Um, hello?

In my last post I wondered what could I gripe about in paradise. Naturally, I found something. On my last day I was hanging out on Waikiki beach when a woman set her towel down right next to mine. As you can see from the picture, the proximity of her towel would have been pushing the limits of personal space invasion if she’d been a pal but it was just plain odd for a stranger. Granted, the beach was even more insanely crowded than it was when I lived there (which is why I used to drive a couple miles to another beach even though I lived just two blocks from Waikiki beach) but there was still a good 15 feet of space around me for her to use as her own. To make the situation even better, she then lit up a cigarette. In all fairness, she did ask if it was okay– after about the third puff.

It would be one thing if I were the asshole who plopped down right in her lap and then she started smoking but what kind of person does what she did? A Canadian, that’s who. How do I know she was Canadian? Because I made the mistake of taking off my headset for a quick dip in the water (very quick, with my eyes aimed at my bag the whole time since she was eight inches away from it) and when I returned she took the opportunity to chit chat. I can’t stand small talk with strangers, particularly Canadians because sooner or later they’ll say “about” in their funny little way and I’ll start giggling uncontrollably. I can’t help it, I just do.

As much as I wanted to ask her if she was completely oblivious about her inconsiderate behavior, she was an older lady watching her grandson play in the water and I’m a bit of a softie when it comes to old folks so I let it slide. Or maybe it was just because she was Canadian. It’s like they possess a weird power for avoiding conflict.

Beachfront at the Grand Hyatt Kauai

At this point, I'm about 95% pina colada.

Yet another endangered species murder/suicide.

I’ve been the worst blogger ever lately. That’s due in part to the fact that I’ve spent most of the last month working on my tan in Florida and Hawaii. Look at these shots from Kauai- what could I possibly find to gripe about here? I’ll be adding more Hawaii pictures to the Photo section soon and maybe one of these days I’ll actually write a meaningful post (in which I’ll probably ponder why I ever left Hawaii). In the meantime, aloha!

"Bite me Alan Lambert"

Over the last week, I’ve come across multiple articles (and a South Park nod) about some 47-year-old, unemployed spinster named Susan Boyle who auditioned for the show Britain’s Got Talent. I finally had to see what the hype’s about and I have to say it’s well deserved. The top YouTube clips (which have amassed a ming-boggling 70 million hits in just two weeks) don’t allow embedding but it’s worth clicking the link to watch her rendition of “I Dreamed A Dream.” It makes me realize it’s never too late to achieve your dreams and there’s still a chance I could fulfill mine of being an Olympic gymnast. If this doesn’t give you goose bumps, you must have a heart of Cheney.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

Tags: britain's got talent, susan boyle

Rather than spending a few minutes finishing up one of the many posts I’ve started in the last month, I decided to spend a few hours redesigning my site instead. That’s because I’d had the old theme for far too long and there’s also the fact that I can’t seem to comprehend the meaning of the word “prioritize.” There are still a few kinks that I’ll be working out in the next few days, unless a shiny object catches my eye in which case I’ll never get around to fixing the problems.

Maybe Jason is reconsidering his third choice, Jillian.

Of course I have to comment on the “most dramatic finale ever” of The Bachelor. Just to recap what I’ve written about recent seasons of The Bachelor/ette: first we had Brad Womack, the tool who told the final two contestants that he could see each of them as his wife then he proceeded to dump both of them in the end. So then reject Deanna Pappas got her “second shot at love” and her final two choices were crazy snowboarder Jesse and divorced father Jason. She chose Jesse but not before letting Jason get down on his knees to propose to her. Then this season, reject Jason Resnick was picked to be The Bachelor and get his “second third shot at love.”

I didn’t like the selection from the beginning. The Bachelor is supposed be a sort of fantasy guy and Jason’s just average in every way. But that didn’t stop 25 women from wanting to be the stepmother of his child before they ever met him. I’d love to see them attempt to do The Bachelorette with a single mother. It would last all of one episode as the guys would all hightail it out of there the second they heard about her bundle of joy.

I had long expected his final choices would be Jillian and Melissa so I was a little surprised when he dumped Jillian for Molly but I was still certain he’d pick Melissa in the end. So it was Melissa and Molly who got to meet his son Ty and his family who drilled both women about the heartache Jason’s been through and whether or not they would put him through that again. ‘Cuz Jason’s such an “amazing” (Jason must have uttered that word 1000 times this season) guy. But then (gasp!) Deanna shows up at Jason’s door because she just happened to be in the neighborhood of New Zealand where filming was taking place. The moment responsible for the show’s resurgence in ratings had finally arrived! And it ended with a quick plunk. Deanna said she’d made a mistake choosing Jesse and she should have chosen Jason instead. Jason essentially responded with, “Thanks for coming, put me down for two of whatever you’re selling and get out of here before little Ty sees you and gets even more confused about who his new Mommy is going to be.”

At the final rose ceremony, a tortured Jason chose Melissa, once again getting down on one knee but this time without being told to get back up again. He swung Melissa in his arms as they kissed and shouted their love for each other then the two of them, along with Ty, jumped with their fancy clothes on into an eternity pool. Unfortunately, an inflatable wading pool (with a tear in it) would have been a better symbol of their relationship to come.

In the “dramatic” After the Rose special, Jason said he’d given it a go with Melissa (for all of about a month) but decided he was really in love with Molly. Even better, he hadn’t officially dumped Melissa yet because heaven forbid he should do anything in his love life without the cameras rolling. So he broke up with Melissa (who constantly reminded us throughout the season how she’s always the dumpee) during the taping.

The most painful part of the episode was watching Melissa return the ring. I was fairly certain there weren’t any women on the closed set because if there were, I’m sure we would have heard at least one yell, “NOOOOO!!!!” Poor Melissa apparently doesn’t know the rule about engagement rings: if the girl breaks the guy’s heart, she returns the ring. If the guy is a douchebag like Jason, she sells the ring and uses the money for plastic surgery so she can find a new man (and from what I’ve heard, that was a $65,000 ring, which could keep her swimming in Restylane injections and breast implants for a long time).

Two minutes after dumping his fiancee, Jason asked Molly for another shot and she said yes and they slobbered all over each other, presumably with Melissa’s down payment for a house ring still in his pocket.

Look, I have no problem with Jason deciding Melissa wasn’t the one and wanting another chance with Molly. It’s the fact that he did it all on tv when it was completely unnecessary to do so that was just completely classless. And he seemed oblivious about how selfish his behavior was, saying that he had to follow his heart. Sure, when it’s Jason whose feelings get stomped upon, he spends six months on television telling the world he deserves better but the first chance he gets he breaks a girl’s heart and humiliates her in front of the whole nation.

I’m not surprised that third place finisher Jillian was anounced as the next Bachelorette but the way these rejects are going the second time around, I won’t be surprised if she ends up choosing married host Chris Harrison to be her guy.

Tags: brad wolmack, deanna pappas, jason resnick, the bachelor

In case you’re a little behind on the gossip rags… the night before the Grammy’s, singers Chris Brown and girlfriend Rihanna got into a squabble resulting in both of them backing out of scheduled performances at the ceremony. A few days later, the photo on the left was leaked showing that Rihanna suffered facial injuries in the incident.

A month later comes word that Rihanna and Chris are back together.

WHAT????

It sounds like Chris was one right hook shy of knocking some sense into her. While I’d probably be out the door if a guy even yelled at me, I sort of understand why a middle-aged woman with three kids who thinks she has no place to go might tolerate some abuse. But Rihanna is a young, beautiful, successful woman. Doesn’t she have family or people on her payroll whose job it is to keep her away from her young O.J.-in-training?

Apparently not because I just read this quote from her dad: “I will be supportive. If that’s the road she wants to choose, I’m behind her.”  He’s going to be behind her? Well, I suppose that’s safer than standing in front of her and having to take the blows himself. I think it’s pretty obvious which side of the family she gets her judgment from. I wonder if he actually said that or if the tabloids simply pulled that quote from a Magic 8 ball that with a harder shake could have just as easily come up with, “The outlook isn’t good.” I just find it hard to believe any father would be “supportive” of a situation that leaves his daughter with a fat, bloodied lip (come to think of it, for the right price from the National Enquirer, my dad would probably do it himself).

I hope for Rihanna’s sake that she merely met with Chris and that it wasn’t a reconciliation. But if it was, perhaps Cover Girl will take advantage of her spokesmodel contract to introduce their new “Battered and Beautiful” line of concealers.

Tags: beating, chris brown, cover girl, grammy's, rihanna

For the first time in eight years, I watched the Academy Awards live from a vantage point away from the Kodak Theatre. And now I remember why so many attendees spend most of the night at the bar– that is one boring show. Some thoughts on the Oscars:

– Judging by Reese Witherspoon’s black eyes and ragged dress, it appears that Chris Brown already has a new girlfriend.

–I wonder who wore the sheet with the higher thread count: Jessica Biel or Tilda Swinton. I hope they were smart enough to bring along the matching pillows to use during the terminally long telecast.

–Halle Berry, on the other hand, knows the Oscars is not a time for comfort and, as always, was the best dressed.

–Jennifer Aniston gets her big moment in the spotlight at the Academy Awards introducing a clip and the camera cuts to Angelina Jolie. I’m starting to wonder if Aniston gave everybody in Hollywood Herpes and that’s why they all seem to hate her so much.

–I loved it when Steve Martin stopped in the middle of introducing a clip and randomly said to Tina Fey, “DON’T…fall in love with me.”

–I also got a kick out of Ben Stiller’s impersonation of Joaquin Phoenix’s recent whackjob appearance on David Letterman. I was a little surprised there weren’t any Christian Bale references.

–The Japanese Oscar recipients gave the most entertaining acceptance speeches of the night. It’s about time somebody gave Mr. Roboto his props.

–After hearing so many winners talk about growing up in foreign countries never imagining they’d one day come to the United States and win an Oscar, I wondered if any American kids will one day realize their dream of answering tech support calls in India.

–Let me get this straight, Sean Penn can joke, “”You commie, homo-loving, sons of guns,” and not get bleeped but if somebody utters a friendly “Fuckin’ A this rules,” 10 guys are jumping for the censor button? Not that I have a problem with Penn’s comment, I’ll just never understand our society’s stupid animosity toward four letter words. I was bummed to miss the Mickey Rourke freak show but I liked Penn’s speech. There’s something particularly hot about a straight man speaking passionately in support of gay rights.

Tags: Academy Awards, angelina jolie, ben stiller, chris brown, christian bale, halle berry, jennifer aniston, jessica biel, joaquin phoenix, kodak, mickey rourke, oscars, reese witherspoon, sean penn, steve martin, tina fey

I had a change of plans and won’t be returning to the Oscars this year but I did watch all of the Best Picture nominees (clocking in at a total of almost 11 hours) so of course I have to weigh in. I haven’t given away any spoilers so it’s safe to read if you haven’t seen the films.

Slumdog Millionaire: Since I tend to be disappointed by films with too much hype, I decided to start with the favorite just to get it out of the way. The story unfolds like a grim Forrest Gump, in which the extraordinary events of a young man’s past provide him with the answers on the Indian version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Two hours later the credits roll with a strange little dance number (which, odd as it was, managed to be infinitely more entertaining than the horrific singing and dancing in the worst movie I saw all year, Mama Mia).

My philosophy is that the Best Picture stands alone, that without seeing any other films you know that’s the Best Picture. Occasionally there are two films in a year that deserve that honor, other years there are none. And it didn’t take long to realize this was the Best Picture of 2008. It’s a moving story that’s so well done I can’t even make my usual snarky comments. Go see it.

Frost/Nixon: Next up on my movie schedule was Frost/Nixon, which depicts the long interviews David Frost conducted with Richard Nixon after he left office in disgrace. Oops– I just gave away all the good parts. A movie about two dudes talking is just as riveting as it sounds and I have no idea how this ended up as a Best Picture nominee. The only thing that kept my attention was hoping that on one of his entries into the interview house,  Nixon would be shot by someone on the grassy knoll who would put an end to the misery. I would have liked for this nomination to have been replaced by the clever indie, In Bruges.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: I’d heard plenty of cracks about how long and boring this movie is and when I saw the 2:43 run time, I was prepared for a snoozefest. If I’d seen it in a theatre I’d probably agree with the critics but I had a screener so I was able to watch it in chunks and I thought it was great. This is a Best Picture. It’s a shame it wasn’t a contender in last year’s weak race because I’m sure it would have won but I think Slumdog Millionaire is slightly superior and should take the Oscar.

The movie is about a man who ages backwards– the same premise that was attempted over 20 years ago when Mork and Mindy gave birth to a bouncing baby Jonathan Winters. This time around there are fewer rainbow suspenders and old men in diapers to ruin the story. My only real criticism of the movie is that toward the end, Button’s mind/body correlation seem to get confused and I don’t think it properly shows someone with a lifetime of experience trapped in a child’s body. Brad Pitt’s Best Actor nomination was a given for whoever played the part and since he didn’t do anything spectacular with the role, I think he’ll just have to settle for the Best Looking Couple Lifetime Achievement Award to be shared with Angelina.

Milk: After the beating the gay movement took in the elections, I’m GLAAD to see a gay-themed movie in the running for Best Picture but unfortunately this doesn’t have the chops to win. It’s the story of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man elected to public office in California, who was later (as opposed to previously) murdered. It’s interesting to know his story but I probably could have gleaned just as much insight and entertainment value from  reading his Wikipedia page in five minutes as I did in watching the two hour film. Sean Penn does a good job as Milk and his Best Actor nomination is deserved but, without having seen The Wrestler, I’d still give the award to Mickey Rourke as a consolation for the facial disfigurement he suffered in an attempt to resurrect his career. Plus I suspect Rourke’s acceptance speech will be the most entertaining part of the Oscar telecast and I always have to root for the train wreck.

The Reader: Last up was The Reader. Kate Winslet stars as every teenage boy’s fantasy: a loose older woman who’s unencumbered by moral boundaries and that annoying edumecation stuff like reading (though, depending on some guys’ folicle preferences, they might wish she knew how to read the words “Mach III”). It’s a pretty good flick that I’d rate third among the nominees (after Slumdog and Button). Winslet is the favorite to win Best Actress but I’m not sold on her performance because I’m not sure if I was supposed to sympathize with her character or not. Is she a Nazi war criminal with a heart of gold? Or is she a sexual predator with a heart of gold? In fact, I’m not even certain she has a heart of gold but her nipples do make cameo appearances in almost every scene and I’m sure the male members of the Academy will want to see that rewarded so I expect her to take the prize.

Tags: Academy Awards, Frost/Nixon, Milk, oscars, Slumdog Millionaire, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Reader

Every May when the winner of American Idol is announced, I swear it’s the last season I’ll watch this piece of garbage. Then January rolls around and it somehow ropes me back in. I lose a part of my soul with every season and I fear that if I keep watching, by season 12 I’ll be laughing at prop comics and attending Celine Dion concerts with a fanny pack around my waist.

This year, the show is back with a fourth judge, Kara Dioguardi, whose name Simon still can’t pronounce correctly. I’m used to people butchering my name and I rarely correct them but I think if I had 30+ million people watching I’d want my co-workers to get it right. She needs to use a mnemonic system to help him with it. I go with “Renée with a J,” which usually seems to help and I think she should go with “I don’t Karabout British douchebags who can’t pronounce my name.” She had no qualms about sticking up for herself when she felt threatened by Bikini Girl, even going so far as to prove her singing skills. I was embarrassed for her that she felt she needed to do that and I was amused that Bikini Girl wasn’t the slightest bit impressed, which clearly riled Kara. A fourth judge really isn’t necessary but at least she brings something to the show that Paula doesn’t: coherence.

Last night the top 36 were revealed and here are just a few comments on the selections:

Best decision by the judges: Keeping Norman and Tatiana. Norman is the guy who does the Richard Simmons type character, a choice that could have seemed painfully derivative but he keeps it just subtle enough to be funny. Then there’s Tatiana who is the epitome of the term “hot mess.” I loved it when Simon said to her, “Just try for a moment not to be annoying,” which is impossible for her to do. She’s a complete nightmare and both she and Norman will infuriate the uber fans who take this show way too seriously but they’re sheer entertainment so of course I hope they both go far.

Worst decision by the judges: Sending home the black guy who’s best friends with the dude whose wife died. I thought he was one of the best in the competition and should have gone forward.

Most predictable decision by the judges: Keeping the sweet blind dude. The guy is a good singer but not nearly as good as some of the rejects and his position probably should have gone to the guy above. I just hope Simon won’t pull any punches with him. That means he needs to rip him on his style and his bug-eyed stare like he would anybody else. Fair is fair.

Tags: American Idol, Bikini Girl, Kara Dioguardi, Norman, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell, Tatiana

In my last post, I mentioned some unusual search terms people have used to find my blog and today comes one that’s a rainbow of fruit flavors: “using skittles for anal sex.” What I find particularly amusing is the fact that my blog isn’t the sole result, in fact, it isn’t even the first result. It is 10th out of over 32,000 results. People are freaks. And just to absolve myself of some of that freakishness by putting the usage in proper context within my blog, the terms were used (separately) in response to a bizarre Sharon Stone quote that I commented on here: “Things That Make You Go…Hummer.”