phone calls ...

So today I hear on the news that the Xboxes, which retail for $299, are now going for well over $1000 on Ebay. This forces me to adjust some of the comments I made yesterday. I retract any criticsm toward the students who waited in line for the Xbox to make an $800+ return on their investment. There aren't a lot of college kids who can make that kind of scratch in one day unless they're peddling drugs or swinging from a pole. Now I have to figure out who's dumber: the people who braved the elements for two days to buy a $299 Xbox or the people who didn't wait but are now paying $1000+ for an item that will ...

Hundreds of video game fans camped out in New York's cold and rain to be among the first to buy the new Xbox released today. I blame Miss Liberty for requesting the "wretched refuse" instead of the "worthy achievers." Now before I begin my usual barrage of ridicule, my regular readers don't need to remind me that last week I waited in a long line for my little passion. But it was two hours in perfect 80 degree weather for a one-time-only event. I think that meets the criteria for mental stability. These fools risked pneumonia, muggings and possible inclusion in an Apprentice task to buy a stupid video game! Who are these people? I know it's not minors because all the ...

The folks are vacationing in Asia right now and they send email recaps of their days. What a difference those recaps are from the ones I receive from friends on vacation. My parents are up at the crack of dawn while my friends go to bed at the crack of dawn. My parents visit botanical gardens while my friends visit beer gardens. My parents vomit from local viral infections while my friends vomit from local, well, beer gardens. Mom and Dad's remedy for illness is to skip the day's tours and rest while my friends' remedy is to switch to weed for the day. Very different trips indeed. Most of the pictures my parents send are scenery shots. I don't know why ...

I hit the drive thru at the 'ol Burger King today. The overabundance of errors they pack into a five minute experience is truly mind boggling. Let's start with the order. I asked for a small meal. "We don't have small, we have medium instead," the voice told me. What the...? By definition medium can't be the smallest! Burger King's got a lot of nerve to think they can just change the English language because their employees can't effectively supersize meals. They could do small, large and largest or even large, larger and largest. But medium never gets to be at either end of the line. Do they really think they're fooling anybody calling the small size "medium?" As much as I'm ...

People magazine has declared Matthew McConaughey its "Sexiest Man Alive." I can't help but wonder what happened to last year's winner. Did he let the title go to his head, gain 40 pounds and discontinue his hair plug treatments? Did he show up at a premiere in a turquoise Members Only jacket? Was he bumped off by one of this year's hungry contenders? That begs the question: is it really necessary to include the word "alive" in the title? I can't imagine there would be a lot of reader backlash when their favorite 14th century poet doesn't win. I just don't understand how someone can be anointed with a superlative like "Sexiest Man Alive" and never win it two years ...

Before I mention THEM again, let me explain my little obsession. I don't even know if you could call it an obsession. I don't have their t-shirts or other paraphernalia, I don't take free stickers and posters when offered and I don't keep the tickets from their concerts (well, not intentionally- I'll have to check the purses I carried). It's about the music, in particular, American Idiot. I can't really explain it. American Idiot just grabbed me and shook me hard. "Holiday" isn't just a song- it's an anthem. It's rare for any artistic endeavor to truly excite me but this did to a whole new level. Green Day inspired me like nothing ever has before. Seeing how much they'd grown as ...

The country of Kazakhstan is threatening to sue comedian Sascha Baron Cohen because one of his characters, Kazakhstani journalist Borat Sagdiyev, ridicules its people. Are they serious? Can a freakin' country sue for slander??? For those unfamiliar, Cohen is the star of the very funny Da Ali G Show, which airs in the U.S. on HBO. His main character is Ali G, a Cockney dude decked in rapper gear who primarily assaults political figures from around the globe with inane questions. The humor isn't as much in his persistent denseness as it is in the responses from his interview subjects, who delicately indulge his stupidity to save face. Cohen's second character is the aforementioned Kaz (I can't spell it out anymore- they need ...