Old School Halloween Costumes
My four-year-old nephew got a Power Rangers costume for Halloween that he’s been wearing for the last month or so. He has no idea how fortunate he is to have a costume he can enjoy for more than one night. When I was a kid, Dad used to take us to Thrifty’s where we had about 10 minutes to decide which $1.99 piece of splendor it would be that year. I don’t even know if they still make those costumes, the ones with the hard plastic mask and painted apron. Those costumes brought a lot of excitement to Halloween. Would this be the year I suffocate trying to breathe out the pin-sized hole? Would the slightest spark to the apron send me shooting in the air like a firecracker?
Free candy was a good enough reason to risk it.
International Superhits
My website keeps track of some non-essential information about my visitors and occasionally I check it out to see what new random site is linked to mine. While doing so today, I noticed I had some lengthy visits by people from Nigeria and Iran. It’s somewhat rewarding to know that despite the political and social turmoil these people experience every day, they recognize the importance of what I had to say about Britney Spears in the “Fashion Police” column.
Evacuate, Fools!
When the planes hit the twin towers, I was horrified. When the tsunami struck Southeast Asia, I was sick. None of these victims saw it coming and none stood a chance. But when news reports came in about about all the dead from Hurricane Katrina, I have to admit, I didn’t shed any tears and I didn’t spend long periods contemplating the situation. Yes, I feel sorry for the invalids who were deserted by their caretakers. But the healthy people who died because they chose to hold down the fort? Nope. Add ‘em to the Darwin Awards.
Hurricanes don’t pop up out of nowhere. There’s always plenty of advance notice. When I lived in Hawaii, we knew for several days that a hurricane was on the way. Finally, the sirens sounded around 5 am one September 11th to let us know that a category 4 hurricane named Iniki was going to strike the islands later that day. The information on the tv said that people in my area should evacuate. So guess what I did?
I evacuated.
Admittedly, I don’t know if my adherence was because of their warnings or because I figured my little shack situated between Waikiki beach and the Ala Wai Canal wouldn’t survive a fire hydrant leak, much less a hurricane. But I headed to a friend’s house in the hills.
So now, with Hurricane Wilma approaching Florida less than two months after Katrina, I get to read these gems in the news:
“We were all packed and ready to go. But personally, now I feel we will be safe and better off here,” said Lori Thompson of Key West, who had considered driving to Orlando.
It sure would be nice if they listed Miss Thompson’s meteorology credentials to explain her decision, because everything I’m hearing on the news is they’re about to get pummeled.
“Fewer than 10 percent of the Keys’ 78,000 residents evacuated,” Monroe County Sheriff Richard Roth said. “I’m disappointed, but I understand it,” Roth said. “They’re tired of leaving because of the limited damage they sustained during the last three hurricanes.
Ahhh, they’re tired of driving 20 minutes to higher ground.. I wonder how tired one gets after 20 minutes in churning floodwater. Their rationale for not leaving is that they didn’t suffer damage in the last few hurricanes? Don’t these people understand odds? If I survived a plane crash, I’d start flying all over the world (since I’d practically own the airline after the settlement). Major turbulence wouldn’t bother me in the slightest because I already beat the odds. But these people think that after three misses, the fourth will surely be a miss as well. The residents of Arkansas should thank the people of Florida for replacing them in every comedian’s punchlines.
“We were born and raised with storms, so we never leave,” Ann Ferguson said from her front porch in Key West. “What happens, happens. If you believe in the Lord, you don’t have no fear.”
Given the rest of her idiotic statement, I’m forced to assume Miss Ferguson’s use of the double negative is a result of the Floridian public school system and she actually means “if you believe in the Lord, you have no fear.” Great philosophy because we all know the Lord’s great track record of protecting his believers. You keep putting your fate in the Lord’s hands and I’ll watch for you on the news.
Call Waiting
I’m on hold while I write this. My friend called me about 10 minutes ago (well past midnight, which is actually a pretty good time to call me) then told me she had another call and asked me to hold. It just occurred to me that I don’t even know how my call waiting option works. It’s not because I’m a technological idiot. In fact, I’m the rare geek who actually reads the manual before using a new electronic gadget. I don’t know how to use the call waiting function because I never bother with it. Most of the time I’m on the phone, I just wanna get off (and I don’t mean that in a 1-900, $.99 a minute kind of way). I really have no desire to tag team to another conversation. I figure the second caller can leave a message and then I’ll return their call at a time they’re not available so I can just leave a message. I swear I waste more time avoiding telephone conversations than the actual phone call would last.
And now she gets disconnected- twice! Is she the last remaining customer with AT&T? I never have dropped calls (though, that might be because I rarely make any calls at all). Somehow her connection problems started just as I began to tell a story and 20 minutes later, she hasn’t called back. Hmmm…
Have I mentioned how much I despise the phone?
Voices in Your Head
The woman who threw her three small children into the San Francisco Bay plead “not guilty” today, saying that voices in her head told her to do it. How come when people hear voices in their head, they’re never told to do good things?
“President Bush, what prompted you to resign the presidency, thus ensuring the prosperity of America?”
“The voices in my head told me to do it.”
Wouldn’t that be nice? Never happens.
The death penalty is too humane for this evil bitch.
NBC’s “Joey”
Last season I was totally addicted to Joey. Seriously. How could I not be? They brought in the best comedy writers, the best casting directors and a star from one of the most popular sitcoms of all time and created what is probably the most unfunny piece of drivel to ever air on a prime-time network (and I make this declaration even having seen a couple episodes of Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza). I repeat, in all honesty, I watched Joey every week. My fascination with it is not just comparable to seeing a car wreck on the side of the road; It’s a car wreck with the decapitated heads of Madonna and Michael Jackson strewn about and a desperate George Clooney begging to plant his seed before he dies. The only way I could take my eyes off this scene would be if a vital George Clooney was begging to plant his seed and even then, I’d want to stay nearby and snap a few pics with my camera phone.
Having been on the road, I missed the first few episodes this season but finally caught the last show. And apparently, A LOT has happened. From what I gather, Joey had sex with his bland-as-bouillon neighbor (as the actress must have also done with the casting director, since there’s no other explanation for her presence on a sitcom). The last I knew, her character was married- has Thursday night turned into “Must See Adultery?” Then I saw something very unfamiliar next to a Friends alumnus: it was this animated, dark creature, I believe they refer to as an “African American.” After 10 years of not even sitting near a black person at Central Perk, Joey’s suddenly got a brother in his living room? Soon it’s clear life hasn’t totally changed for Joey when he tries to buy Betty White’s house and, on the doorstep, he introduces his sister and fake baby, but completely ignores his dark-skinned new buddy standing right there. Apparently the message they’re sending to the kids is that you can’t buy your dream house if you associate with black people.
They’ve even made Drea D’Matteo, who was fabulous on the Sopranos, seem like a talentless amateur. I can only imagine that she’s hoping her character will meet the same fate as on the Sopranos so she can resurrect her once-promising career. The usually hilarious Jennifer Coolidge manages to squeak out the only rare moments of humor as Joey’s agent but usually she’s reduced to silly mugging for the camera. Or maybe she’s just wincing every time she has to say one of her godawful lines.
I can’t help but admire the risks the writers take. Not only do they dare to present slapstick situations that were long ago rejected by Gilligan’s Island, but they go so far as to repeat the same bad jokes. I just can’t get enough of that wacky neighbor tossing the nephew’s cereal in his face! And what about Betty White asking where Joey is while an enormous dog mauls him only five feet behind her? Comedy like that is gold, Jerry, gold, I tell you.
I don’t know how long Joey will remain on the air, but I do know it will not be forgotten. It will be mentioned years from now on shows like E! True Hollywood Story followed by statements like “then she turned to booze and drugs” and “that’s when he decided to take his own life.” I know I could choose to retain my artistic integrity and only watch brilliant comedies like Arrested Development, but if I ever plan to work the Deep South again, watching Joey is just the sort of preparation I need.
Twice Green Day Blew Me…
…away. So I thought my first real post should be about something fun I’ve done and right now, it doesn’t get much better for me than seeing Green Day. Sure, over the years I enjoyed their songs about smoking pot and masturbating as much as anybody, but then I heard their current album American Idiot. It’s a brilliant rock opera with catchy tunes, and lyrics with real substance- an ambitious attempt that actually succeeds. I was blown away the first time I heard it and suddenly became a little obsessed with the band. I was totally bummed to learn they’d be playing in Los Angeles while I was working in Albuquerque… until I discovered they were performing in a much smaller amphitheatre in Albuquerque the night before my week started. WOOHOO!
Ticketless, I arrived at Journal Pavilion early to find hordes of people desperate for tickets and no sellers. I panicked for awhile then made my way to the end of the parking lot hoping to catch people just out of their cars. I finally found someone with a ticket to sell and paid way too much for a lawn ticket. But hey, I was getting in. I always seem to have a freakish effect on the weather for outdoor concerts and this was no exception. Lightning was streaking all over the place and I swear, as soon as Billie Joe sang, “Hear the sound of the falling rain,” the sprinkles turned into a torrential downpour. Everybody else scrambled for their jackets while I thoroughly enjoyed the warm soaking.
I’d watched some Green Day concert footage before, but I had no idea how fun and funny the guys would be, on top of being top notch performers. At first I was a bit disappointed they didn’t play American Idiot from front to back and only played about half the album, but I was very pleased that at the end, they’d played all but two of my old favorites- even a few that I love but weren’t big radio hits. They worked the crowd (short audio) and sprayed the audience with a firehose (slightly redundant after the rain, but still fun. Speaking of which, “Redundant” was one of my favs they didn’t play). They brought some people onstage to play as the band and liberally insulted George W. to the delight of everybody.
I hadn’t been to a concert in a while, but I was prepared with my two lighters. When they started “We are the Waiting,” I tried like a fool to start my lighters in the wind and rain before realizing everybody else was holding up their cell phones. How come I never got that memo?
After two hours, they announced the next song would be their last and I was desperately praying for it to be “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)”… instead they did their rendition of Queen’s, “We are the Champions.” It was great, but I was a little bummed. When it was over, everybody left the stage except Billie Joe and he answered my prayer. I have to admit, I got a little misty eyed.
My post-concert euphoria lasted through the week. Then I heard Green Day was putting on a “secret” show at the Wiltern in LA the following Tuesday, with tickets going on sale only on the Internet at 10 am Monday morning. As soon as I finished Sunday’s show, I hopped in my car and headed to my sister’s house near Phoenix. As 10 am approached, I was hitting the refresh buttons on three computers like a madman but instantly the tickets were all gone. I tried for half an hour like a doctor refusing to declare a guy dead even though he has no pulse and his guts are all over the table. I checked Craigslist and saw that scalpers had already posted available tickets at $250 a pop. I finally accepted the fact that instead of seeing the show in the intimate Wiltern Theatre, I would have to watch the show along with millions of others on the not-so-intimate AOL Internet telecast. Two hours later, I should have been sleeping after pulling an all-nighter, but I was still awake and decided to give Ticketmaster another try. By some miraculous luck, a couple of tickets had opened up right at that moment. I was faced with a screen telling me I had to fill in every detail of my life in two minutes or I’d lose the tickets. I was actually shaking I was so nervous! But I got through it in time and was officially going to the Wiltern.
I had planned to drive back to LA that night but my sister convinced me that with no sleep for a couple days, I should stay the night at her place. It’s a good thing she did, because the next day, my tire totally blew out in Blythe. It was very lucky it happened where it did, after two days of driving through the barren desert. I started to change the tire myself (dressed in my sarong and flip flops) when two guys stopped to help. As appreciative as I was for the assistance, they didn’t look like the kind of guys I’d want to meet in a crowded park much less standing alone on a freeway overpass with lots of cash and half my belongings in the back seat of my car. But apparently my Forencic Files debut wasn’t meant to be. Thanks to those two sweet guys for taking the time to help and for not killing me when you had the chance.
I made it to the theatre early because it was general admission seating (well, standing) and found my place at the end of the long line. After about 45 minutes of waiting, some guy passed through the line yelling, “If you have a camera phone, take it back to your car now. It will not be allowed inside.” I looked at all the people behind me and decided there was no way I was losing my spot to take my phone back. So I stuck the phone in my strapless top, figuring they probably wouldn’t search there. I got to the entrance and, luckily, the door people must have assumed the one protruding nipple was a result of the cold and not an antenna sticking through my top. Phew! Made it.
Once inside, I found a spot at the back of the second tier, an excellent location compared to being on the lawn back in New Mexico. Opening the show was The Network, a heavily-costumed new wave band. While the group has been hyped as major rivals of Green Day, rumor’s always had it that they’re actually the guys from Green Day in disguise (having seen them, I confirm it as truth). Yes, Green Day opened for Green Day. I’m not too into their music as The Network but it was fun watching the lengths they went to to try to conceal their voices and identities, realizing that it really didn’t matter since many people in the audience thought they were just another unknown opening band. In any case, it was a rare treat to see The Network perform.
FINALLY, the real Green Day hit the stage and I was thrilled to actually see their faces without the help of a big screen. Halfway through the first song, Billie Joe said he wanted more people to come down to the pit. ZOOM! I think I left a puff of smoke taking off so fast. Two seconds later I’m down in the pit 10 feet from bassist Mike Dirnt. The joy was short-lived, though, when some meathead bouncer told me I had to leave because I didn’t have a wristband. I argued with him for a second, telling him the lead singer told people to come down but he said they were clearing everybody out. He turned around and I ducked into the crowd off to the side. As soon as he was gone, I made my way to the middle of the pit, where I stayed for the rest of the show (check out my pics). Apparently, other non-wristband-wearers weren’t so deft in eluding the bouncers, because the pit was quite roomy and I was able to rock out to my heart’s content. Surprisingly, there was no “moshing” in the pit, perhaps an indicator of Green Day’s changing audience (BTW- EVERYBODY had a camera phone).
I was stoked they played the American Idiot album from beginning to end. I always thought it was a bit odd they ended the album with “Whatsername,” as it seems anticlimactic following the epic “Homecoming.” For the concert, they closed the show with “Homecoming” and then did “Whatsername” in the encore along with “Longview” and “Minority.”
The fact that I was so close to the stage hearing the tale of the Jesus of Suburbia all the way through was awesome, but at the same time, I felt like the show wasn’t as much about the live audience as it was about the Internet telecast (which I later spotted myself on- I’ll soon be adding “Green Day Concert Footage” to my resume). Drummer Tr? Cool didn’t do his goofy rendition of “All by Myself” nor did Billie Joe do his hot little self stimulation routine and he skipped his tradition of surprising a guy with a kiss. The show was about half as long and didn’t include nearly as much crowd interaction nor did it contain some of the really fun numbers they did in New Mexico (“King for a Day” and a cover of “Shout” stand out). They’re great performers and still put on a fantastic show, but I have to admit, I actually had more fun in Albuquerque. I do feel fortunate to have attended both shows, because between them, I got to hear the old and new songs and The Network and feel like I truly enjoyed the full Green Day experience.
If you haven’t seen them live- go. If you haven’t heard American Idiot- listen.
Green Day rocks.
I’m Blogging
It seems like everybody has a blog these days so I figured I’d show off my ability to use the “shift” key with my own. Some of my blogs may be funny, but that’s not my main purpose. Mostly, my intense dislike of the phone has left a lot of my friends wondering if I’m still alive, so I hope to share some of the thoughts I’m skipping over the phone right here. Feel free to add your comments.
